Blah

Hanging out and trying to get back into a creative outlook. Didn't do much today in regards to reading or writing, so that's a big boooo to that. The day is still ongoing so I won't discount any chance of a second wind.

Is sure music will improve my outlook so I put on a playlist. Never mind I feel tired after devouring more turkey. I may have inadvertently cooked my own goose trying to get myself together and filling my belly.

Mr Mopey

I'm feeling mopey and it feels good. I so, however need to get something to eat, chillax and try to keep the mopey on the positive level.

National Novel Writing Month

Well five days into November and I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. It's quite the challenge to write daily, and leave the material be, and keep moving onto the next parts.  I can tell you it's very disjointed, and I feel like it's a mess.  it reminds me of when I drew or painted something how it looks so far away and incomplete.  Finally it takes form after hours of work. In this case after a month what I'll have a HUGE mess, and  will have to leave it be to cool down and revise afterwards.  But what I will have is a novel.

It may mean nothing at all, it may never go anywhere, but it will have one draft done. It's got a science fiction and fantasy vibe, but it also has this surreal and psychedelic aspects. I kinda think it shall have some horror aspects, but its early in the game.

Today

Today is about a haircut. I'm happy to get out out of bed and get things done today. I'm gonna be writing something later on today. Revisions are both a challenge and a joy.

Been neglecting this blog a lot so I'm happy to get a moment to write a few lines now. I'm tempted to go back to bed when I get home, but that ain't happening.

Intimidation Factors

Working on revising a short story, and nothing gets to me like the anxiety of re-approaching written material.  So I'm looking at a hand edited piece of work with fear and nervousness.  Needless to say the fear is unwarranted, and I know I'm going to tackle the material regardless. Still there was this moment where I looked at the story and felt afraid to touch it.

No this story ain't too precious to revise.  I just found myself having a fear that should go away soon, because one of my goals is to get this story published. Also have a second  story to get to the writing group for critique and get that feedback. Sometimes this is just a phase and phobia that dissipates into the ether.  If I have to have a stare down with the material I will.

I wanna look back and laugh at myself for this moment. It shall pass. It's telling me to go preoccupy my mind with other things till I get myself off the anxiety.  A little gaming perhaps.  A trip to the D laugh at myself for this?

Getting Up and Doing Things

Didn't really want to get up today, but I needed to do some laundry.  I feel like I needed to get this done and then I can relax a bit.  Doing laundry early means I don't have to deal with it at the last moment and possibly throwing myself all over the place to get crap done.  Didn't even wait for the alarm to go off this morning. Damn. Then again I was in bed my midnight. How I hate beating myself to the punch.  Who you supposed to hating on?

Hating on oneself seems a bit futile. It's not like you can punch yourself in the face. Well you could, but that's stupid. Could you press charges against yourself?  I bet that'd be something. Take that to trial.  You'd have to simultaneously defend and prosecute yourself. Ah duality. It keeps the world in conflict, and the people with rage against themselves. Sorta like Darth Vader, but zero force powers, lightsaber, or Deathstar.  If you can't have the cool stuff that comes  with being Vader, why bother with the hate? Let go of your anger.      

My lesson for this early morning. Nothing beats freshly washed and dried pairs of undies. Make them so fresh, you have to slap them before you put them on for being so damn cheeky. Also smiling helps me out a whole lot.  Not forced smiles. Being able to laugh and help others laugh makes me feel good.  Much love and blessings to all, and I pray things go smoothly for y'all.

Dreams and Goals

Now's the time to think about how I need to improve myself as a person and as a working man.  I really need to buckle down and get a lot done with the precious time I do have free of any upsets. It does require me to dig deeper and getting to meet myself at happiness, satisfaction, and true security.  I don't feel like I'm anywhere there yet, but I'm off to a start, which is better than nothing at all.  So I need to keep writing and I need to stay focused. I have a few projects lined up and I NEED to see those continually worked upon.

Unemployment Sucks Part 50: Closure

My Unemployment Sucks series comes to an end today.  Not because I'm 100% over all the havoc unemployment wrought into my life, but having a job means looking at things different, and perhaps starting a new series to reflect my progress. I shared a lot on my writing blog, Several Deadly CINEs on how my creativity went all wonky, and how a shift in perspective and experiences brings me to a new chapter. New chapters in life mean new ideas, stories, and the potential for new possibilities.

