Home For My Holidays

Well, well, what I have I got myself into? As I cook for this Christmas, it's the first one not spent with my family, so it's of a mixed feeling.  I LOVE spending time with my family, which is far more valuable than spending money. I suppose this year is the long distance thing. There's always room for trying new things, right? Long distance isn't unbearable, or terrible. I still love my family.

I have to get some things done today, BUT I realized as I cooked for myself yesterday that I was too busy.  It was a lot of work to get things done, and I didn't write much.  However, I really liked cooking.  It was a different. I intended to write on the side, but that couldn't happen between the meals.  I loves a good meal.

Well all I have to do today is make some stuffing. It's a box recipe, and I wish I bought the baking kind, but I didn't so I guess I foot work with what I got. I also need to make myself some breakfast. Breakfast is tasty, and I feel the need to have some energy going on.  It's that or I eat a cupcake as a piss poor starter meal and a slice of pecan pie. Real horrible breakfast.

Today's current DVD is The Dark Knight. Why?  Hadn't looked at it in a while. It's also better than what I saw on TV earlier, which was nothing of interest.  It's either this or shut the TV off completely. A Brother has choices.

Merry Christmas, all!

Friday

It's time to enjoy that it's Friday, and while maximum loafing shall be held off till later I'm happy that it is near. So I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. However I'm gonna take the day and kick it in the butt. I need for this day to be a bit mellow, so I'm a be passionate about it being so.

Sleep and Writing

I would like to say that I'm editing a short story after getting some feedback from my writing peeps. I got the feedback, made some notes, but my mind is elsewhere. It happens sometimes and quite frankly it means to get more sleep.

Perhaps later on I should do something else. Play video games, read a book, watch a movie or two. I'm simply not in a place to be creative. I'm stubborn today. I guess that's cool that I am putting forth the drive. I I was being lazy I think I'd be wasting my day.

Sleep has been off this week. Sometimes I'm acing it, other times I've stayed up too late and I can't get enough sleep. Also my congestion and sinuses are acting out simultaneously. I have to deal with the crappy congestion, which intake meds for, the. The sinus pressure pops up today which tells me that I need a second med.

Regardless of this meh-ness, I'm positive things shall work out. Good luck and blessings to all.

Today

Naturally since I needed to get up and get a haircut, I didn't want to get up.  Fixed that by getting up, and doing what needed to be done, and getting that haircut.  Now I'm tired, and may take a seat in the comfy chair and chillax or doze off cause quite frankly, I'm not interested in doing much. I could stand to clean up some more, but that ain't gonna happen either.

In a bit of a parody/satire mode of creativity that comes and goes. I feel like making mischief, which I wonder if it's related to my tiredness. Perhaps it is but I just wanna do stupid things that don't hurt nobody, unless you hate parodies and satire then it may hurt you. I think I'll live with that. I must keep up with my muse, even when it's condescending, scornful, sarcastic, flippant, and outright silly.  Odds are it's none of those things. I just think it is.

As I type this I'm contemplating turning the TV on, but I really don't want it on, yet every veg out state needs it on as I get lost in something. I need coffee.    

Slacking Off

I need more posts here.  Late is the hour and I'm tapped out of thoughts at the moment.  Tomorrow involves a haircut, provided I wake up on time, and do what must be done. Not feeling the TV being on, and this new deodorant smells good, and like a dunce I'm like who smells so fresh. Sometimes I'm the hot mess I never start out to be within the course of the night.  Here's to a new topic.

Blah

Hanging out and trying to get back into a creative outlook. Didn't do much today in regards to reading or writing, so that's a big boooo to that. The day is still ongoing so I won't discount any chance of a second wind.

Is sure music will improve my outlook so I put on a playlist. Never mind I feel tired after devouring more turkey. I may have inadvertently cooked my own goose trying to get myself together and filling my belly.

Mr Mopey

I'm feeling mopey and it feels good. I so, however need to get something to eat, chillax and try to keep the mopey on the positive level.

National Novel Writing Month

Well five days into November and I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. It's quite the challenge to write daily, and leave the material be, and keep moving onto the next parts.  I can tell you it's very disjointed, and I feel like it's a mess.  it reminds me of when I drew or painted something how it looks so far away and incomplete.  Finally it takes form after hours of work. In this case after a month what I'll have a HUGE mess, and  will have to leave it be to cool down and revise afterwards.  But what I will have is a novel.

It may mean nothing at all, it may never go anywhere, but it will have one draft done. It's got a science fiction and fantasy vibe, but it also has this surreal and psychedelic aspects. I kinda think it shall have some horror aspects, but its early in the game.

Today

Today is about a haircut. I'm happy to get out out of bed and get things done today. I'm gonna be writing something later on today. Revisions are both a challenge and a joy.

Been neglecting this blog a lot so I'm happy to get a moment to write a few lines now. I'm tempted to go back to bed when I get home, but that ain't happening.

Intimidation Factors

Working on revising a short story, and nothing gets to me like the anxiety of re-approaching written material.  So I'm looking at a hand edited piece of work with fear and nervousness.  Needless to say the fear is unwarranted, and I know I'm going to tackle the material regardless. Still there was this moment where I looked at the story and felt afraid to touch it.

No this story ain't too precious to revise.  I just found myself having a fear that should go away soon, because one of my goals is to get this story published. Also have a second  story to get to the writing group for critique and get that feedback. Sometimes this is just a phase and phobia that dissipates into the ether.  If I have to have a stare down with the material I will.

I wanna look back and laugh at myself for this moment. It shall pass. It's telling me to go preoccupy my mind with other things till I get myself off the anxiety.  A little gaming perhaps.  A trip to the D laugh at myself for this?

Getting Up and Doing Things

Didn't really want to get up today, but I needed to do some laundry.  I feel like I needed to get this done and then I can relax a bit.  Doing laundry early means I don't have to deal with it at the last moment and possibly throwing myself all over the place to get crap done.  Didn't even wait for the alarm to go off this morning. Damn. Then again I was in bed my midnight. How I hate beating myself to the punch.  Who you supposed to hating on?

