Let The Sunshine In?

I wanted to open my curtians, but I got some nosy ass neighbors whom I greatly suspect of trying to get a peek inside my home. This would be the second attempt. The first time, when I went to get my mail, and returned, I saw them trying to look through the patio window. I keep my shades closed. I want to let some sunlight in, but I can't trust people like that. Alas, my shades stay closed.

2006 What A Year It's Been

2006 marked some major changes for me. I became totally independent of my family, worked on my graduate classes, and began to blog much more. Blogging has become a production, which is not bad, at all as it serves two wonderful purposes; It keeps me writing on a regular basis, and it will add to my non-fiction portfolio rather nicely. I foresee my blog becoming more coherent, with a strong focus, and a wealth of entries. It feels great to have that. 2006 has been all about changes, and 2007 will be about changes as well.

I have had some rough spots as well. My car had major issues and cost me waaay to much to repair. I have been failing at making a solid budget. Since my grocery spending has become rather inflated, it was the first thing I put an end to. I have gotten many late fees trying to balance out my payments. Its been a rough year. I keep praying to be a better man and getting a handhold on my bills. God willing 2007 will be that year.

2007 will also mark me writing more, but this time actively submitting more material to be published. That will be a hard road worth traveling.

I Used'ta Think...

...That to be responsible and taken seriously, you can't have a sense of humor, or enjoy the little things in life. You have to be a cog in a bigger machine that works you until you grind out. There is no rest, no enjoyment, just an eternal machine that we are a part of. There is no duty in humor. There is shame in not being a part of the machine.

How wrong I was to believe in these lies. Working is honorable, and we all must live, but to suffer all your life and feel this is all you can have is a myth. I believe in the unlimited potential in the human mind, body, and soul. I need to laugh, and I need to smile on a regular basis. I need to feel silly most of the time. Just what if the silliness was a gift? What if I was supposed to make people smile and feel good about themselves? What if other’s people’s happiness made me feel good inside, and opened me to another level of living?

This does not discount your ability to enjoy life to its fullest. What really matters is that I take charge of my life, accept all my responsibilities for the rights and the wrongs I have done, and push myself to achieve better.

I cannot settle when I know there is so much that I want to do with my life. Many good blessings have come my way and will continue to do so, but it is up to me to seize the day and make my life work. I cannot lay my burdens onto someone else. I hope to see people smiling and laughing more. In turn I hope to be smiling and laughing more. I need to do what it takes to make me feel good. This is the best beginning for a New Year.

Last In- Charleston Written Post (12/28/06)

Decided to work on some essays I may never post on the theory of my writings. I know its my blog, but I don’t want to be anywhere as near as self-indulgent as I know I can be.

The Chronicles of Narnia is on. Its not like I didn’t see it before. Tilda Swinton makes a good villain (like she did in Constantine). Disney is threatening to lock this movie in their vault (like they do with all their movies). I guess if I want a copy I better go buy one. Yeah, right. No money for it. LOL. And I complained about my own self-indulgence… Maybe in ten years there will be extended scenes to watch. Who knows, but if I ever Jones for this video I will find out.

Tried the dial up for the first time today. Let me tell you, it was so slow, that after getting it running I decided NOT to sit and indulge in running that darn thing. Keep in mind after telling my bro that trap in his room doesn’t work, and then plugging my laptop in (I also have an ISP), it may have irked him.

This reminds me of when I tried to do my homework in the living room. LOL Those were the days.

I dream of a sofa in my living room. God willing, a good sofa will be mine.

New Playlist (12/28/06)

Completed a new play list for my ride home. Here are the songs:

1. Blow My Whistle-Utada Hikaru (feat. Foxy Brown)
2. Check On It by Beyoncé (feat Slim Thug)
3. Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
4. Pleasure Principal by Janet Jackson
5. Revelation Sunshine by Cree Summer
6. Cool by Gwen Stefani
7. More Than You Know by Martika
8. Weary by Amel Larrieux
9. It’s Gonna Rain by Kelly Price
10. Fire and Rain by Sheena Easton
11. Rock Me, Roll Me by Toni Braxton
12. Wonder About by Utada Hikaru
13. Hold Me by Sheila E.
14. Irreplaceable by Beyoncé
15. Not The Only One by Amerie
16. Say Something by Mariah Carey
17. Nasty Girls by Inya Day
18. Undress by Vanity

*Nasty Girls is a club style remake of the Vanity Six song.

NOTE: All my play lists have at least one Prince penned, performed, or protégée on there. There are seven on this list. Cool points to the person who can name them all. ☺

I Love My Full Day (12/28/06)

I am so tired. My Brother and Mom took me out to breakfast this morning. It hurts to be up so early. The vampire in me loathes getting up early. Its been a long while since I had a sit down breakfast. I felt great. Then Mom did some last minute shopping. Typical Mom thing is to check over everything. I am the opposite of her. Go into the store, get what you want, pay for it, and leave. LOL

Did some errands again. I have to say Dad came through at the last moment. Surprise surprise. I am at least at peace for the moment.

I fell asleep while watching “Diamonds are Forever.” It’s been a full day indeed. I love a good nap. My brother awakened me from my slumber. He was hungry. I bought some food and told him to help himself. I stayed awake to type out this blog entry. He ate and went to sleep.

I return home tomorrow. I will sleep in my bed, watch my movies, and enjoy the silence.

ASIDE: I think I broke through my comfort zone for a while. I dared stretch out my days, and enjoy myself. I have my own home now, and I pay my bills elsewhere. It’s where I hang my hat, live sleep and create. For a short while I was out of my element, and I loved being with my family. I confess I will miss my family upon returning home. It’s time for phase two of the vacation: Me time before I get back to work.

Watching Karas: The Prophecy (anime). It’s very dark, sleek, and a good watch. My anime appreciation was placed on hold for a short while, but I have been seeing some good ones on television.

Darn it Dad… (12/27/06)

Let’s just say no good, attempt at loving gestures will ever go unpunished. The man is trying to tax all of my patience. Parental love can be a myth and mystery.

Special thanks to my friends Beatty, Mieka and Jackie, who gave me encouraging words when I needed them. I love you guys for that. Support is good. Your support is worth its weight in diamonds. The big chunky blinging diamonds. ☺

One Track Mind (12/27/06)

Several days before I arrived in Charleston, I got a call from my older brother about how to make this computer he got work. Well, he wouldn’t define what he wanted to use the computer for. All I knew was that it was an older computer with a bad modem. He spoke to our younger brother who told him the computer was cheep and not effective for today’s standards. He didn’t listen to him, and began to work on the damn thing.

My bro is obsessed with making this computer internet savvy. Its an OLD computer. I checked it out for him. It has 1 GB of memory and half of that is already used up. The processing speed is ugly slow, like molasses moving uphill slow. Even if it could get on the ‘net, I would think its not going to do anything, but crash.

He spent half of last night trying to make that thing work, and all of today tying up the phone line trying to make it work. It’s 6:33 PM and he’s still on that thing. I’m like, be practical you bought that HD for $40.00. What do think its going to do. I even told him it was the equivalent of buying a car for $40.00. I’m not going to be the one to tell him about virus and spyware.

Why? Because he stopped listening to me a few days ago. You should see him trying to find an old phone chord to reach his room. He checked every drawer, the closets, the utility room, and the garage. Now he says the keyboard doesn’t work.

BTW found out he wants to make MP3’s with the ‘puter and store them on the HD. I told him 1 GB cannot hold more than a few songs along with the other software it has. Can I go bang my head into a wall now?

Let me add that while I will not see eye to eye with my brother in this, I do love him, and hope he can move beyond this. If he doesn’t I fear the universe will collapse upon itself.

Coming Home Again (12/27/06)

I’ve fallen in love with the song, “Trouble Sleeping” by Corinne Bailey Rae. She’s got a rich, mellow vibe. “Like A Star” is enchanting as well.

Told my Mom I will be leaving on Friday, and spend of the rest of my vacation days mellowing out at my place. I want to stay in Charleston a little longer, but I need some of my vacation time to mellow out and relax in my own bed, drinking tea, and working uninterrupted on my writing. Because I can’t go back to work feeling like I just walked out of Charleston, unsettled in my castle. Something about recharging my energies and synching into my own world feels right.

I am going to miss Mom, and my siblings. Its good to be around my family, even if it’s for a few days to feel their love and support. Things have changed, Charleston, that is. It has a certain amount of power, a renewing of my support system, and made me a better man. I feel the love, I feel the love. Thank God I feel the love of my people. I needed them in so many ways. It gives me a strength I can take back home with me. You can’t buy that kind of power.

Now I have changed, and for the better. Do you believe in miracles? When the spirit and body agree, I believe there will be doors of opportunity that are open to us all.

Still thinking of changing the name of my blog. I am being sentimental about “Yeah I Write This Blog,” so the change won’t happen overnight.

The family visit is a mixed bag of goodies. It is ALWAYS good to see Mom. She is a hard worker. My brothers are great to see, as it can be rather dull just talking on the phone, texting or emailing. My dad, well, he veers off somewhere that makes me wonder how to resolve anything with him. I can be very civil, but sometimes civility if a formality, like a duty, and not done out of love. Maybe it is love. Maybe that’s all I get from him.