Life's a process, not so smooth of and endeavor to get back to a healthy balance, but that started when I didn't want to give up on working or living.  Enduring is more than difficult and it took twelve months to get something going. I'm taking this moment to thank God, family, and friends for their support and belief in me as well as the reminders to get back up and get things done.  

So I got to end my series on an even number.  Don't know if that's OCD of me or not.  It does mean I got to settle some things on my terms, which I feel fantastic about. I went through a lot of changes, but at best I know that not a year in exile could take away from me the things that mattered the most. The best stayed with me.  The worse fell by the wayside and went away.

Unemployment Sucks Part 49: Part of the Game

NOTE: Even though I'm employed now, there are a lot of loose ends to settle, and I'm hoping to wrap this series up at post 50.  Still so many things to do and on day four of employment. So let's take this from today:

I informed the peeps in the unemployment office that I did find employment, and gave info last week as per their instructions. So on last Saturday I got a letter in the mail that needed clarifying in regards to my unemployment benefits.

This meant getting up early today and attending to meeting the unemployment peeps. I am not a morning person and feel a need for a nap. I gonna need to stay awake. May need coffee this morning. I'd like to think I'd make it without the coffee, as it does mess with my congestion but this needs some, and I'll be taking some precautions and staying alert for congestion flare ups (as of now no flare ups - so it didn't hurt me - still gonna drink water behind it to keep the flare up from showing up late).  

As i started writing this post, I got a call to see the rep, and with a few clicks of her mouse, the issue was resolved. I was like wow, that's amazing. I literally got out if bed, didn't sleep late cause I wanted this taken care of, and it took less than a minute. This means I spent more time in my car than I did in the office, and it reminds me that I'm gonna sleep late tomorrow. Hopefully NO ONE needs me up early. If they do, I will answer the call, but I'm due a late morning and I intend to collect.

Unemployment Sucks Part 48: And Then I Got A Job

Never giving up, having support, and simply enduring paid off for me.  I have a job.  For me this is the start of a positive direction, and gets better as time progresses.  Since this is something good for me, I'd like to dwell on this goodness, and thank God and everyone who supported me with will wishes, encouragement, and all around positive energy.  So on a bittersweet note I put the Unemployment Sucks series to rest.  Such a good series as I had to make a gang of adjustments.  I'm not at 100%, but better to get underway with progress, than to be in limbo.

Here's to enduring, surviving, good support from family and friends, and keeping the faith. Now I get to do my happy dancing!!!

Unemployment Sucks Part 47: The Interview

I had an interview a week ago, and so far I'm waiting for a response as to yay or nay.  Ah the pins and needles part of the process.  Job hunting has it's peaks and valleys.  I'm simply pleased the ball's rolling.  As I said before trying to live off unemployment is too rough of an experience.  It's not enough, and I'm better off with a decent job that pays the bills. Otherwise I'd cry, cry, and cry. Well I'm excited, to say the least. Hey if there's a chance of getting to my goals, there there's hope of success.

Yeah, kinda mushy in sentiment, but that's what I need.  Some good ole mushy feelings and goodness to spread around. Thankfully a friend gave me some good mojo and people expressed a lot of well wishes, so for better or worse, at least I have people that want me to succeed, and have good wishes for me.  So as I love the well wishes, part of the reason i'm being looked at is at the very least is my skills being in-demand. I'm praying for success.

Writing's been a challenge this week.  not due to the interviews, but my mind was more than distracted. I was supposed to publish this post sooner, and forgot it was in draft.  Now I'm cleaning it up and making it look a bit more full.  Today I'm going to look over some jotted notes on a concept.  I hate when I go to bed and have ideas.  I typed it all into my notes application.  it seems inspiration hit me.  Then sleep hit me.  At the very least I have part of today's post completed.  Adding to it on;y makes the pot more savory.