Hating on oneself seems a bit futile. It's not like you can punch yourself in the face. Well you could, but that's stupid. Could you press charges against yourself?  I bet that'd be something. Take that to trial.  You'd have to simultaneously defend and prosecute yourself. Ah duality. It keeps the world in conflict, and the people with rage against themselves. Sorta like Darth Vader, but zero force powers, lightsaber, or Deathstar.  If you can't have the cool stuff that comes  with being Vader, why bother with the hate? Let go of your anger.      

My lesson for this early morning. Nothing beats freshly washed and dried pairs of undies. Make them so fresh, you have to slap them before you put them on for being so damn cheeky. Also smiling helps me out a whole lot.  Not forced smiles. Being able to laugh and help others laugh makes me feel good.  Much love and blessings to all, and I pray things go smoothly for y'all.

Dreams and Goals

Now's the time to think about how I need to improve myself as a person and as a working man.  I really need to buckle down and get a lot done with the precious time I do have free of any upsets. It does require me to dig deeper and getting to meet myself at happiness, satisfaction, and true security.  I don't feel like I'm anywhere there yet, but I'm off to a start, which is better than nothing at all.  So I need to keep writing and I need to stay focused. I have a few projects lined up and I NEED to see those continually worked upon.

Unemployment Sucks Part 50: Closure

My Unemployment Sucks series comes to an end today.  Not because I'm 100% over all the havoc unemployment wrought into my life, but having a job means looking at things different, and perhaps starting a new series to reflect my progress. I shared a lot on my writing blog, Several Deadly CINEs on how my creativity went all wonky, and how a shift in perspective and experiences brings me to a new chapter. New chapters in life mean new ideas, stories, and the potential for new possibilities.

Life's a process, not so smooth of and endeavor to get back to a healthy balance, but that started when I didn't want to give up on working or living.  Enduring is more than difficult and it took twelve months to get something going. I'm taking this moment to thank God, family, and friends for their support and belief in me as well as the reminders to get back up and get things done.  

So I got to end my series on an even number.  Don't know if that's OCD of me or not.  It does mean I got to settle some things on my terms, which I feel fantastic about. I went through a lot of changes, but at best I know that not a year in exile could take away from me the things that mattered the most. The best stayed with me.  The worse fell by the wayside and went away.

Unemployment Sucks Part 49: Part of the Game

NOTE: Even though I'm employed now, there are a lot of loose ends to settle, and I'm hoping to wrap this series up at post 50.  Still so many things to do and on day four of employment. So let's take this from today:

I informed the peeps in the unemployment office that I did find employment, and gave info last week as per their instructions. So on last Saturday I got a letter in the mail that needed clarifying in regards to my unemployment benefits.

This meant getting up early today and attending to meeting the unemployment peeps. I am not a morning person and feel a need for a nap. I gonna need to stay awake. May need coffee this morning. I'd like to think I'd make it without the coffee, as it does mess with my congestion but this needs some, and I'll be taking some precautions and staying alert for congestion flare ups (as of now no flare ups - so it didn't hurt me - still gonna drink water behind it to keep the flare up from showing up late).  

As i started writing this post, I got a call to see the rep, and with a few clicks of her mouse, the issue was resolved. I was like wow, that's amazing. I literally got out if bed, didn't sleep late cause I wanted this taken care of, and it took less than a minute. This means I spent more time in my car than I did in the office, and it reminds me that I'm gonna sleep late tomorrow. Hopefully NO ONE needs me up early. If they do, I will answer the call, but I'm due a late morning and I intend to collect.

Unemployment Sucks Part 48: And Then I Got A Job

Never giving up, having support, and simply enduring paid off for me.  I have a job.  For me this is the start of a positive direction, and gets better as time progresses.  Since this is something good for me, I'd like to dwell on this goodness, and thank God and everyone who supported me with will wishes, encouragement, and all around positive energy.  So on a bittersweet note I put the Unemployment Sucks series to rest.  Such a good series as I had to make a gang of adjustments.  I'm not at 100%, but better to get underway with progress, than to be in limbo.

Here's to enduring, surviving, good support from family and friends, and keeping the faith. Now I get to do my happy dancing!!!

Unemployment Sucks Part 47: The Interview

I had an interview a week ago, and so far I'm waiting for a response as to yay or nay.  Ah the pins and needles part of the process.  Job hunting has it's peaks and valleys.  I'm simply pleased the ball's rolling.  As I said before trying to live off unemployment is too rough of an experience.  It's not enough, and I'm better off with a decent job that pays the bills. Otherwise I'd cry, cry, and cry. Well I'm excited, to say the least. Hey if there's a chance of getting to my goals, there there's hope of success.

Yeah, kinda mushy in sentiment, but that's what I need.  Some good ole mushy feelings and goodness to spread around. Thankfully a friend gave me some good mojo and people expressed a lot of well wishes, so for better or worse, at least I have people that want me to succeed, and have good wishes for me.  So as I love the well wishes, part of the reason i'm being looked at is at the very least is my skills being in-demand. I'm praying for success.

Writing's been a challenge this week.  not due to the interviews, but my mind was more than distracted. I was supposed to publish this post sooner, and forgot it was in draft.  Now I'm cleaning it up and making it look a bit more full.  Today I'm going to look over some jotted notes on a concept.  I hate when I go to bed and have ideas.  I typed it all into my notes application.  it seems inspiration hit me.  Then sleep hit me.  At the very least I have part of today's post completed.  Adding to it on;y makes the pot more savory.

Unemployment Sucks Part 46: Visiting The DMV

It's about that time I renew my driver's license, and I put that off for so long.  yesterday I went to the DMV to make this happen.  I knew it took verification, BUT didn't have it all together.  I needed my birth certificate, SS card, the old license, and two proofs of residency, which was a utility billy and/or my voter's registration paperwork. I only had one utility bill.  Fortunately for me the voter's registration was like on the back of the building.  I had to go to there and verify my info, then return to the DMV.  All done.

Need to clean the apartment.  it looks a mess, as it always does.  I want to at least make the living room look presentable. I'm like meh at the moment. I know better.  Sometimes I feel like I'm 22 and in college again. Like it's cool to be indifferent to all this mess.  Let's start on my dining room table, and get that into shape, then work my way around some other staff, like my printer area.  Mess, mess, mess.

Slacked off on the writing again, but sometimes I feel like not writing.  Still hoping for a job, and while yesterday provided a lot of good things, including a friend's good wishes so it's time to make stuff happen.