Such bitter and sweet fruits that falls from the family tree.

Corinne Bailey Rae - Like A Star

There are two verisons of this video, but this is the version that made me pay attention to the song on VH1 Soul. Good music.

Post Christmast Posting (12/26/06)

Called my dad and we had a long talk. I’ll visit him tomorrow and we’ll talk in person. I am happy to have a pleasant exchange.

I miss my internet. OMG I haven’t posted in days. LOL How will I go on? ***Somebody cue the violins please…***

Visited grandmother in the hospital today. She’s doing fine. She’s getting better so it was good to see that progress is going well. My cousin showed up with her kids. I hadn’t seen them in like twelve years. The last time I saw the little ones, one was a baby, and the other was in the womb. They are so shy now. Kids. They only serve to remind me that I am not the young one anymore. I don’t miss it, but its cool to remember who I was without any negative vibes. I can’t always look back with fond memories, but I can now, and celebrate this.

More Random Thoughts (12/26/06)

I’m writing down a lot of thoughts, and I don’t have a clue as to where they are coming from or the logic I am going under. I am having ideas for changing my blog’s name or making a new blog from the ground up. I have all these changes unraveling in my noggin, and I don’t know where I’m heading. Color me living in the moment. It’ll pass, but I like the idea of changing the name.

My Exodus (12/26/06)

…From blogging.? I have thinking of my exodus from blogging. Would it be so bad for 2007 to let my blog go? I have yet to weight the pros and cons, but I have thinking of placing dedicated efforts into getting published as a full-time fiction and non-fiction writer. It would require me to break away from what I have bee doing in the past. My blog is one of them.

In 2003, I started this blog as an extension of my handwritten journal. There were times when I let my blog cool off for months. A friend asked when I was going to update it. I restarted it. I began to taper off again, and then I decided that if I wrote five sentences per post I would gear myself to writing more. Well I have done that, and I have done over 400 posts in the year 2006. Where can I take my blogging after that?

I feel, sometimes with my posts, I have been going in circles, and that has been disappointing to me. I suppose I should find out really why I like to blog. It may be more pro than con. I do have a dedicated blog. I invite any readers out there to leave a comment/suggestion.

Family Affairs (12/25/06)

The family is doing fine. Both siblings are ok. They made me smile. My niece might be here so I am looking forward top seeing her. It’s nice to spend time with people who care, as opposed to people you work with. No offence to anyone I work with, but we only know each other during our respective shits. Most of the people are great to speak, and converse with. I have to be honest about that status.

I have to go speak with my Dad, who is being a little too cagy with me. He’s a tricky one. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t want to regret reaching out to him, but he’s making it hard on me.

Grandma’s been making some progress. She, however, doesn’t want to eat or walk much. This is bothering me, as she KNOWS she has to get active to be better. Should she be unable to help herself, she could be facing having to stay in a nursing home. I’m not pleased with that, but grandmother tends to be tricky herself, as she is doing better, but wants people to stay with her full-time.

Writing the Wrongs Out (12/25/06)

Did some editing of my script today. I needed to find all the misspellings I overlooked before. I also needed to step away from it long enough to give myself some perspective. There are a few changes I want to do.

Trying to get the proposal competed as well. So many ideas to work on. I more than likely need to print it out and hand edit the work with a red pen.

I have some other ideas, and the sequel begs to be completed. I will start the sequel in the New Year, AFTER all the kinks are kicked

Travel Safety and My Foolishness (12/25/06)

NOTE: I wrote several of my entries in Word, as I was not online for the past few days, and decided to post them when I returned home. I missed blogging. Good to be away and return to it as well.

OK, I did something really stupid on my way to Charleston. I did not check the air in my tires. Well, the simple guy in me says why check them, they’re fine. So there I was an hour into my trip, when the thought burdened me that I didn’t check my tires. Then I saw strips of various tires in the road, and skid marks from other cars. I was like; do I know where I am, and if I had signal strength to call someone if my tire blows?

Well, I decided to pull over to the next gas station I saw, and I filled the tires with air. Well I needed that piece of mind, and two of my tires needed air. Not like they were flat or flabby, but it was visible that they needed air when I filled them. I could take my mind off of shredded tires and being “lost” on my way home. Yes, that was a stupid move on my part. I am thankful there was a solution to my foolishness.

Yes, God looks after his rather foolish child.

The Clean Up

Trying to clean up, and remain focused. Had coffee for breakfast. I will attempt to make brunch to satify my hunger. Still have to vacum and claen out the fridge. Played "catch up" with a few people. Need to catch up with one person, who refuses to do right, and I don't know what that's about, but I I am hoping this situation is meneded before the holiday festivities begin.

Fiction writing has been a little hectic. I've been wanted a few days to myself to write. Could not do that until now. of course, with the holidays upon me, I will be seeing more people. I will have to sneak my writing in. lets hope my peeps are forgiving of my possible reclusive tendencies. I should get a small notepad to jot down notes.

All That Constrains Us

All That Constrains Us
By Stacy R. Haynes

It wakes you in the morning.
It does not slither on the ground.
Nor creaks on an uneven cold floor to give it away.
You cannot taste it, nor can you touch it.
It invades you with each breath you take.

Can you feel it in your lungs?
It goes down like second hand smoke,
Burning your insides,
Painfully choking you, the uninitiated
Left to writhe in agony.
No doctor.
No medicine man.
No good night kiss can cure what ails you.

Take my hand,
Ride out the storm with me.
See me for who I am,
Lean on me for support.
I shall lean upon you
Let go of the poison.
Let us both be stronger than who we were before.
Let Hades reclaim his breath,
And let us be free of all that constrains us.

Artist Statement

I never had one. I need to make one:

My creative portfolio is expansive. I write fiction and nonfiction. My concertration is drawing, yet I paint, make photographs, and printmaking as well. I go with the flow of my creativity.
I work on what I am focused upon at the moment. I do as I please. Sleep during the day, work during the nights. I am subject to my whims, and my emotions charge my art.

EDIT: I will be working on this statement. It doesn't encompas me I want it to. It's my perogative to change my mind.

Catwoman Again

I retook the photo of my Catwoman watercolor. What bothered me was that the hand/claw on the wall was not visible in the orginal photo. it pissed me off. Well, I retook the image. I ran the image through Photoshops filters and adjustments. So you can see the fun I have with my own images. Image one has less alterations. Only the contrat and levels were adjusted, along with a little blur added to it. The second has a water color filter to it. Water color on top of a watercolor. Cool. Well see them both, compare them in your own mind. BTW to give some props to the image, it is a copy or a swipe (sort of) of an image by Darwyn Cooke from
his drawing of Catwoman. I did it for myself.

Getting Used

Without delving into the specifics, I have been used, and it doesn't feel good. I am upset because I left myself open to be used, and that was my mistake. Instead of being pissed and sulking, I decided to take matters to the proper people, and settle this dipute proper. I want to expose the bull and put an end to it.

Where Did Thirty-Five Go?

When I asked myself. "how old am I," I paused. I didn't have a clue. I was so confused, that I started counting back the years. I was just thirty-four, working two jobs and taking classes. I stopped both classes and the jobs, and began to work for Verizon Wireless as a customer service sgent. Now I am thirty-six. That middle year of thirty-five. Who was that guy? He's different from past Stacy, and current Stacy. Was he a transition, appariation, or imagination?

Well, what the hell does it all mean? I'm entered a new phase in my life. I'm seeing myself as seperate beings or as seperate parts of my life where changes began. It feels odd, but I can tell you I'm not the person that I was. I feel transformed.

If God is willing, I'm going to make my outter world as reflective of changes as my inner world.

Gandmom's Doing Well!

Well, I spoke with Mom, and Grandmom's doing fine. She does have to take some antibiotics and will stay in the hospital for a few days. Grandmom says she's been sick all week, but didn't tell Mom, or my Aunt, whom she spoke with prior to having a trip to the hospital. Well, now she's milking her illness for attention, which in turn will cause friction. I don't think it matters to her that her daughters were asking her how she feels. She now knows she can get attention, and in effect make her daughters look like they were not concenerd about her welfare. I suggested to Mom, that when grandmom is well, have a polite chat with her about infoming people when she's feeling ill. I don't know how I feel about this situation. At one point its insulting to have someone you love milk an illness, at the same time be relived that they are recovering. Its very manipulative, and I hate being used.

Today's Plans

After I'm done with the loaf, I want to work on my writing. I have a sci-fi short story that I would love to see completed. If I can do two more typewritten pages today I would be pleased. Furthermore I started ideas for the sequal to my comic, and would like to see four typewritten pages of script for that as well. So its a somewhat busy day.

This is Yesterday!

Grandmom's ill. She had to go to the hospital. Mom stayed with her overnight. I am waiting for a call from her. She should be fine. Quite a rain on the day. A friend's house was robbed earlier this week. I am upset about this news as well. When I see her I will talk with her. She has my sympathies.

Last night made a meatloaf as I loafed about. I thought it was fully cooked, but to my surpise I saw that the meat was still red on the inside. You can imagine my dismay. Needless to say, since it was late, I have to re-cook it early this moring. So its an even slower process as I let the meat become room temp, then placed on "warm" in the oven, and I am slowly upping the temperature.