Unemployment Sucks Part 46: Visiting The DMV

It's about that time I renew my driver's license, and I put that off for so long.  yesterday I went to the DMV to make this happen.  I knew it took verification, BUT didn't have it all together.  I needed my birth certificate, SS card, the old license, and two proofs of residency, which was a utility billy and/or my voter's registration paperwork. I only had one utility bill.  Fortunately for me the voter's registration was like on the back of the building.  I had to go to there and verify my info, then return to the DMV.  All done.

Need to clean the apartment.  it looks a mess, as it always does.  I want to at least make the living room look presentable. I'm like meh at the moment. I know better.  Sometimes I feel like I'm 22 and in college again. Like it's cool to be indifferent to all this mess.  Let's start on my dining room table, and get that into shape, then work my way around some other staff, like my printer area.  Mess, mess, mess.

Slacked off on the writing again, but sometimes I feel like not writing.  Still hoping for a job, and while yesterday provided a lot of good things, including a friend's good wishes so it's time to make stuff happen.

Is today the first day of fall?  Hadn't looked outside but I'd love to see the summer weather cool down.

Unemployment Sucks Part 45: Like a Boomerang

Looking at improving my day and I realize I'm not writing well. For me this is odd. Did I drink enough water, or eat enough?  All I'm getting is a few sentences out of me, which may mean I need to stop writing and chillax. Promised myself to limit my social media interaction (meaning Facebook, which I live on) in order to get things done, and I'm finding when I turn on the computer all I want to do is goof off and not write. It's far more easier to goof off than write. Writing requires thought and my poor mind doesn't want to work.

I do know that I'm writing this "starter" paragraph and allowing it to cool off, then coming back to add and revise. Perhaps that's the writing lesson for today, to write something briskly, and return like a boomerang. Since I prayed about getting my writing in order, among other things, I feel a need to write more than what I have.  I'm feeling there's nothing to say, and waiting for inspiration, however the reason I started this series on my blog was my unemployment. Is that not an ongoing topic?

Well today was like several of the others. I still have my life and health. My finances could use some level up powers or Viagra to get it up. I'm still the man 'cause in spite of going all emo, I'm getting stuff written. I made some personal goals today I want to jump on. That means pushing more story out and believing that I can get this damn post to my typical standards. It's not like potential and opportunities went completely away.

A little known fact is that I revise several of my posts before and after I publish them. It means I need to get better at writing.  BTW I have all these ideas I told myself to jot down, and went off goofing on Facebook. In that case I sabotaged myself. That's not what I need right now. I need to get myself together once more. I got a lot of work to do and only I can get it done. No time to be scared of what could be, cause what have now isn't much.

Unemployment Sucks Part 44: Bust Dat Move

Been laying low from writing, like I can't do it, which is a HUGE mistake.  If there's anything that I do well, it's creativity, and I've put off my creativity for some time now.  Been feeling low, but now that reason's entered my mind again, it's time to handle my biz and make do with what I have in front of me, and getting over myself (again).  I need to get my head back in the game, cause the truth is only I can do what needs to be done for my welfare. If it means tracking down job leads, writing, hell, singing telegrams, I gotta do what needs to be done to make living worth a damn.

Job hunting did yield some fruit from the vine, but I'm keeping this under my hat until it pans out completely.  You will hear me sing if it works out.  I'm a leave it be because it's something that's out of my hands. I trust in my skills and persona, and that's all one can do.  No more doubt on this part.  Getting things done is the priority.

Writing hasn't been a pain, it's just that I've been real lazy and loving the laziness. I could and should do better for myself.  Granted I felt a bit low on some days, and I do take pen to paper, but I know I need to do more.  I seem to be distracting myself with goofing off, gaming, and all the freedoms I didn't have.  Well this can't keep going.  Where does the creativity go if I don't use it? It seems like a waste of energy, so I best get myself in gear.

I have to be honest, this page was two paragraphs, and I felt like it wasn't good enough to post.  It felt weak, like I wasn't putting effort into the mix.  That's changed, and now I feel better about writing this without wondering what the hell was wrong with me.  Sometimes inspiration, procrastination, and creativity get wrapped up into one for me.  Need to keep writing.  I'm a mess.

Unemployment Sucks Part 43: My Mean Seasons

NOTE: I wrote this post a few days ago, got upset, and feared even publishing it. I suppose truth hurts, and I'm not perfect.  Sometimes my days don't go well.  It's true I never give up,yet at the same time there needs to be some time where I acknowledge the pain of being unemployed.