Is today the first day of fall?  Hadn't looked outside but I'd love to see the summer weather cool down.

Unemployment Sucks Part 45: Like a Boomerang

Looking at improving my day and I realize I'm not writing well. For me this is odd. Did I drink enough water, or eat enough?  All I'm getting is a few sentences out of me, which may mean I need to stop writing and chillax. Promised myself to limit my social media interaction (meaning Facebook, which I live on) in order to get things done, and I'm finding when I turn on the computer all I want to do is goof off and not write. It's far more easier to goof off than write. Writing requires thought and my poor mind doesn't want to work.

I do know that I'm writing this "starter" paragraph and allowing it to cool off, then coming back to add and revise. Perhaps that's the writing lesson for today, to write something briskly, and return like a boomerang. Since I prayed about getting my writing in order, among other things, I feel a need to write more than what I have.  I'm feeling there's nothing to say, and waiting for inspiration, however the reason I started this series on my blog was my unemployment. Is that not an ongoing topic?

Well today was like several of the others. I still have my life and health. My finances could use some level up powers or Viagra to get it up. I'm still the man 'cause in spite of going all emo, I'm getting stuff written. I made some personal goals today I want to jump on. That means pushing more story out and believing that I can get this damn post to my typical standards. It's not like potential and opportunities went completely away.

A little known fact is that I revise several of my posts before and after I publish them. It means I need to get better at writing.  BTW I have all these ideas I told myself to jot down, and went off goofing on Facebook. In that case I sabotaged myself. That's not what I need right now. I need to get myself together once more. I got a lot of work to do and only I can get it done. No time to be scared of what could be, cause what have now isn't much.

Unemployment Sucks Part 44: Bust Dat Move

Been laying low from writing, like I can't do it, which is a HUGE mistake.  If there's anything that I do well, it's creativity, and I've put off my creativity for some time now.  Been feeling low, but now that reason's entered my mind again, it's time to handle my biz and make do with what I have in front of me, and getting over myself (again).  I need to get my head back in the game, cause the truth is only I can do what needs to be done for my welfare. If it means tracking down job leads, writing, hell, singing telegrams, I gotta do what needs to be done to make living worth a damn.

Job hunting did yield some fruit from the vine, but I'm keeping this under my hat until it pans out completely.  You will hear me sing if it works out.  I'm a leave it be because it's something that's out of my hands. I trust in my skills and persona, and that's all one can do.  No more doubt on this part.  Getting things done is the priority.

Writing hasn't been a pain, it's just that I've been real lazy and loving the laziness. I could and should do better for myself.  Granted I felt a bit low on some days, and I do take pen to paper, but I know I need to do more.  I seem to be distracting myself with goofing off, gaming, and all the freedoms I didn't have.  Well this can't keep going.  Where does the creativity go if I don't use it? It seems like a waste of energy, so I best get myself in gear.

I have to be honest, this page was two paragraphs, and I felt like it wasn't good enough to post.  It felt weak, like I wasn't putting effort into the mix.  That's changed, and now I feel better about writing this without wondering what the hell was wrong with me.  Sometimes inspiration, procrastination, and creativity get wrapped up into one for me.  Need to keep writing.  I'm a mess.

Unemployment Sucks Part 43: My Mean Seasons

NOTE: I wrote this post a few days ago, got upset, and feared even publishing it. I suppose truth hurts, and I'm not perfect.  Sometimes my days don't go well.  It's true I never give up,yet at the same time there needs to be some time where I acknowledge the pain of being unemployed.

One of the reasons I didn't want to post it is cause truth hurts, and I needed to to take a look at myself.  I also feared the truth, which there was no need to.  Also after saying it I wondered if I should put this out not because it does make me feel vulnerable and week.  I thought about it.  This is where unemployment brought me, and I did say it sucks, so why am I hiding it now?  This is my reality.

***
Let's be honest, I'm not happy right now.  I'm trying to get myself together, and after nearly a year of application submitting, seminars, and resume building, I still don't have a job. My interviews have been sparse and I do mean sparse. No I'm not giving up on finding a job, but damn this is a struggle.  When I leave my home I'm reminded I don't have anything, and of course I'm upset.  I haven't been without a job like this since I started being gainfully employed many, many years ago.  Now I'm stressed, tired, frustrated, and upset.  I've likely made myself annoying to others about talking about being unemployed and how I became unemployed. My unhappiness became others unhappiness. That's not what I want for my life, nor is that what I want to give to others.  

Discussing unemployment does wear down on me, but at the same time how can I not discuss it? Quite frankly unless my status changes I'm going to have nothing.

NOTE 2: After I wrote this I noticed a change in me.  Perhaps my frustration went out with this post. I simply don't know.  I do know that I wanted to watch more movies, go outside and enjoy a causal drive. I wrote more fiction after months of feeling like my negative emotions ruled my thoughts. I was being unfair to myself, and in that unfair to all around me.  Also I don't want my life to feel like a sandpit.  Things aren't working the way I planned, but if my energy shifted from negative to positive only good things can follow.

It's going to take some work to get myself completely away from the negative mode, but I'm more than willing to start looking for the doors that opened to me as the old ones closed.  It's been some mean seasons, but into my life change must come.  How I handle change is up to me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 42: Labor Day Weekend

Since I did one blog post already, it's time for a second, and possible third. It's a Labor Day weekend and I'm laying low. Quite frankly with little money at my disposal why not lay low? Why not prepare a simple meal for dinner and enjoy the peace and quiet of this time? I'm gonna make some spaghetti. As luck would have it I have Italian sausage in my freezer to thaw out and use.

Not having money sucks, but I'm focusing on the positive. For example I was inspired with a story and worked on the first draft last night. It was a step in a positive direction to free my mind of negativity and otherwise depressing thoughts. Loving the idea that inspiration takes me places higher than where I am now. The mood lift and inspiration is a blessing and a good thing to keep me moving.

Hadn't been outside but it looks hot. The sun's shining like it wants to be seen and heat us up. For me that means stay indoors and write stuff. I'm obeying my instinct. I do have some writing to develop and I can't do that outside. I can sweat and say, "I should be inside" if I go play outdoors. I got plenty to keep me busy and hopefully produce some results.