Yesterday I made a trip to Wal-Mart, looking for a gift basket, then to the mall. Parking is awful. It took me at least 20 mins to find good parking. The mall was crowded (no duh), and people dragged along and took up time and space. I hate large crowds. It becomes rather overwhelming. When it was time to go, it only took five mins to get the hell outta dodge. To treat myself I bought me some cookies. White chocolate macadamia nut cookies to be exact. Mmmmmm!

New Self-Portrait

I thought I would NEVER take another picture with my glases. I changed my mind. I think they're cool-inside my home. LOL I will not wear them in public. Honestly, I need to get another pair of glasses so when I don't feel like wearing contacts, I can wear some newer eyewear.

I did like how this picture turned out, and I ran the photo through Photoshop. I adjusted the colors then added filters.

I'm In A Silly Mood

I feel like writing something. I don't know, let's try writing about smoking. A story or song that focuses on smoking. Can I catch a nicotine fit from second hand smoke? Don't let that puff catch you sleeping! Are my lungs tarred and charred. Are they as beat as my feet after wearing my work shoes. Will it make me slimmer and therefor sexy? Am I a throwback to the days where men puffed a few and looked cool doing it?

Thundarr the Barbarian -- Introduction

The child in me still LOVES this show.

Me, Myself & My So-Called Craft

I know I’m a work in progress. I’m so much like my art because I keep trying at it. It doesn’t matter so long as I get down to business, be it drawing, photography, or writing. I do struggle a whole lot with life and resolutions. I learn and grow. I’m hard headed so some of life’s lessons have to be repeated. I want to establish control of my life and art. Maybe I need to loosen up. Let me explain.

For the longest I have complained and desired about not censoring myself. I wanted to be free of the constraints. Well, why did I place the constraints there to begin with? Be forewarned, this is an introspective post.

Well, I have always wanted to fit in with other people. I wanted them to think me special, and look at my writing as my unique talent. I’d be the cool person for once. That was the plan. It was an utter waste of time and energy. Not because I’m failing at it, but rather that I have excelled at becoming a person who is liked by several for not being me, but rather someone who is like me. He’s talented, smart, and a good guy, but he lacks the depth that I truly possess.

Writing does not make me special. It does not make me different. I am no smarter than the next person. That was a foolish vision I used to cling to like cheap undies one size too small. At one time in my life, it was important for me to be liked and to fit in, but not as who I am, but as the sly writer. Writers, I thought were special. They’re not.

If I had a dime for every life experience I had with someone where I came to the conclusion that “people put their pants on one leg at a time,” well I’d have a lot of dimes to wrap for my bank to take.

I have been establishing my independence, being my own man, living my life. I’m trying to earn my living while getting my masters degree in contemporary writing. Its not all bliss and cake. Its damn hard, and sometimes its rough, but I can’t go back and change things.

I feel like rebelling. This happened to me when I was an undergrad. I struggled in my literature and art classes. I wanted to do the work, but I could not be like everyone else. There were times when I didn’t know what my professor wanted. I got so upset I decided to do the damn paper/draw the image. If he or she didn’t like what I produced, well that’s too bad. I’m giving it my all.

I worked so hard for my BA, and I thought I was an utter failure, but I persisted. I never gave up. My professors came around and noted my individuality. I didn’t have to belong to any group. I was me, and people took it or left it. Those were great years.

Imagine my shock as my encouragement from my instructors turned to dust as I applied to graduate school in painting, and found my art portfolio did not meet the standards for which art is measured. I felt like a true failure, because in spite of some fantastic talented instructors backing me, I fell flat on my face. At that moment I wanted to belong again.

My writing lost edges, as did my desire to draw, paint, or do photography. I plagued myself with self-doubt. I fell into dead-end jobs, and felt trapped for a long time.

What I crave now is a change. Not a change in just my art, but in my life. I need to shift to focus from extraordinary expression on paper and canvas, but into life as well. I need to take myself serious. Why can’t I use my talents to become a business?

My name should be synonymous with substance, quality and style. The kind of man who exudes cool under pressure, and commands respect not for being “special”, but for taking control of his life, and working to constantly improve said life.

I wonder sometimes, would I have been grateful for what has been given to me in life if I didn’t go through all the negative things in life? Many times I have been so ungrateful for opportunities, love and support. I still have many mistakes to learn from. I am not perfect. I have got to remember that, and keep my business in check.

Things I Need To Get Over (God Willing)

1. I am very clumsy, and un co-ordinated.
2. I can be very indecisive.
3. I don't eat balanced meals.
4. Forgetting stuff all the time, like checking the stove.
5. I am not perfect.
6. Hating to be assertive (what's that about?)
7. Do I need to list more?
   

Imani Coppola: Legend of a Cowgirl

Remember this song? I love Imani's attitude, and an interestinc CD. I like artists who defy descrition. The video is funny too.

More Fine Art: Silence

I did Silence a while back. It was form my ex-roomate years ago, but he never picked it up. That was a lifetime ago. It just sat in my portfolio. Well, I love the image. When i too the picture, the color was distorted. It appeared brown in the image. Made it a momchrome image through Photoshop, and ran some filthers on it. There's a dimension of texture added upon what it already had.

Sleep Interrupted

I so miss the late night working and day sleeping. The vampire in me gone. I have lost my night powers, and the ability to appear charming and dutiful. My sleep pattern is so off, I tried to sleep at my late hours, knowing I had to be up at a certain time. Its all part of change, so I will adapt.

I remember when I used to work for a certain cell phone co, and I was getting off work at 9:00 PM. I was like what? This is new and interesting. I got to see a prime time show or two.

I think i should relax tonight. I will handwrite out some more ideas. Until I get my sleep kinks worked out i can't work ideas out proper.

Me On My Writing Goals

I want to write unapoligeticly. I want to make stories that push me further than my comfort zone. I've siad it before, but I need it to soak in. Perhaps some brazen writers are needed for me to read.

That being said, let me clarify: I want to remove my inner censor/editor, who writes "pretty." I'm trying to get to the heart of my art and set it free. its been my goal all along.

My motto still is, "I will be free of all that constrains me!"

Can You Hate the Meters?

Life is full of penalties and dismays that bring blight to a day. It is absolutely insane trying to find good and economical parking downtown. I can't maximise the potential of parking. The best meters are blocks away, and the closer ones to where I need to be, are obnoxiously expensive. I am hopping to get things done the way they need to be. I am very upset about this, as I am losing money.

Didn't do too mcuh writing yesterday. I did manage to get off some handwritten notes that I will use later. I am still trying to adjust to different times, and be productive. I did indulge in the gulity pleasure of watching some prime time shows that I normally don't get to see.

Did manage to create a new concept I am hoping to explore.

Late, Late, Late (Not To be Confused With "Latte")

Been doing my revisions. My experet intelligent Eye has read over the material and belives its very straightfoward, which I need it to be. OMG, did the synopsis of the entire six chapters. It wasn't hard, but nailing down details is a little daunting, but it is so done now. I've got to give myself some rest. I love the work, but I need to break away and take care of other things before I chill for the night.

Has anybody ever heard Mya's Song "Whatever Bitch?" OMG this song is so funny and clever!

Editing

Decided to edit my proposal. I have divided it into three parts. The first was the concept, second was the background. The last part was the series content. I will have to let it cool down for a while before I can have an opinion on it. I need to re-write the synopis part between tonight and tomorrow. I think the cast list can stand as is. All I can do is tweak that information. I've said pretty much all I can about the characters.

Revising A Proposal

Thanks to some good pointers I was able to revise my proposal for my comic book. At first, I thought I would be trapped by what I created as the first proposal, but I am proud to say that I have moved into a bolder and better direction. I am happy I was able to make a shit in thoughts. It's been a wild run, but oh, so worth the travel.

being away from the material has allowed me to think more on the titles and how the characters appear. Now I have to go and tweak some notes. I am buzzed with creativity.

Headache

I woke up today with a headache, and had one all day. Took some Advil, and it cleared up. I think it was caffeine related. I digress. Didn't do much writing. Have to call the apt manager. The new neighbor's music is so loud I hear it in my bedroom, and living room. I am beside myself, because I was willing to let it go if it were like 15 mins. What's that compared to a whole day, but all this week-end starting Friday night (1:00 AM) to today, I get these loud thumping sounds that distracted me from sleep, TV, or sitting in my LR to type or eat.

Cooking and Cleaning

As usual, the budget went a little overboard. I did get my groceries, pay some bills, and hope to relax the rest of the night. Marinated some steaks, and I have been waiting for them dammit. Sauteed some veggies I plan to divide between the steaks and the baked potatoes I have. I put a little too much chipotle pepper on the veggies. now they have a mean kick to them. Not that I am complaining, but I was going for little kick. Used garlic cloves for the first time, as opposed to garlic powder or minced garlic. The cloves have a mild smell to them. I am sure it will add another dimension to the steak and veggies.

I want to cook some field peas tomorrow in the crock pot. I need some meat to flavor the pot; something I did not buy. Well, its back to the grocery store tomorrow. I do want some pastry too. Nothing expensive, but to go with a cup of coffee in the morning. I thought of making a meat loaf, but my mind is like that's not on the clock for me tonight or tomorrow. perhaps next week-end.