One of the reasons I didn't want to post it is cause truth hurts, and I needed to to take a look at myself.  I also feared the truth, which there was no need to.  Also after saying it I wondered if I should put this out not because it does make me feel vulnerable and week.  I thought about it.  This is where unemployment brought me, and I did say it sucks, so why am I hiding it now?  This is my reality.

***
Let's be honest, I'm not happy right now.  I'm trying to get myself together, and after nearly a year of application submitting, seminars, and resume building, I still don't have a job. My interviews have been sparse and I do mean sparse. No I'm not giving up on finding a job, but damn this is a struggle.  When I leave my home I'm reminded I don't have anything, and of course I'm upset.  I haven't been without a job like this since I started being gainfully employed many, many years ago.  Now I'm stressed, tired, frustrated, and upset.  I've likely made myself annoying to others about talking about being unemployed and how I became unemployed. My unhappiness became others unhappiness. That's not what I want for my life, nor is that what I want to give to others.  

Discussing unemployment does wear down on me, but at the same time how can I not discuss it? Quite frankly unless my status changes I'm going to have nothing.

NOTE 2: After I wrote this I noticed a change in me.  Perhaps my frustration went out with this post. I simply don't know.  I do know that I wanted to watch more movies, go outside and enjoy a causal drive. I wrote more fiction after months of feeling like my negative emotions ruled my thoughts. I was being unfair to myself, and in that unfair to all around me.  Also I don't want my life to feel like a sandpit.  Things aren't working the way I planned, but if my energy shifted from negative to positive only good things can follow.

It's going to take some work to get myself completely away from the negative mode, but I'm more than willing to start looking for the doors that opened to me as the old ones closed.  It's been some mean seasons, but into my life change must come.  How I handle change is up to me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 42: Labor Day Weekend

Since I did one blog post already, it's time for a second, and possible third. It's a Labor Day weekend and I'm laying low. Quite frankly with little money at my disposal why not lay low? Why not prepare a simple meal for dinner and enjoy the peace and quiet of this time? I'm gonna make some spaghetti. As luck would have it I have Italian sausage in my freezer to thaw out and use.

Not having money sucks, but I'm focusing on the positive. For example I was inspired with a story and worked on the first draft last night. It was a step in a positive direction to free my mind of negativity and otherwise depressing thoughts. Loving the idea that inspiration takes me places higher than where I am now. The mood lift and inspiration is a blessing and a good thing to keep me moving.

Hadn't been outside but it looks hot. The sun's shining like it wants to be seen and heat us up. For me that means stay indoors and write stuff. I'm obeying my instinct. I do have some writing to develop and I can't do that outside. I can sweat and say, "I should be inside" if I go play outdoors. I got plenty to keep me busy and hopefully produce some results.

Unemployment Sucks Part 41: Hello Again Ugh

Y'all ever had that "ugh" feeling.  That feeling like you don't want to be bothered with anything cause it all feels like "ugh." It doesn't make sense, it annoys me, it makes me want to get away from it, and I don't even have the energy to move past ugh.  Ugh can be that person who doesn't leave once the movie's over, and really wants to loaf about, on your BACK. Ugh would lay on my head, if I could support it that way.  Ugh you bastard.  Get away from me.

Well, today I rolled out of bed, and I felt aimless. Hello ugh. I'm expecting a few calls and need to make some soon, as well as job hunt.  In other words, It's time to pull myself together. I need to finish the bottle of water on the table next to me.  I got a little tea happy yesterday, so I need more water.  I had a few sips here and there, but I need to complete the whole thing for starters.  I'll refill the bottle and drink more.

The weather outside has that semi-sunny feel, so I'm guessing rain's in the future as it was yesterday.  Needless to say it's about to get gloomy, and that can ruin a good day.  I'm all about not getting gloomy, and yes, between pauses I drank more water. I suspect my mood will lift once I get some more writing and reading done.  I need to have my mind filled.  Also need to relax. Enjoy this day.  Allow myself not to be overwhelmed by outside influences.  Must feed brain with knowledge.  