Unemployment Sucks Part 41: Hello Again Ugh

Y'all ever had that "ugh" feeling.  That feeling like you don't want to be bothered with anything cause it all feels like "ugh." It doesn't make sense, it annoys me, it makes me want to get away from it, and I don't even have the energy to move past ugh.  Ugh can be that person who doesn't leave once the movie's over, and really wants to loaf about, on your BACK. Ugh would lay on my head, if I could support it that way.  Ugh you bastard.  Get away from me.

Well, today I rolled out of bed, and I felt aimless. Hello ugh. I'm expecting a few calls and need to make some soon, as well as job hunt.  In other words, It's time to pull myself together. I need to finish the bottle of water on the table next to me.  I got a little tea happy yesterday, so I need more water.  I had a few sips here and there, but I need to complete the whole thing for starters.  I'll refill the bottle and drink more.

The weather outside has that semi-sunny feel, so I'm guessing rain's in the future as it was yesterday.  Needless to say it's about to get gloomy, and that can ruin a good day.  I'm all about not getting gloomy, and yes, between pauses I drank more water. I suspect my mood will lift once I get some more writing and reading done.  I need to have my mind filled.  Also need to relax. Enjoy this day.  Allow myself not to be overwhelmed by outside influences.  Must feed brain with knowledge.  

This may be the perfect day to write and be happy about writing.  I'm not doing much of anything else.  My mind needs stimulation, so perhaps I'll work on my screenplay.  if not I'll be sitting here sipping on a bottle of water cause I know better, and I shouldn't let that Ugh feeling beat up on me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 40: My New Sedentary Lifestyle

About to have my tea and chillax a bit, but I'm leaving the TV off for a short while.  Why?  Between job hunting and writing i find myself watching more and more television and not in a good way.  I've been watching so-called reality shows, talk shows, and all sorts of news programs.  While I like informative shows, sometimes that shit is as negative as all get out. I've placed in my psyche unnecessary drama that seems harmless until my brain processes that I've wasted my time. That's not what I'm about.

Yesterday was the final straw when trying to watch Dr. Phill I got so irritated with the couples struggling to stay together and be apart at the same time.  I was under the impression that they LOVE the drama and tension.  It irked me, and I eventually turned the TV, BUT nothing like that should be working my nerves. I'm job hunting.  I don't have a job!!!  Somehow I'm engrossed in shit like this and while I love a good distraction, I feel like I put my time energy in the wrong shows.

If I want a drama I have a LOT of good choices to pick from.  There's more to do with my time.  Even when I'm gaming and sitting, I have more satisfaction from the events.  I need to keep this aspect of my defenses active.  When I worked.  None of the negative got in. I didn't have time for it. I need to make sure I keep it going in that direction.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 39: Job Searchin'

For those not in the know, to keep receiving unemployment benefits, it requires me to constantly look for and report jobs, which I do.  Today is no different and I need to make sure I scout some leads down and see what I can do in order to get myself productive. While it seems easy and anyone can scout a job (which they can), getting an interview's proven to be tricky as well. It's time to reexamine the resume and make sure it says what it needs to in order to get my foot in the door.

I'm hoping to do at least one film essay per week to keep myself going in regards to my cinema blog.  last week was the Dark Knight Returns.  This week was updating my Catwoman post.  I have a few more in draft, and some others I'm going to write something on, or started notes on.  The goal is to push myself back into writing things I love to do do. This should keep me busy and happy.  Let's keep things moving.

It's been a trying week as I put some things together, and some things seem to fall apart.  Thank God for small favors as things simply fell into place today.  All it took was a little patience, and not reacting first and thinking it over. Crisis averted and then things work better. It means relax.  For the record I've been feeling the need to write again, and that's aways good.  Got some essays I have yet to complete, BUT they're a page long, which is more than enough for a blog post.  let's see where they lead.  Both of them I feel a need to hold onto for revisions.  I'm positive I'll have a better post for both soon.      

Unemployment Sucks Part 38: Sundaze

It's a Sunday and I told myself to get out of the house for a drive, and I did that.  Of course while on the road I had all sorts of thoughts I couldn't write down because I was driving, but I'd have to remember them for when I returned home. Decided that I'm not having my Sunday latte mainly cause I drank too much sweet tea yesterday and that would lead to a caffeine OD. The detox part is murder.  I need to drink a couple more bottles of water just the same. Love my drinks, but moderation balances me out.  Did I mention it was hot outside.  Savannah is all sorts of muggy and it always feels like it's flattening me as well as making me sweat.  

I got new tires last year, but I'm a bit worried about having to replace them, cause if i do, where's that money coming from?  I don't have it.  I just overspent for repairs to the battery and alternator that were quite ugly to my bank account.  It hurts to think about this, but one can't turn away.  Bills need to be paid, and thinking of my future is more than important.  You never know with cars and repairs today doesn't prevent another issue.  Will keep it in mind, and allow it to pass.  No need to panic for something that hasn't happened.

Needed to be more creative yesterday, but I found myself with a headache and neck pain.  It's been part stress and part bad sleeping.  At least today there was no neck pains, which made it perfect for driving.  it's that nasty ache that won't go away and I feel like it takes forever for medicine to kick in.  Also congestion please go away.  I need to drink more water for sure at this point.  I hate that feeling in the back of my throat.  When I get insurance again I'm having this check out cause there MUST be a way to be done with this.  It's time to keep on writing, so much luck, love, and success to those striving.

Unemployment Sucks part 37: Thinking Commercial

It's been nearly a year since I was unjustly terminated from my job, and job hunting's been moving up and down a scale that doesn't seem to fare better.  I write, and I write some more. That too has gone up and down.  Been submitting applications and my resume left and right to no avail.  it seems I'm overqualified for some jobs, and under-qualified for others. It's taking it's sweet time, but I eat, sleep, and breath this wrongful termination, and it's affected every aspect of my life.

This is not to say my life's over.  If so I may as well stop blogging now and wait for the end to happen.  Why face a setback (not defeat) by giving up. I choose to endure, suffer, sacrifice, and withstand all the negativity.  Why?  Because I know things happen for a reason.  There's a time and place for things. I also know in the end I will succeed and be in a better place than I was and am now.  I worked hard to succeed.  I built my success through my hard work and efforts.  They've brought me to this point, and deep within my soul I know this is not where the story ends.  God willing, as my soul speaks, I will find a better path than I followed.