Cleaned my microwave and my counter. It was worth doing. It was looking rough in there. I can't have my microwave looking like a cave. Took my time and cleaned it. It's done, but after cooking I have to clean again.

Cool Down Moment

I've been thinking about my six chapter comic. Its completed, but I decided to write a sequal to the six chapters. I also decided to revise how the proposal is, as I got some good ideas from the YABS forum. Also, now that I have had time to not think of my project, I have had some minor ideas. I am redoing/modifying the character descriptions as needed. I want it to read as clear as possible, and now have the clarity to do so. :-)

Cold, Cold, Cold

It's so darn cold today. I know I should have bought my scarf and a hat to work to wear. That wind whipped right through me as if my fleece, pants, and jacket wasnt there. it ain't warming up either. Its staying icy cold. The northerners say its not cold. I remind them that I have only lived in the southeast, and its freezing to me.

Fiona Apple

I love this song. You KNOW I had to post it when I saw it. :-)

The Makings of Holiday Cheers I

The holidays are producing mixed emotions in me. I want to embrace the holiday spirit and give, more than I usually do. At the bare minimum, I am hoping to spread some cheer. I find myself in the middle of a chaotic week of wants and needs, the demands of work and people. I have so many commitments, I feel like it all happens so fast. I am living for the week-end where I can hear myself think. Thank God I have time to rest my mind and body.

The baked chicken turned out ok last night. I let it cook a little too much, but the meat falls off the bone, and it didn’t dry out. My only regret was not having the time to marinate the meat. The seasons really are on the surface of the meat. Maybe when I get home it will taste different.

Parking was awful today, as there is a play at a nearby theater, and visitors have taken all the viable parking spaces. I hate circling. Good news is parking is free after 2:00 PM on Thursdays and Fridays during the holidays. I fear my meter is going to cheat me out of a few minutes. I went to check it. Added a couple of quarters to make sure that indicator wasn’t acting funny. All I need is another darn ticket to add to my expenses. I am so losing money from this exchange.

Was told my dad was upset that my older brother didn’t call him to wish him happy birthday. My mindset was he can just ignore my brother’s birthday next month like he usually does as with all his son’s birthdays. That’ll teach my bother to forget an important day, right? I wonder about that man sometimes. Does he even know when our birthdays are? No phone calls, no birthday cards no anything. A text message would surprise and impress me.

These are the things that compose my holiday cheers, on the surface, at least. I will cheer myself up, and maybe tomorrow I will treat myself to a latte. Maybe. Not the eggnog latte. That @#%& is NASTY! I regretted every sip of it last year. So wrong was it that I remembered NOT to try it this year.

Are You Worthy?

Here's a question I will be asking myself from now on; is a topic worthy of a blog entry? This is my blog, my adventure, and my life. What should be placed on my blog? What rules have I established for writing/posting? This is my entry, and this is my goal to resolve.

I wonder who and what situtation feels worthy of a post. Is it the late mailman, or my goofy burning of french fries? Am I a typaholic? Perhaps the person with he foot fetish, or my ever annoying adventures with my cell phone bill/carrier?

Everything is subject to my documentation.

Baked Chicken

For tomorrow I am having baked chicken, and some stringbeans. Decided to bake the chicken tonight, because if I came home and cooked tomorrow, it will be too late for me to enjoy it. Ran out of peanut butter as well. I am so mad. I have been living off the sandwiches during my break, which has been very rewarding as a meal.

I showed some of my art to some people today that's posted on my blog, and someone at work asked me if I wrote about the job. I was like there are NO company secrets posts, and I rarely mention names. I haven't infringed upon my workplace. Someone asked if I wrote about them. For those not in the know, I prefer to write about my life and my writing. No offence to anyone, but that's where the source material is. On a good not if something does happen positive at work I will share that.

I Was Soooo Tired

I was so tired yesterday after work. I felt so spent that after watching some of Transformers the Moie, that it was time for bed. I decided to play Contantine as my bedtime movie. Why did I do that? I hadn't seen that movie in over a year, and I was so curious as to what was happening. If I wasn't real tired and fell asleep, I would have watched the whole thing.

Transformers the Movie is twenty years old. My co worker was three then. I was like fifteen or sixteen. LOL I really have a time frame for myself now. Oh YUCK! Well, I never think about age, until one of my fave toons dates itself. Whell thank you freaking Transformers for aging me like at 2,000 MPH-NOT! LOL I wanted to be a Decepticon. I was such a space cadet.

I want a steak with sauteed vegatables, and a baked potato. Its past time. I've been waiting for too long.

Ayumi Hamasaki - GAME

I love this song. It's nice to put visuals to the song.

How Much Heart (& Soul)?

Today has been calm and cool, and I enjoyed it. Not too many times will that happen in the day. Even the cold didn't deter me this morning. Feeding the meter didn't upset me like it normally does. I HATE the meters, but I was like this is life. I am so on top of that today. Went to work singing and not giving a damn about any lows. Sometimes letting go of all that would bring me down is the hidden blessing that gets me through all the chaos.

I started writing down ideas for the directions I want to take my contemporary writing career towards. I have a lot of random unfocused thoughts I typed. At first this fustrated me, as I wanted an instant answer. For those who don't know my writing has never yeilded an "instant answer." I have worked and worked to resolve ideas and conflicts in my writng for years. Tonight is no different. I will have to work harder and harder, producing ideas that I may or may not like. I do know one thing for sure; the time for me to wait for things to happen is over.

I am sure I will have the answers I seek very soon. Some things cannot be denied. I will not be denied my own choices & freedoms. I need to refine my dedication and purpose for writing. I feel that success will be obtained, once I break on through my own self-imposed barriers. No one can stop me but me these days. God willing, I will have the keys to open all doors of opportunity.

French Fried

Well, I made some french fries, because I didn't want to eat spaghetti again tonight. Not that it was bad, in fact the spaghetti is great. I wanted to change up a little. French fries would have made my day. All I can say is I took my mind off the damn pot for a few a moments, and then it happened; I went back to the stove, and my fries were blackened!

Awww damn! Well, I decided to heat up some spaghetti in the microwave and call it a dinner.

More Fine Art: Amenhotep

I did this pastel drawing a while ago, and when I saw it for the first time in a long while, I was loving it. I like the wide space and the image on one side of the paper. It has an spiritual quality I was not actively aware of when I did this drawing. I'm rather taken by the image, and the effect it has on me. That's never happened to me before, concerning my own art. It is one of my simpler, yet favorite pieces.

The photograph of this image came out so bright when I took it, that I went into Photoshop to reduce the amount of brightness.
I tried some of the filters on them, and some looked great, but I opted not to present the filtered images yet.

A BIT OF TRIVIA: The image I based my drawing from is from a statue of Pharaoh Akhenaten (Amenhotep). He was the husband of Nefertiti. They were the 18th dynasty rulers in Egypt (14th century).

Loaf About Day

Today is loaf about day. That's what I am doing. I don't care about anything heavy today. I just want to relax and enjoy the time I have. I should have bought a pie for some desert, but I didn't so I will make do with what I have. I need some music to soothe me.

Utada Hikaru - Keep Tryin'

Another J-Pop artist, Utada Hikaru. The song is Keep Tryin.

Back To Work

So my holiday is over, and its not so bad. I did have to get up early, which I loathe, but I made it through. For lunch I am having peanut butter sandwhiches and hot tea. It looks like its gonna rain and I hate when it does. Made a good pat of spagetti last night. I should have used hot sausage. The mild is tepid. It tastes great though.

It's raining, HARD. Its ugly. I wanted to stop by the grocery store tonight. I need some extra ingriedents for the baked chicken I planned to make. Hopefully the rain will stop before I leave work. Otherwise I'm making a b-line for home.

Catwoman II

Here are two more varying pics of the lovely catwoman. I kept the texture and altered the colors. i played with these pix more than id di watching tv last night. I need to go write something in the fiction area, or I will have done what i always do, and that is procrastinate so bad. LOL I was never able to appretiate my art, and now I have a chance to. I should have done ten picks of Catwoman, then i may have had something more to work with. Well, its never too late. I will go update the songs on my iPod, and get to writing fiction, or at least compiling my work like I said.

Catwoman (Post Fifty For the Month)

I return to my theme of cats by positing this painting I did long ago. It hangs in my bedroom. It was done in watercolors. I took it through Photoshop and played with the image some.

I added some textures to it, and lightened the image, since the pix came out darker, which was no surprise.

More Than Another Day

I decided to finally take myself to the DMV and get myself a valid GA driver's licence, as opposed to the SC one I currently have. I checked online, and what it stated was I needed my current DL, and proof of residency, which is a utility bill or a pay stub. No big whoop, right? Wrong. I also needed my birth certificate or a passport. I didn't know that until I had to get in that damn line. I was pissed. OMG Why wasn't it on the website? Did I overlook it? Just what the hell is going on? All I wanted to do is switch over to GA and now there is an extra step involved. I am so done with this for today.