This may be the perfect day to write and be happy about writing.  I'm not doing much of anything else.  My mind needs stimulation, so perhaps I'll work on my screenplay.  if not I'll be sitting here sipping on a bottle of water cause I know better, and I shouldn't let that Ugh feeling beat up on me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 40: My New Sedentary Lifestyle

About to have my tea and chillax a bit, but I'm leaving the TV off for a short while.  Why?  Between job hunting and writing i find myself watching more and more television and not in a good way.  I've been watching so-called reality shows, talk shows, and all sorts of news programs.  While I like informative shows, sometimes that shit is as negative as all get out. I've placed in my psyche unnecessary drama that seems harmless until my brain processes that I've wasted my time. That's not what I'm about.

Yesterday was the final straw when trying to watch Dr. Phill I got so irritated with the couples struggling to stay together and be apart at the same time.  I was under the impression that they LOVE the drama and tension.  It irked me, and I eventually turned the TV, BUT nothing like that should be working my nerves. I'm job hunting.  I don't have a job!!!  Somehow I'm engrossed in shit like this and while I love a good distraction, I feel like I put my time energy in the wrong shows.

If I want a drama I have a LOT of good choices to pick from.  There's more to do with my time.  Even when I'm gaming and sitting, I have more satisfaction from the events.  I need to keep this aspect of my defenses active.  When I worked.  None of the negative got in. I didn't have time for it. I need to make sure I keep it going in that direction.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 39: Job Searchin'

For those not in the know, to keep receiving unemployment benefits, it requires me to constantly look for and report jobs, which I do.  Today is no different and I need to make sure I scout some leads down and see what I can do in order to get myself productive. While it seems easy and anyone can scout a job (which they can), getting an interview's proven to be tricky as well. It's time to reexamine the resume and make sure it says what it needs to in order to get my foot in the door.

I'm hoping to do at least one film essay per week to keep myself going in regards to my cinema blog.  last week was the Dark Knight Returns.  This week was updating my Catwoman post.  I have a few more in draft, and some others I'm going to write something on, or started notes on.  The goal is to push myself back into writing things I love to do do. This should keep me busy and happy.  Let's keep things moving.

It's been a trying week as I put some things together, and some things seem to fall apart.  Thank God for small favors as things simply fell into place today.  All it took was a little patience, and not reacting first and thinking it over. Crisis averted and then things work better. It means relax.  For the record I've been feeling the need to write again, and that's aways good.  Got some essays I have yet to complete, BUT they're a page long, which is more than enough for a blog post.  let's see where they lead.  Both of them I feel a need to hold onto for revisions.  I'm positive I'll have a better post for both soon.      

Unemployment Sucks Part 38: Sundaze

It's a Sunday and I told myself to get out of the house for a drive, and I did that.  Of course while on the road I had all sorts of thoughts I couldn't write down because I was driving, but I'd have to remember them for when I returned home. Decided that I'm not having my Sunday latte mainly cause I drank too much sweet tea yesterday and that would lead to a caffeine OD. The detox part is murder.  I need to drink a couple more bottles of water just the same. Love my drinks, but moderation balances me out.  Did I mention it was hot outside.  Savannah is all sorts of muggy and it always feels like it's flattening me as well as making me sweat.  

I got new tires last year, but I'm a bit worried about having to replace them, cause if i do, where's that money coming from?  I don't have it.  I just overspent for repairs to the battery and alternator that were quite ugly to my bank account.  It hurts to think about this, but one can't turn away.  Bills need to be paid, and thinking of my future is more than important.  You never know with cars and repairs today doesn't prevent another issue.  Will keep it in mind, and allow it to pass.  No need to panic for something that hasn't happened.

Needed to be more creative yesterday, but I found myself with a headache and neck pain.  It's been part stress and part bad sleeping.  At least today there was no neck pains, which made it perfect for driving.  it's that nasty ache that won't go away and I feel like it takes forever for medicine to kick in.  Also congestion please go away.  I need to drink more water for sure at this point.  I hate that feeling in the back of my throat.  When I get insurance again I'm having this check out cause there MUST be a way to be done with this.  It's time to keep on writing, so much luck, love, and success to those striving.