Been laying low (not blogging) as I contemplate my next moves on how to survive.  Of course the bills are due, and the crunch of it all is ever present and dangeously looming over me.  Noticed the smell of bread's been nauseating me.  That's not a good sign, but it didn't make me sick when I had a slice of it.  May need to to start keeping a food diary so I can see what works or not.  it may simply be this brand of bread.  Makes note to self to switch brands in the future when I run short.

Creative wise I've been stressed, BUT I got the feeling I'm back on the right track, which doesn't mean resting.  It means putting more efforts into actions, like keeping up with my blog, and writing more and more.  It also means that in spite of all woes I must never give in or up.  If I have to write a post and leave it in draft mode cause it's too short, then that's what I have to do.  Even bum days should produce five sentences.  Revising is my friend.

Thinking commercial refers to how and what I write. I tend to write stories that appeal to my inner silliness, which may or may not appeal to an audience. Part of making successful (selling) stories is how others respond to the material.  Another part of my writing is my sense of humor.  Humor usually comes off well (people laugh).  Needless to say IF I can make people laugh perhaps I AM thinking of my audience since I love to hear laughter and to laugh.

So I think what's next is to make sure I at least will laugh at my own concepts, and perhaps test them on a few close friends. I'm such a creative goofball so it won't hurt to go for laughs. Not that all my ideas are strictly humorous.  I'm not always goofy, and in fact, can be downright serious and no-nonsense when it comes to my outlook on life.  Like I mentioned many times before, giving up on life and my goals/dreams is not an option.

Unemployment Sucks Part 36: Gotta Bust Dat Move

Today was all about feeling the woes of being unemployed. Let me say that this past year does have a very nasty, depressive side to it. Sorta like a hairy ass that looks like shag carpet, and unwashed for a month.  Can you imagine the funk?  Good cause that's how I felt.  A lot of changes came while I was unemployed.  I lost my aunt, my grandmom became ill, and things seemed to come to a big, screeching halt. I say seemed, cause the world kept on moving along with me.  

So let's reflect on my morning. I got up feeling empty and ready for another round of searching for jobs, and tasting that agony of unjust termination.  Part of me wanted to sit back and just hang out on the couch with that funk. The funk wraps me like a big, coat made of nasty ass hair. Funk owned me and colored my world.  This is not how I'm supposed to live, and damn it, that's not gonna happen!

A brother needed to be over the woes as they clouded and crowded my brains and turned my creative output to nil. I told myself to get over that, and here I am writing a new blog post.  That Debbie Downer mood I was going through.  I had to send that bitch packing.  Yes it sounds simple to say, "get over it." Who else could say that to me and their opinion matters more? Who's gonna love me more than me? If I don't start with me, well then I'm lost, and deserve to go sit back on the couch with my pity party.

Today ain't perfect, but I'm putting my foot down against me allowing myself to sulk.  If I gotta put my emotions to the side and get shit done, or smooth them fuckers out, then that's what's gonna happen.  Maybe I can channel them emotions into something good. I know I'm not sulking or wearing the asshair coat anymore.  Maybe there's a lesson here about smoothing out my emotions, my thoughts, my soul.  Things shall work out because the world never stopped moving and I will be free of all things that try to constrain me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 35: Film and Fun

Im supposed to be sleeping, but I decided that since my mind was calm, it might be a good time to start a new blog post. Posting is tricky. Sometimes the flow of thoughts come easy. Other times my writing gets drier than a sponge in the hot summer Carolina sun. Speaking of dry, my job searching got a bit on the empty side this week. Likewise my creativity followed suit. I hate being unemployed. The structure helped me balance out things.

Took a few days off from posting as my brain felt congested with being cooped up. At the suggestion of a family member I went to the movie theater. I saw The Dark Knight Rises. I'll post more on that via Several Deadly Cines soon. A cool aspect of this trip, besides getting me outta the place was getting a free movie pass when the projector malfunctioned. I got to see the movie in another AND I can see a new film for free.  Talk about good timing. Just the thing to lift my spirits more.

Another piece of cool news was a response from a potential employer.  I'm still in the running for a new position. That interview's around the corner, y'all.  If not back to the drawing board.

Need to start wearing my new shoes, as with the old ones, the ball of my foot aches. It's like a cramp before it intensifies. I suppose it's like the pre-pain moment. Ow, ow, ow! Im hoping me being off my feet will help my feet relax and enjoy not having pressure on them.

When I woke up today I'm reminded that I'm out of allergy meds. I'm so good and mad about it, but replacing them is a top priority. Maybe I'll do more cleaning today.  Can't hurt to get rid of some clutter.

Unemployment Sucks Part 34: Job Hunting and Other Fine Goods

Job hunting is a damn chore.  It' feels like one should get paid to do it.  Spend the better part of last week going through several places in search of a good job. Last week was fruitless, but worth the effort of finding out it was fruitless.  After all, who gives up on living, or looking like they living? it simply means that I must keep things moving forward.

Still contemplating how to turn a lot of my negatives into positives so that I can put some focus on positive things.  Made some concessions in my bills. What to keep as an ongoing expense, and what I can reduce.  Certainly I need to eat, but found myself shopping with a conservative eye and wallet.   I hate it when steak's off the menu.  I'll have to get back to steak cause I want it. Have to be practical too.  A yummy steak is worth waiting on.  Can't you see that delicious ribeye marinated overnight, then cooked to perfection? That reminds me, I need to buy a new frying pan, when the time comes.  So a new pan and steak shall one day come to me.  I have faith it will.

Unemployment Sucks Part 33: Creativity and Chores

Some more job hunting is on the agenda today, and I forgot to make my morning tea. That irks me only slightly.  I've been at this laptop for a hot moment, and I kinda need a break.  Also I was playing on Facebook a little. Peeps and myself been posting images and I loved the meme about politics and how posting political opinion doesn't change people's minds. Sometimes it simply doesn't, and that all good. I, however will continue to post my cat "politics" cause LOLcats rule everything.

Been writing some stuff down, and working on stories and cinema posts, as well as some laundry, so I guess I'm being productive.  Being very indecisive about writing some more than I was, but perhaps I'm doing too much at one time.  Still, gotta get lost in the material or not do it at all.