Today I don't want to write any fiction. Just like yesterday when I didn't feel like blogging. Well, when is it going to get done, and who the hell is going to do it? Sometimes I am too spoiled, and put off all the things I need to do because I don't have to. However, sometimes it pays to do all the things you don't have to do, but it would pay off one thousand times to do it before its necessary.

This is my last day of vacation, and I hoping to enjoy it. I enjoy writing more right? The get to work buzz is coming on. Even if I handwrite the work I will be satisfied. I believe I will be compiling the notes I wrote out a few days ago. Tomorrow will be back into the hustle and bustle of the break time at work. The end of the quarter is always this dry affair where I am ready to get back to my regular routine. See, writing brings me a sense of balance. i don't appreciate it sometimes until I am unable to do it on a regular basis.

What I "Feel"

All of a sudden, I don't "feel" like writing. I want to be lazy and loaf about. I hung up more artwork from home, in my place. My Mom got me this cool plant that now sits in my living room. The plat itself gives weight to the area, as I have someting beside the flooor to anchor my interests. I placed many paintings in the living room, and in the bedroom. Its nice to see something besides white walls when I get up in the morning. Now I have varying sized images to greet me. Its so beautiful, and rewarding to add dimention to my place. At last my pad is my pad, and has some persona touched I feel are completely me. That's positive energy you can't buy. A piece of mind is always worthwhile.

I have a vision of a table to go at the front of my LR, some shelves, and a couch. I am praying that I will be blessed with the opportunity to purchase it. This reminds me of when I first started college. I had the total bare minimum: three pairs of jeans, a few shirst, worn out shoes, and I had to beg my father to get me a bus card. How times have changed for the better. They will keep getting better bcause I cannot give up on myslef.

I wonder how productive I would have written if I did "feel" like writing? What can I say, I go through these moods, then work them out. "Feel" is subjective and means I am procrastinating. Its not like I can't get milage out of writing. I may not feel "inspired," but i do have the skills to take action. Nobdoy says the writing has to be good from jump, and it is nice to see something besides a blank screen.

11/27/06 Please, No High School Reunion!

There is a reason I do not want to have a high school reunion. Mind you, I love my return to Charleston, and I have a restored sense of balance that I was missing. The family have healing powers. It goes without saying that I feel the love. Everything will be fine in the world when you have your support system in place.

Well, while going to the bank to get myself a roll of quarters for my return to Savannah, GA, I meet someone who recognizes me (without my glasses too). He’s someone I’ve known of since elementary school. He hinted he spent six years in jail, and he was low on money, and asked me if I had some to spare. I didn’t have any money to spare. Anyways I had the impression he was strung out and looking for another way to get a hit. I knew he was desperate, as he hadn’t seen me in what, 16-18 years? C’mon, we were never friends in school. We just knew each other.

Needless to say I have met like maybe 10 people from HS and those exchanges were great. Some the other people from HS I hear about are junkies or in jail. Somehow my square world seems so round in a naïve, “drugs are for losers/just say ‘no’” way.

11/27/06 The People In Our Lives

I thought it would be another day, as I spend some quality time with my family. I thought about going home a little earlier, as to get all my home affairs in order. Gotta TCB 24/7. I did manage to get a handle on a couple of outstanding situations, which has me praising the Lord. I can’t live with the sense that things are getting under my skin. I prayed for a way to handle my issues, and I got what I asked for.

Had lunch with my good friend Z today. It was good to see her. She looks fantastic! She is usually busy, so I am glad we got that moment. I wish we could hang out more, but we live in two different states. The commute would be some mad wear and tear. Its still great to connect.

Took a brief look in a bookstore, but I didn’t buy a thing. No money anyways for new things. I do enjoy browsing sometimes. I pray for me to master my finances, and become more proactive in my life. It’s going to take some time, but I am positive prayer and meditation will help me become a better man.

11/26/06 One Art

I visited my bro’s place as I finally got to see his apartment. It looks so good! Decided that after typing a total of six and a quarter of pages, it was time to try a script version of the story. As per my own rules, I only needed to do four pages at a set time. I ended up doing five pages, and may go onto seven pages provided my muse will carry me further. I still have info from the prose to script out.

I have a dinner date with a friend. We’ve been planning a day to get together. I think I will go home on Tuesday, as its time to get back into my place.

I have been very happy to see my family and hang out with them. My bro did get his Christmas tree. It was nice. I thought about a Christmas tree for my place, but unless I draw it, it ain’t happening. Not a bad idea either.

Speaking of drawing, I will be taking several pieces of my art home with me, and they will decorate my walls. ☺ Initially they sat in portfolios in Mom’s garage. It was time to liberate them. My artwork has a certain amount of power and energy, and I need them to strengthen me.

I hadn’t seen my own art in a while. I looked several images over several times. The monotypes were arresting to me. I will post the images once I get take some pictures. Perhaps if its sunny outside. I missed drawing and painting. Thankfully I have supplies and don’t have to purchase them. They will give me some peace of mind when I start drawing again, as opposed to doodling over everything.

I will, in the future, start to use watercolors again.

My song of the night is “Game” by Ayumi Hamsaki. I am so on the J-Pop kick. I love it so.

11//25/06 Hello Charleston

I decided that I would not be on the internet for a few days, as I am on vacation, but that’s no excuse to not write, right? Well, I arrived at Mom’s house. I am so happy to see her. Guess what, she was knocked out asleep. She was tired from work. Mom’s a hard worker. My older brother was around so we talked for a while. My younger bro was somewhere, so I left a message for him.

Mom makes the best meals, so I have a marvelous time eating it too. How I missed her cooking. ☺

Visited my Grandmother today. She loves to tell me my “face is so fat.” She doesn’t know how nobody wants to hear anyone tell him or her that they are fat. My Mother often says to ignore her comments. I usually do.

Called a couple of people I hadn’t talked to in a while, so it was nice to speak to them. They were busy, as usual. It is that time of year where people are trying to handle their holiday business.

My bro says he’s doing a Christmas tree. I can’t afford that this year. It’s all about the bills, and I am going to get them paid. I get so stressed sometimes. I am praying I get it all under control.

I will, however, get into the Christmas spirit, which means surrounding myself with positive energy and people. Well wishes to all, even to the people trying to stress me. A moment of goodness may give them some happiness. Peace and love can circle the Earth. I am thankful for the positive vibes and choices available to me.

I am off to write a new short story. I can get three typed pages within the hour if I try hard enough.

***UPDATE*** I ended up writing 5 & a quarter pages. I hope to do some more tomorrow. I need to get up and stretch.

Listening to “Secret Sorrow” by Kohei Koizumi. The lyrics are in Japanese, but you can tell by the music that the song has a lot of emotion. Its very beautiful. I never bothered to find a translation of the lyrics, but it doesn’t really need to be translated. I feel the impact without them.

Ayumi Hamasaki - STEP You

I like this video. I have fallen into j-pop music, which is not bad. It's time to share. :-)

Happy Holiday

I'm wishing a Happy Holiday to everyone. Hopefully all will have a time of peace and fulfilment. Perhaps a chnace to catch up with family and friends. Even a day off from work can be stress free and beautiful. I pray for those who do not have these moments, and may have them soon. Everybody please be safe. I know its the holidays, and it can get hectic on the roads. There are some who know how to grinch a good time.

365

I have reached my 365th Post this month! Do you know what this means? I have averaged a post per day at this point! This has been a good exersise in writing, and I hope to maintin the stammina I have demonstrated.

It was a late start today. Intially I woke up early, called the payroll office to make sure my timesheets were faxed proper. Once I heard that they were, I went back to sleep. I thought I could roll out of be at like 1:00 PM, but it was 1:50! LOL if I was working today (which I am not) I would have so little time for myself. Sometimes I need to rest and relax, and then get ready for the trek to the job.

Well, I can stop posting now. I have done my duties as a blogger. Somehow I don't think I will stop blogging. I do reserve the right to have some holiday time and be away from the computer. I have given a year's worth of entries.

Wrote down some ideas for stories that I want to follow up on. I also have a short story to start, cause a good writer keepps writng be it pent to paper on my laptop. I'd write with crayon if I have to. I need to keep writing. Thank God for great days.

Changes In the Wind

Hadn't seen the peeps in a while and I am a bit nervous. Its been a year of me being independant. I cherish my freedoms and love the direction I am heading towards. It ain't always easy, but I love my life. I keep wondering. What's changed in the family, besides my missing dynamics. Have people changed drasticly, or minimally? Will I like the changes? Will they like the changes in me?

Busy Day Baby!!!

Oh my goodness it was book return day, and all I have to say is it hurt so much, then it tapered off to a trickle where things got long and drawn out. It was maddening. I signed timesheets tonight. I noticed a few students didn't do theirs, and they know if they want to get paid its time to do your timesheets.

Tried faxing the timesheets today and I found that the faxes took forever. I was so upset. I'm not sure they went through. I better make sure and call the office tomorrow. it took over an hour. I was so upset! Workstudies can't be getting mad at me for nonpayment. if I have to take them a copy tomorrow, then I will. I might email them too.

I had three boxes to ship to Atlanta. I tell you every time I thought I had enough books , another one came in that needed to go back to Atl. I eneded up opening one of the boxes after sealing it to add a book. I got new boxes this week, so no more old crusty, beat up, old boxes.