Dusted off an old short story to properly format it, and found myself elaborating on the text.  I liked that I did more to push the ideas forward.  I got to a point where I was getting "fussy" so I made a pause in writing.  I hate when I take myself away from the story.  This story so needs a "FTS" (fuck this story) mood so I will write whatever.  All I can say is it was supposed to be a goofy story, and got heavy.  Why do I put myself through the torture of creativity, and  it always "zings" me when I don't want to? I don't think I could give up on writing even if I had to work at a crawl.    Well, fuck this story.  I'm a break it down like an old school love song.  The part where the vocalist really sells thew pain and vocal skills.

Unemployment Sucks Part 32: Get Your Life Back

Yo, fuck this post.  It was supposed to be deep and meaningful, but sometimes I just have to go for what I think is shallow (which comes off as deep and meaningful). In this instance I'm a just say my piece and give back the mic.  There are no magic words or tricks to this puzzle.  One has to live through experiences and hopefully process some meanings or reasons behind them.

I was gonna talk about backstabbing, but fuck that too. I've been stabbed in the back, face, neck, legs, all over.  Somehow that HASN'T stopped me from breathing. Take a note: Sometimes things hurt like hell, but many of us get all smart about these events and live. It's how I choose to resolve things that makes the difference.  Who gives a shit if other people have two or more faces and heads?  That's on them. What I do know is that I have to keep things moving forward and without wondering about what could be.  As always I'm ready to say to myself "get over yourself," cause between me and my ego there's no room left for my glorious ID.  If people can't stay real or be real to you, they were never real in the first place.  How the hell is anyone supposed to feel betrayed by that? The realness was never real.  

Sometimes I know I play the sucker's game and allow myself to be miserable, but that's on me.  I made a lot of mistakes, and rather than compound them, I'm here to write that mistakes happen.  I learn, I evolve.  I do not, however wish the mistakes to stay with me. So mistakes you teach me to be a better man. Mistakes you have a certain power that needs to be acknowledged. Mistakes you are who you are in life.  We both will be alright.

Now that I've gotten pseudo Freudian on myself, I think it's best to dust myself off and try again at living, life, and getting a damn job. Mainly cause unemployment will always suck, no matter how sweet it sounds. Living below a poverty level never felt so good.  It does, however put into perspective a lot of things.  The shit I was talking about in this post is NOTHING compared to being unjustly terminated and eating, sleeping, and breathing this BS for eleven months. Did I mention the negative references?  Should I?  I'm a save that for another day. I will say this.  I need to do more "fuck this post" (FTP) type of writing, or as I love to say, "you can suck it!"

Unemployment Sucks Part 31: Smile

Through my experiences I discovered in times of crisis you discover who really supported me. I've said it before, but sometimes all I needed is that the communication of encouragement to keep on moving. Other times I've pick myself up off the floor, dusted off and tried again. This time round it's not all about me.  It's about everyone who's trying to make through the day in peace and positive vibes.

We deserve to be happy, positive people with healthy options in front of us.  Sometimes that doesn't happen.  I hope and pray for y'all that good things come our way.  I pray that people find good jobs that make the difference in their lives. I pray that people treat each other with love and kindness.  Yes, sometimes I'm very optimistic, cheerful, and looking for a lot of miracles.  Should we not belive or have faith in good things in store?

For those who've seen my Facebook page, you know it's mainly about goofy images, and getting people to smile.  Why?  Because sometimes we need a laugh when negativity cloaks itself around us and clouds our thoughts, moods, and senses.  If you get a laugh or smile from this pic, then I'm feeling real good about now for you and me. Sometimes encouragement is all we have for each other.  Last night Mom suggested a couple of Psalms (121, 91) to read from the bible.  It didn't hurt to read, and in fact made my night a lot more positive.  I'm passing them onto you. Best of luck and prayers in your endeavors, and much success in your future.

Uneployment Sucks Part 30: Sunday

Its time for a distraction. Been enjoying the silence of this day so far. Sometimes being able to lay on the couch and relax gives me comfort that I didn't have before. Also allergy meds make me woozy and no good.

Today is a out accepting there are actions that simply cannot be controlled and being free of the worry. Sometimes stress gets too me. Today is about letting it come for me and leaving without harming me. It's like the tide beneath my feet. It hits, surrounds me, and then leaves. I'm no worse for time taking its natural course. I am worse off when I try to hold the tide back. I might as well count the grains of sand. Feel the change coming through. Feel myself being part of change. Feel me letting go of a lot of things. Releasing a lot of tension will hold the key to my success.

My time to rise and shine once again with strengthen me. The younger me could not endure this. The younger me could not fathom such pain and resilience. The younger me could not strike the precious balance between being a part of something greater than myself and bing apart from something greater than myself. A huge part of my life is struggling to learn, accept, move on. Change is difficult. Life is difficult. I am complex and evolving. I want to be more than where I am now. That takes effort and commitment. I will make sure I devote energy to my well-being.

Unemployment Sucks Part 29: Anticipation

"Anticipation" is the name of the song on my playlist, and it's as appropriate title as any for this post.  The song is an old school funk/slow jam by the Bar-Kays.  A little something rich and mellow from my youth.  it reminds me of a lot of good things that happen and I treasure for memories.  Every now and then I need a reminder of good things that make me feel good.  It's a mellow Sunday, and I need to relax and write a little.  By little I mean a couple of blog posts.

Had the thought to do more cinema studies essays, which my cinema blog's been lacking like a politician and the truth. I need to write more just the same. Admittedly my creativity has left me so often.  It's a result of not working.  I do feel the weight of stress on my body and soul. Gotta fight that.  I'm a bit at a low point, but I'm not defeated. There's no giving up, and if i have to meditate to purge my soul and body of this I will.  If anything I'm a determined man, and I'm determined not to succumb to despair.

To end on a pleasing note, I've been jotting down notes and ideas, so I'm not 100% creatively bankrupt. Sometimes I'm simply going through a dry spell.  I anticipate me getting my groove and soul back. It's only a matter of time. Time I greatly look forward to.

Me and Lasagna

So darn good to eat

I decided that it was time to cook something and get my mind on food, which I love and missed doing on a regular basis. A few days ago I gathered the ingredients to make some lasagna. This is about the steps I took to make and improve upon an existing recipe. The goal was to make this dish tasty by adding flavors and not skipping quality. With this cooking adventure I got a sweet, yet a a bit of heat in the background of the dish.