I have a couple of lazy students who everyone can clearly see are being bums. I so am changing that. They make it hard for me because I have to lay down harder rules for all. How many times can I ask people to police themselves. Its like talking to a wall with some people. Do yer work and save me from having to bust yer chops all the time. Why do I have to become aggresive to have people do what we pay them for? The other students are flawless. I love them. my problem kids are all middle kids like me, I'm sure.

Eager to see the peeps. My bro offered me a chance to crash at his place. He so rocks. I may take him up on my offer. He has some of the coolest lazyboys. I miss them so. One could fade into dreamland in those things so easy. I want one. LOL

So Done With...

This afternoon was a little hectic. Found out there was drama at work (new ish). I fortunately caught the tail end of it. I tell you that there is this slimy cycle of foolishness that always comes at the end of the quarter. I am so done with this aspect. I am too tired to think about it.

I have a visit with the peeps coming up and while I am happy to see some, and I ain't too pleased with some others. Some people don't know how to act or behave, and quite frankly time is too precious to be in that steaming pile of garbage. I am so done with the dramas that play around my peeps.

Called my Mom and had a good Mom/Son conversation. She misses me. I miss her to. We so need to go out and have a day where we relax. I think I'll treat her to ice cream. We both can't eat too much of it, but I think once will be great. I'm past due for a visit with my Grandmother. Gotta call her. She loves receiving calls. Odd, but distance has made me appreciate several people more.

Sunday Scene III

Parking was terrible, as I made my way through. I need to move my car, and I am not happy about how far I had to park. It wasn't so busy that i felt overwhelmed. Again I feel its the calm before the storm. I feel a need to be very fearful of the onslaught of books. Made some h0t chocolate I hated so bad. The taste was not all that. perhaps two packets would make the taste richer? I don't know. Need to cap off my second bottle of water.

Sunday Scene II

Decided to have a music afternoon. No TV just some music from my playlists. Its been relaxing and enjoyable. Having some iced tea, and enjoying the day. Wrote a synopsis for the sequal to my six chapters. I love the direction I'm taking the characters. I think I will begin scripting it because it would be so worth it. I could get four pages done by tonight.

I need to prepare my dinner, as I know I'm not buying another damn meal anytime soon. Next payday is SUPER BUDGET. No room for a latte in their either, which bothers me, but it must be done. I don't do too much Christmas shopping. I may purchase my neice a couple of picture books, but that's it for me. I want to get my budget under control, and reduce my spending, get my bills paid on time.

The Sunday Scene Part I

I never know how a Suanday can go at work. Sometimes the tempo is rapid and draining. Other times its crawling, and I get all my chores done. Its the end of the qaurter, and I feel that we're gonna get pummeled with returrned books, desperate students and the obliglatory "when do you close" statement at least a dozen times per hour. Of course when I retuned the key I took home Friday, the places was as peaceful as can be. My co-worker told me it was calm all day. Calm before the storm?

The Power of Words

I was thinking about the power of words. I wrote an email that upset someone. That wasn't my intent, however, the email was met with hostility. It makes me think that sometimes words can seem or feel cut and dried when the intent of malice iss not there. Well the only way for me to resolve this issue was to reply with a more open, friendlier email and apologize if my words were too harsh. Sometimes being diplomatic bothers me, because the person I sent the email to knows the email was concering things we discussed previously.

I underestimated how people react when I am trying to be no-nonsense. Which brings me to the conclusion that people don't like it when I assert myself. I don't know how, but this has got to change. Nobody ever went anyplace holding their rights back.

I'm Gonna Be Alright

Note: I realize how vulnerable and painful this post is to me, and I also realize that posting it has made me stronger in many more ways. I post this as a testimony to the positive changes my life is undergoing.

I have issues with my father. I am used to his oft-putting ways, and the 10-mile wedge between us. I can make my way cross to his side, but this is such a pitfall of a one-way relationship that has existed since I could remember. It’s got me hitting my head against the wall.

I don't have his support on any endeavor I partake. He’s so uninvolved and so uninterested that I sometimes think he doesn’t give a damn about anything he associates with his “old life,” and that’s my Mother, brothers, and myself. This is truly a hard pill to swallow; yet I must. He abandoned us, and he left us in the wind. Now he’s off doing all sorts of better things that don’t involve his family. I think he would be happy if he didn’t see us at all.

Well, realizing the depth of my father’s love has hurt me so bad I was reduced to tears. I am at that point in the road where I am tired. Tired of the ups and downs, the games, and the lies. I don’t need excuses and I don’t want to argue about memories. His rejection doesn’t matter anymore, because if I am ever to move forward I have got to let go of his baggage and mine that ties me to him. This knowledge makes me look at my life differently. I don’t have to hold onto the pain, and I don’t have to be mad about the memories and drama. I feel as if I can let him, the bitterness, and his foolishness go without looking back, and without any hard feelings.

No, my realizations didn’t come to me easy, and I anguished over the pain and loss. I gained some valuable insight from this experience. Mind you, I wish I didn’t have to go through this drama. This is, however, my story, my path, my life, and I have to do what I have to do to not simply survive, but to succeed in life. I wish I had no worries, but I do, and am going to handle them all. No one dictates my feelings, by default, or otherwise anymore.

Keys In The Pocket

Goofy me, I got home, emptied my pockes and what's in there, but the key to the main floor copier. After i checked all of our copiers, I had to be grown tonight, and walk all the floors to make sure everything was in place. Well, I forgot about the copier key and didn't put it back. OK, I emailed the day staff and told them I would be at the job in the afternoon to
return said keys. The copiers are full so I know they won't need the key ASAP. Ah, one of those goofy things I do and laugh at myself for.

Work was pretty straightforward today. Discussed the aspects of ebonic with a co-worker, which was a super laugh-fest. Its amazing but we all knew certain words I thought was only SC related, not that Georiga is that far away. I cross a bridge I'm in SC.

The workstudies had plenty to do with the abundance of books that were comming in. Then it all tapered off, like a big silence. There are 5 days left in this quarter, and those kids are going to sock it to us. I know it. That's when all books come back. All fines must be paid. All chaos and drama.

I will survive.

Yeah I Write This Blog

Yesterday I hit a cool milestone. I double the amount of posts that I did last year. I am so pleased with amount of output I have done. It's been an excellent journey, as I have documents some of my Independence from my family, my higher higher education, and my own creative efforsts in comics, novel writing, and writing in general. I am very happy that I have made this progress, and feel I am moving in the right direction in my life.

Is there room for improvement? Oh yes, I need it everyday and I am willing to get things done as they need to be done. There is nothing like getting yourself into a new, and exciting level of your life. It is NOT easy. In fact it is sorough sometimes, I get ill thinking about it, but I keep moving. SometimesIfeel so overwhelmed, and sad, but I can't let that beat me. I can't fall under that pressure and I wont.

Blogging is a labor of love for me. I never know who's reading, and I don't mind. I do want to thank my regulars: Beatty, Berry (who encouraged me to keep blogging), Jackie, Owl, Nicole, Steve, Dorian, Martin, Trina, and all the silent people who never post. You guys so rock! makes me feel good. Most of all, writing gives me great pleasure. I hope one day to become a full-time writer of fiction and non-fiction. I am sure I am paying my dues as we speak.

My next goal, God willing, is for me to finish this year with a full 365 posts. If I average it, that's a post per day. I am like 10 posts away from that and this post makes 31 for this month.

Again, thanks to all who read, and to those who comment. I am grateful for your input.

---Stacy R. Haynes

My Evening: So Far, So Good

Well, most people are returning books. Lotsa books. My work studies are getting them shelved, and I am positive next week will be crushing to us all. In lieu of going to Starbucks, I took advantage of the break room’s instant chocolate. Its not coffee, but its good and hot. Pale replacement, but I digress.

I feel kind of blah, but I did remember to take my vitamins, as I hated that I didn’t do that before, and I feared that my nutrient level had fallen to an ugly level. I have needed to drink moiré water, as of late, as I have neglected that also. Not too much, but a bottle of water won’t kill me.

Brought lunch from home. The last of my baked beans is going tonight, along with rice and sausage. Well, I will see what’s on tomorrow’s agenda for food. I still have pasta in the freezer. I may thaw some out and eat it. I have some soup as well.

Artistly Complacent No Longer

I spoke with a friend about the projects we were working on, and I found myslelf wanting to work on subjects that were not on the beaten path. I said I wanted my thesis (so far away from here) to be edgier. I don't want to have a boring page full of technical and academic material, I want to move beyond what is safe and practical. I want to face my fears and take those chances. The thought alone of making my art stand on its own, and perhaps generating a buzz for its non-compliance pleases me. What can I say, to this day I have middle kid syndrome. It's evolved into creative looking to think and move outside the box. I have never been more proud of my ideas than I am now.

Changes

I so feel the need to change my clothes. Things to wear to work. Some styling suits, slacks, and a jacket to cap it off. I should get some hats too. I'd like to pull off a look that says I am stylish, mature, and a pro. Right now I scream "artist," which I love, but after a birthday and the desire to improve my life, trying some new looks would make feel better. Time will tell.

Blah Energy

I'm kinda bummed. No coffee. It'll be ok. My pep has slipped down a few notches, which I hate. Got two pages of the new story done, which feels like pure lameness. I hope I am not comming down with a cold. I think I will try to take a few good breaths, and hope my pep comes back to me. I need it. The palce is doing ok, buiit I don't want to look or feel drowsy. Vitamins may be needed to keep up my system.

Manic Mondays?

Another day has dawned. Had to call the office to make sure all the paperwork went through the fax. All I can say is the fax machine was giving me grief for some time now. I am more than pleased to know the material went through the machine, in the hands of the people who need them. I have been scanning and emailing material from one office to the next to insure that info has been carried proper.

Last night I did some boxing of materials to be sent to Atlanta. I've been doing a lot of shipping to ATL, and Lacoste of late. It can be time consuming and that often leads to a healthy distraction. Not to mention its finals time, and people are ready to go coo-coo for Coco-Puffs. I am getting all sorts of questions. The most famous one is "I've never looked up anything before." Some of them come in at midnight to find books. WTH? They don't need me, they need a miracle.

Noticed that on my way to work the sun is directly on my left side, and its getting hot. My great humor says I will have a half tan or look like Two-Face once I get to work. That light beams in like crazy and I can feel it too. I need to go eat something.

Self-Pix (Grown & Sexy)

I took this picture one moring while chilling. I liked the photo enough to send it to a friend, and she said I looked "grown and sexy." Talk about feeling good for the week! I decided to play with Photshop again, because what is life without making an image a little more fun and expressive. I tried a couple of different colors, but cool blue dominated the image. The other colors were not so good.

New Project Time!

Started writing a scfi-fi comedy series. I hope to get three more pages tonight. I have another sciffi story as well. That one is handwritten, and I hope to type out at least four pages of that as well. I love starting new projects. Its hard at first, when you stare at that blank Word document, but I get over that quick. I am excited because this means I am thinking more like a productive writer, and I want to work more and more . What can I say, its a passion.

Slow & Steady (Trying To Keep It There)

On my way to work, there are two lanes. Four cars in front of me was someone who decided that on the interstate thirty-five miles per hour was cool. It make the lane back up as we were reduced to a crawl. In my rear view mirror, I could see other rides moving into the next lane. It was a good mile before the slow driver decided to increase his speed. I went with the flow, because I could not get over. In hindsight I should have moved over a while ago if I wanted to keep at a good pace. Nonetheless, I wasn't late for work because I decided to go to leave my place a little earlier than usual.

At work things are the same. People really need help and often ask. Some are more reasonable than others. For example, I am here to accept retuned books and check them out to people. Others are more challenging. Calling, asking for things they can find, since they are on the website. Its so easy to not do your work. I dread touring the place tonight. Its so going to get trashed.

Stepping Up My Game

Was I slack today. I did enjoy my day more than I wrote, but I have a feeling that I will be doing a lot of writing this week, which is a great thing. Gotta love the workload. I admit, I never popped the DVD in the player, I was surfin the net, posting at boards, and reading posts. It was worth it.

Spoke with a lot of people today. Moms, brother, good friend. I was happy for that. I played "catch up" with everyone that I could. there are a couple more people I would have liked to call, but there was no need. I can't do it all, and there is no need to. I have other ways of communicating. Years ago, a friend suggested, while I was working having a hard time while working at Disney World, that when I looked at my last job (drama and outrageous boss), that god had prepared me for working with the craziness. Which is how life works. I didn't see it then, but I am grateful for it now.

Been feeling satisfied by writing. Something deep in my core that made me feel like I was making progress in life. I wasn't letting the day merely pass me by, but I'm getting mileage out of writing. I am so pleased. That's positive energy that I can't buy. I live for feeling good. maybe I need a feelgood play list.

The Script Is So Done

I finished all six issues, and I wrote out a proposal that includes a synopsis (under one page for all six chapters-not bad), and a full cast list. Woooo!!! Emailed them to my artist, so now she has the total package. I may rest my nerves some. Maybe get in a movie, take a deserved long, relaxing bath, and chill for the rest of the night.

Now I can work on my other projects without thinking of this one so much. I love completing projects. Well its 50% done. LOL My part or the creative phase is over. The next step is to get some character designs, and some pages of art ready to submit. That won't happen for a while, but I am ready for it. :-)

Afterwars I'm turning myself into a promotion machine. I have a website to desgin for the comic book, my own website to work on, not to mention my other stories to create.

Wake Up Mr. H.!

Woke up early again, and it was a struggle. It would have felt so much better if I slept until i felt like waking. This time to run the errand of getting the oil changed in my ride. Well, I loathe early mornings, but I didn't want to wait too late to get to the shop, lest I wait for hours, and I can't have that happening. I snapped a self-portrait in the lobby while waiting. I adjusted the colors in Photoshop, as it was too bright. I had that bleached out look for so early in the morning. Lostsa of good sunlight outside today.

Dude was in the lobby arguing with the mechanic. I must applaud the mechanic's calmness in the face of adversity. That's the major difference in customer service that makes or breaks your day. Some people will argue if you say the sky is blue. The argument so could have gone to another level. Glad it didn't. Drama in the morning is so not worthwhile.

Promised myself to do some serious writing, so I have to keep this promise. Of course, the idea machine that I am, I have much MORE ideas, so I'm getting those down too. Glad to be home and work on my projects. Also I feel good writing a blog entry longer than five sentences.

New Playlists

I'm in the mood to hear some sexy ballards. Some Prince, Vanessa, Williams, Patti Labelle. Let's see what I come up with. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Much Needed Rest

I went to sleep, and I have to say that was time well spent. What I was really thankful for is that I had the sense to close ALL the blinds in the house before I dosed off. It was bright outside when I went to dreamland, but pitch dark when I work. It was nice to not have to hustle, but to sleep and relax my mind and body.

I promise myself to get my oil changed sometime between now and Tuesday. it pays to hand the oil changes before that damn change oil light rears its ugly head. I am pleased that it works, but its not my favorite thing to see on my ride.

Laying Groundwork

I can never see it. I never know anything for sure about my future, but I do know all this time I have been laying the groundwork for my future. What does that mean? I know there are better experiences and better activities waiting for me. I just have to have faith.

Write Again

Well, while working on the issues of the six issues, I thought about starting the second series, well, I began writing another story. It was nice to focus on something that wasn't my main story. honestly, it made me feel good. Its all handwritten, so when I get the time (most likey Saturday), I promise to type at least four pages.

I have a new rule, and that is to at least do four pages of script per day. With two seperate stories that's eight stories, and if I tweak the first series that's twelve. Of course the novel is a paragraph at a time. I find it better to handwrite the ideas and then collect them into a story.

I slacked off from this post to jot down some descriptions. I am pleased that I have found some time to work on writing.

To be honest, I have been worrying about paying my bills this month, in a timely manner. its been bothering me so bad, its been distracting. Well, I made some concrete plans to pay them. this means totally holding off on any "me" spending. This only makes it more imperative that I keep writing and getting these stories out to publishers. At the very least it may get me a little more money along the way.

No more worries tonight. The plans are in the works, and I need to trust my own actions.

Pasta Anyone?

I still have a lot of pasta in the house. It tastes good, but I know I should have added more seasoning. It could have a more richer, dynamic taste. It doesn't matter. Some of it is heading towards the freezer.

I need to get a hair cut, and make myself look good. LOL I look a little rugged and rough. Can't be going out like that. I will soon change that, and feel good about it too.
A car wash would be nice for the car as well.

Breathe

I need to breathe, relax as I take in some air, the exhale, release all my tensions. Take in the peace and calmness. let my mind roam away from all of my woes, my works, my creations. I need to feel a level of deep satisfaction that can't be found, in the pages of my writing, or in a book. Nothing found on tv, no song, no word. Its all within me. Its up to me to bring it all out.

I Don't Feel Like Wrting (Yeah, Right)

I don't feel like writing today. I get that way, sometimes, but it doesn't matter. I'm writing anyways. Last night at work went fine. Students are getting desperate foir research material, but I am afraid that putting things off until the last moment means you're not going to get the material you want. Fortunately no one was out of hand. I did go to Stabucks, but ordered a hot chocolate instead of a latte. It hit the spot. I like that.

Irorned my clothes for today, and made a sandwich. I'm having leftover pasta for dinner tonight. I think I made too much pasta. I better put some in the freezer so I can eat later.
I'd rather it not be spoiled.

In My Galaxy

Worked on my proposal last night. I have to say I loved and debated this challenge for some time now. Its harder to write what the story is about than it is to write the story.
Fortunately, I decided to sit down and write and that is where I came up with the words, by making myself write. I have all the grammatical errors out of the script, and that is ready to go. I have to work on the cast list proper, and cleaning up the proposal. I am grateful for the opportunity to finish what I started.

Afterwards I have the novel to keep working on, and a new mini series I'd like start start typing (I hand wrote a starting chunk of it). I have a few other ideas I'd love to give a spin, but these two are the next brightest stars in my galaxy.

What I Want To Change

What I want to change most in my life is the level of control I have (vs what I think I have). I want to affect my environment vs being affected by my environment. I don't want to see myself and be confidant, bold, and an influence to others. I want to be empowered and maintain this power for the rest of my life.