The first thing I did was prepare the sauce a day ahead.  Why?  I had nothing to do the day before, so I could put in the time to make the sauce.  Despite all the ingredients I assembled, it's a simple marinara sauce.  Don't think of it as complicated.  Think of it as an adventure to tasting something worthwhile.  Granted if I had some more time and money I may use fresher ingredients, like actual tomatoes instead of canned.

One thing was a standout for me is I didn't use wine in the sauce.  I ran out, and went with the flow.  The next time I try this I will for sure ass wine to the sauce. A simple red wine will do for me. Was tempted to get out the rum, but I want that for my drinks.

Sauce:

• Tomatoes (canned and diced)
• Tomato sauce
• Tomato paste (small can - for thickness)
• Onions
• Mushrooms
• Salt
• Pepper
• Italian seasonings
• Garlic
• Basil
• Bay leaf
• Crushed rosemary
• sugar (cuts out acid taste)
• Wine (optional)

Sweet with a little heat.

Add tomatoes to pot along with tomato sauce, paste. Add seasonings. Dice onions and add mushroom last. Bring to boil then allow to simmer.If making sauce is not your option, please feel free to use your favorite marinara sauce for jars. I for sure wanted to try something on my own this time around for my sauce.

Meats:

• Italian sausage (spicy). Cook and allow to cool.
• Ground chuck. Brown, season, drain, and allow to cool.

You can either add the meats to the sauces or keep separate. Since I'm doing layers I wanted to see how it worked as a separate.  I typically create a meat sauce.  Also I used less meat than I normally would. Part of me wants the taste of meat without a lot of the heaviness. Like all the parts of this dish, the meat is optional.

For the sausage, I quartered each link and diced them. I mixed the sausage and chuck together.

Cheeses (all shredded except Ricotta)

• Ricotta
• Mozzerella
• Cheddar
• Parmesan

Spreads smooth and evenly.

I'm told it may have been cheaper to buy cheese wedges and grate them myself than to buy the shredded packages. I should do more comparative shopping in regards to this, but I didn't.  Feel fee to "one up" me on this juncture. Mix Ricotta in bowl with two eggs. Add shredded cheeses. Add seasonings. Don't add too much shredded cheese or the ricotta will thicken and won't spread.

Additional ingredients: Spinach. It has a completely different taste than I'm used to on my lasagna, but it's worth it adding to this recipe.

Pasta:
Use whatever lasagna pasta you like. For this recipe I used a no boil pasta, which allowed me a bit more free time in the cooking process.

Preheat your oven to 375.

Just one layer.

Assembling the layers is easy.  Instructions called for using a non-stick spray on the bottom of the tray.  I used olive oil.  The next layer is simply a thin layer of sauce.  This is another reason I wanted the meat separate.  Let the sauce hang out at the bottom.  Meat's in the middle.  If your ricotta's spreadable, you'll have less trouble with assembly. I know for me when I made it too think in the past, I thought it would met down.  I was wrong. Big lumps of ricotta is not fun when you want as even a bites as possible.

Once assembled, cover lasagna with foil and bake.

One thing I knew would happen is I didn't have a deep enough lasagna tray. What I did was take my pizza dish and placed it on the rack beneath the lasagna. In hindsight I could've bought a disposable tray that was deeper. This would leave me with an easier time of cooking.

Good and browned, and waiting
for me to cut into.  

The lasagna bakes for 50-60 minutes. Afterwards I removed the foil and added shredded mozzarella and cheddar to the top. You can brown this for 5 mins but I let it stay in there for about 15 mins.
Cutting into this was a treat.  it was good, warm, and tasty as all get out.  I'm sure many have variations of the same dish, but this was fun to put together and discuss.

Unemployment Sucks Part 28: Happy, Oh So Happy

It's past time to get the bills paid for this month, or as people say when the money's tight, "Time to rob Peter to pay Paul."  This is more like clubbing Peter, taking his money, giving it to Paul, then clubbing Paul to get the money to pay Peter.  Quite frankly I'm more than tired of this run around.  This would be different if I was working.  I've been late with bills before, but the next few paychecks and frugal spending meant me getting myself in shape.  A few years ago I promised myself to keep up with my expenses. Due to my unjust termination, it looks like the financial hardships keep on swinging.

With me I never know what to expect, and I certainly don't give up. It looks like I'm gonna be taking things one day at a time, and trying to get out from under this black cloud that is unemployment. My head hurts and my creative level went down a few notches, but a Brother never gives up.  If all I can do is three paragraphs of work today, that's what I'm ado. Things will get done because the only direction to move is forward.

Quite frankly it's time to work more on my reinvention project, so let's see what I produce in the next few days.  Like I said if all I have is three paragraphs, it's more than I had the day before. At this point I'm all about putting more effort into my personal growth as I struggle against adversity.

Unemployment Sucks Part 27: Damn It

As always I'm looking for new jobs.  Today is no different.  Put in applications for library assistant positions, admin assistants, and anything else I could find.  The pay for several of these jobs is quite underwhelming.  One makes more on unemployment than with the job itself.  it as if they jobs are designed to keep people destitute financially.  Needless to say I'm still looking and submitting for jobs.  I call this "ultra stress," cause the future doesn't look so bright.  Then you have people bickering in congress fucking about because they couldn't give a damn about the economy.  So what if I can't get a decent job or get off unemployment.  Who gives a shit if they are in power if they do nothing with it but hold people in contempt as they play out their games?

I don't need a promise from a politician.  What I need is some action.  So damn it, I'm frustrated.  It doesn't mean giving up.  It doesn't mean it's hopeless.  Time and prayer shall open the right doors for me.  Of that, I'm not afraid.  In the meantime that bleakness creeps in like a sour visitation that does nothing for me, but attempt to bring misery. I'm a cast it out like I do all negativity. Eventually what I'm looking for will arrive, and that's gonna be my best game changer.  I will say this.  unjust terminations do make for fucked up situations.  Forcing someone to scrape by is pretty low, however good shall come from this mess.  That you really can believe shall pass.

Unemployment Sucks Part 26: You Want To Purchase What?