Now, the questions to my self is, how will I empower myself to make these changes?
I want to take NO PRISONERS!

Faults and All

Copied this post from my own posting at YABS.

There are more questions than answers, but this is what I learned form the podcast earlier.

Accept where we are right now. Accept what is going on in our lives before we move forward.

Take responibility for ourselves. Once we take responsibility no one or no thing can be responsible for how we feel and react in life.

The next step is to accept yourself, faults and all. Whoo. Trying to wrap my head around it all. I didn't expect an easy answer, but I didn't expect to fry my brain either. Yep, I need to draw something, get my mind off of me. This sounds so out of body.

All I can say is that trying to start looking at meditation and enlightenement as a signifigant tool in life, and I find that I am very much an uncarved block of wood. I don't know if I can even go the distance. How does one Rise above it all? How do I accept myself on all levels to move onto the next step? I have more questions than answers. Well, there is some meditation I need to do, perhaps later on this night.

Where's Brunch?

I need to go to eat. I am so hungry. I'll eat after I finish the paragraph for the novel. One paragraph at a time. Its harder than it looks, but so worth it. Trying to mellow out more, to relax. I have a clear picture in my head. Let's see if I can put it on paper.

Tried to sleep late, but a new neighbor is here, and had the loud music going. In faact all I heard was lod music ALL WEEKEND. Why? I can take an hour, but from 4:30 PM to 10:58 PM? Torture. Called the apt manager, as I would in this instance. Drama.

Title Hunter

Writing a six part story has led me to tweaking the story and making all of the elements are in place, as I roll out for the proposal phase of writng. Lo, and behold I have one great flaw, story title. Intially, the titles (which were tentative) didn't fit the stories anymore. What did that mean, I had to come up with new ones. Yeah this all seems simple right.

Maybe if I had a month away from the material, I would feel better and more confidant about the names. I, however, found the perfect titles for each chapters. It took some doing, but I feel with the right title, the story has weight, and dimention. otherwise I would have to give them generic titles, like Chapter One, Chapter Two, etc.

I am glad to have gone through all of this. Now I must move onto the proposal. Cari and I bounced some ideas off of each other, and I am very happy with the ideas. So, its a good development day for all. :-)

Positivity

I copied this from a post I wrote at Trina's forum.

Ever notice, that while in the middle of a crisis, you can't see your way through, but you make it through anyways?

Its a different location, and a different situation, but I realized today that I have always toughed out whatever came my way. It put a spin on my worrying. Everything will work itself out.

Life has all these teachings it gives. I believe in love, God, and positive attitudes. I am seeing I need to put fourth extra efforts in establishing authority, responsibility, and maturity.

Work To Do

Printed out some of the ideas and paragraphs I have for stories. It was worth it, as I can now look them over. I need to get the rest of the proposal done, as I am a little tired of working on it. If I sit down tonight and hammer out the detains I can have all of it done. What I would like to do is give cari an official copy so she can read it over the break, and get back to me with the pros and con's of the story revisions, and any additional thoughts.

It will give me time to dive into another project. I have yet to read what i printed for the novel. Call me scary. last night I was all chicken. I do need to distract myself. maybe listening to a movie or watching tv will allow my mind to move away from my writing, and allow me a moment to have fresh eyes towards it, which is what I do want.

Reflections

I am trying to chill and enjoy the day. Was listening to a meditation podcast. I am trying to calm myself, and working my way through some stress. All the while maitianing my creativity. I am trying to keep myself from feeling down when I'm off. The podcast was cool, as it instructed listeners to accept themselves on the whole. Acceptance is the first step to transcending all woes.

Last night burned the midnight oil with trying to write a one page synopsis for all six chapters of the comic book. It doesn't fit one page. LOL That's what editing is for though. Got some feedback from my bro on the proposal direction. I love asking him questions, because he knows what he likes and doesn't and will say so. Big shot out to Martin for helping me. My home girl, and all around superwoman Jackie helped me out also. She knows what she likes and dislikes. Her assessments were more technical. I get mileage from that.

Typed out a page for my novelafter placing all my handwritten notes together. I don't know what to make of it yet. Maybe if I leave it alone until tomorrow, print it out and read it, and I will have more clarity. It makes me nervous and excited. Again, stepping into new territory. I will handwrite some more ideas down.

Writing Again

Started writing my novel again. I have a new rue in place; One page at a time. I may do one paragraph at a time. I am trying to lay my words down with some care and poetry. I am sure it will build into a full fledge story soon. I confess both nervousness and excitement for this process, but I am sure I will have something worthwhile to speak of.

Possessed

You cling so tight to me
You make my eyes water with dread,
As you stare at me
With your cold, cold unfulfilled eyes
You say nothing
I keep wondering
What do you really want?
What do you really need?
Am I to be bled dry?
So that you may be satisfied?
Little by little you take a part of my being,
Trying to get to my soul
You’ll take everything from me, until you have taken me all.
You will have taken over me.
Tell me, will you discard me if you are not filled?
Or will you rebuild me with your own designs in mind.
Build as you will, discard the less desired.
Does not my pain count?
When I no longer begin as me, but end with you, where are we?

I Don’t Do

I don’t do no bus
I walks my own damn path down the streets

Don’t go nowhere
Don’t want for no place
Neverumind that noplace feels like home

When it rains, it don’t matter
Water gets under my ratty umbrella just the same

I don’t do no skates-inline or out
If I want to roll on I do

Don’t do no good meal
I eat with my fingers
Nobody knife and forks a Snickers bar,
Or a can of string beans-no heat, no salt nor pepper

Don’t do no love
I only know her.
We don’t kiss
We don’t do no passion
We meet day and night on a dirty mattress
We don’t do no laundry
In a hole in the wall to crawl into.

Don’t do no uplifting
Just get my spot and sleep
We don’t got power,
We don’t got water.

Ain’t got no song to sing
No melody nor
Some sunshine for a guy who don’t do.

Don’t do no song
What’s to sing for?
Song don’t have no feelings
I go numb, body head and soul numb
Dumb to the world.

The Natives Are Restless...

The natives are restless as the jungle stirred with chaos. Leaves rustled in the sparce wind as they circled a fire dancing and singing songs of carefree fancy.

The cowardly lion has growled and whimpered as he choked on his own spit along the way to clumsily rattle the roost.

How does one take the jungle serious, when the predators have no claw or tooth to slash and bite? No ferocious eyes, nor snarl and speed on sinews so taut and raw.

Prey neither stands still in fear, or run for safety. The night is filled with song and joy.

Don't Forget To Add Salt and Pepper

I was remembering a time when I was cooking and my Mom came by and said, "don't foget to add some salt and pepper." I found that odd, since she knows that's what I do. Then one day her sister, my aunt, came by when I was making pork chops and said, "don't foget to season the meat." OK, once was enough, but when people start thinking you don't have the sense to season for taste then there's a problem. I told them both that the comments were well-intention, but insulting. They say they don't mean anything by it, but I was like naw, don't go there. If their Mom said that to them both would be insulted. That is a true fact. Granny can be crititcal of her kids when she was ready.

Called my mom the other day and I told her I was cooking, and she asked me if I seasoned my food, added onions, etc. I'm like Mom please. I cooked at home, for you you know I love my seasonings. She couldn't hep herself. Parents. You gotta love them even when they mean well, but don't trust your taste buds. LOL

Wake Up Mr. H.

Daylight savings time is messing with my internal clock. I got up early today, the moment I sat up and started thinking on what next to do, I got sleepy. I think this means I need to relax some, and I will be fine. Need to make me something to eat. I'm thining bacon and eggs. I'll relax then fix a meal. I need a glass of water too.

Chapter Six Is Done!

The revisons are at an end. the second drafts for all my chapters are completed. I am so glad to be done at this moment. Now I have to leave the story alone for a while, work on other aspects of my project (the proposal, the full cast list, etc.). I want to check the story proper for grammatical erros, but that will come a litlle later. its time to get my mind off this project and onto other stories.

I am happy I compelted what I started. I have abandoned projects and themes in the past, but I kept this ship alfloat, and rode it through. I am very confidant in the material, and I will glady submit this material to publishers. Cari is going to be so busy with drawing. I am very excited and ready to see her interpretaions of the characters and scenes.

Risk Taking

I wonder sometimes what would happen if I broke out of my comfort zone. That is to say try new clothes, new songs, new stories to read, and ways I approach topics. I broke my posting limits for blogging, and am heading towards a more productive phase. I'm taking it as an evolution in my life.

I want to see myself looking like a pro with projects to push and stories to seel and tell. I want to see me back in visual art. I am so retriving my drawing board, and pastels. I need to make a living past the life I have have. I need to see a future where I am surrounded by high success, and not crums. Ok I have moved into the working class, and now feel a need to exceed those bonds.

I want to seem my subjects expand, and me not treat my writing and art so damn fragile. I want to be confidant in the moves I make, and less worried about appearences. Sometimes you have to let go of everything, and today is that moment where I look in the mirro and say "I'm better than this shit." I've done it, worked it, paid some dues, and need to build a better man from the ground up.

I need to take some chances on myself. Reinforce my independence with passion for living and creating. Otherwise, in another year I will posting wishing I had zigged, zagged, and did the straight and narrow.