There's a new software on discount for writers that I got my eye on.  Before I make the purchase I had to ask myself what bills did I pay and what do I have to spare for said software.  I told myself to hold off on purchasing even if I miss the discount in order to make sure I got my necessities out of the way.  If I was working this wouldn't even be an issue.  I'd just purchase the software and it'd be done.  It doesn't work like that anymore.  After putting in nearly $300 for car repairs (added it up last night), I knew there was a real vacuum in my funds.  Better to use what writing software I own at the moment, forget the discount, and wait until all my woes are calmed.   Not mad about that.

Speaking of not mad, yesterday and today are about simple joys.  One of those joys is making dinner.  I'm making lasagna.  Made the sauce last night.  Will write that up in a separate post.  Today I'm putting the ingredients together for an awesome baking in the oven.  Being able to drive to the store is a good thing.  Don't think I could walk that amount of stuff home.

Did type out some new ideas for a concept so at least I'm still writing.  Will keep on writing, cause it needs to be done.  Thinking of a sci-fi hero novel that involves super heroes. We'll put this one in development my concepts folder.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 25: The Ride

My car means a lot to me, so having it function again is getting back a piece of mind that I missed and needed in my life. Beforehand I never embraced losing my vehicle, and the impact it has on my life.  When I was faced with being unable to move as freely as I did, even simple errands became something of a tiring effort.  For example, I couldn't go to the grocery store like I normally would.  The heat was nastier than I remembered, and a walk to the local CVS was most tiring. I was, for sure afraid of heat exhaustion, which I've felty before.

I was fortunate to have a friend take me to the grocery store and I got some supplies and run a few errands.  That's why I say support is valuable, because if you don't have it, what will you do besides go without, and possibly loose your mind?

My ride's working again, thanks to support, but not having the money to immediately repair it, then facing a towing crisis that made me fret like a madman took it's toll. I am sincerely grateful for all the well wishes and the actual help.  You never know who your friends are until you're faced with crisis and stress. People let you know, "we're here for you" in spirit or in person.  Sometimes that "good luck" push works wonders for the spirit.

I say to all who read good luck in your endeavors, and I pray that things will turn positive for you.  I don't want you to give up on yourself, and I promise not to give up on myself. Things will turn around.  As to when and how, I have no clue, but that's why I pray, for you and me.  I'd love to say I've got a new job, and move onto being a productive citizen that doesn't feel trapped or hemorrhaging on unemployment. Talk about a parody of my former financial stability.  A Brother endures.

Unemployment Sucks Part 24: A Family Affair

My family visited me yesterday, which I appreciated. This week's been a mess of stress, and I needed to get some TLC from the people who matter to me. Car got fixed and did it cost me the money I intended to pay my bills with.  Unfortunately one can't apply for jobs and take interviews without a ride. The end  of this month is gonna squeeze with a strength of a vice grip. Gotta deal with it as it comes.  It's the stuff of hardships.  At least the car's operational at this time.  Thank God.   

It's nice to see people who have time for you and enjoy being around me. I've said it before, there are others who are less fortunate than others when it comes to support.  I'm reminding you to be strong, and don't forget to love yourself.  I was stressed, and tired, but I made it through, and so will you.  One less my family taught me is you can let go and be rid of a gang of pain. If you can, reach out to your peeps. if they don't respond, find someone who's interested and at least willing to tell you their opinion or wish you good luck.  If they not talking back, they not gonna help you in the long run.  

Unemployment Sucks 23: Shake It Off

Rejection is so disheartening, and I got another email confirming I didn't get yet another job I applied for.  Sometimes I look at the messages, laugh, and move on.  It does suck being unemployed, but no time to mope and feel sorry for myself. Bad news does leech onto my good spirits, and rejection is that kick nobody likes to feel unless you're a masochist. Sometimes this coats my world and I feel less shiny and new than I love to feel.

Besides that I've been keeping busy with more applications, half-assing a few things, and feeling my creativity die on the vine, which I hate. This week's been trying as all get out with parking woes, fees I didn't expect, and me trying to get my brain together.  Sometimes I'm happy to lay on the couch and de-stress.  

Been feeling cooped up as of late. Got too caught up in other things to write well. Stress ain't pretty.

Unemployment Sucks Part 22: When Life Kicks You In the Nads

Well the past few days loved reminding me that it has the power to kick me in the nads. It seems like I went from my car crisis to apartment complex crisis, and back to car in the past few days. My nerves are a mess. I'm grateful I got the opportunity to slow down and relax. Was too upset. Didn't eat properly. Now that I mellowed, meals got possible.

To top off my lovely week, yet another Potential job sent me a "thanks but no thanks letter." I have to smile and bear this cause we both know the world doesn't stop with me feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't really stop at all. I was so messed up in the head this week, and the rejection should have been the icing on the cake. Instead it was "meh."

So I'm a little numb to the nads kicking life dealt this week. Talk about hardships. How does one weather this storm? Y'all know I'm staying positive with faith, family and friends. I needed that. Got real blessed with some fees and payments that could've gone ugly real fast.

Needless to say there were no games and a limited
amount of social network time. I read felt that outta control, panic attack sensation I loathe. So nasty. Someday it shall turn around.

So yesterday unemployment really sucked, but I dusted myself off and ready for a new day. I pray there's no more life nads kicking. That shit really hurts.

Unemployment Sucks Part 21: Re-invent Me

This is one of those times where suggestions, a helping hand and good thoughts came my way. For one thing my car is mess right now, and the part I ordered is a mess of not getting here.  I'd love to think that  stress is manageable, but it gets under my skin from time to time. I suppose it wouldn't be stress if it wasn't.  I digress.

I went to the store yesterday with a friend who was kind enough to take me, so I got what I needed, and I was more than grateful to get those errands done. In addition to the coolness of getting things done, one of my siblings suggested I should fully reinvent myself as a full-time writer. It's not like I wasn't creative before, but I got more free time on my hands and I do write all the darn time, right?

Now I need to give myself more assignments and get stuff done on a daily basis.  I suppose the blogs don't count cause I do them all the time. Still a bit exciting and scary.  I need to write down the schedule for projects and keep off the internet while working unless it's necessary.  What a fascinating challenge.  A little scary too.  

So here's to a chance to try a different angle to my productivity. Writer and job hunter by day. The possibilities appear endless.  Let me start with a list, and then get them executed during the week.  It's more like homework that i don't mind doing.  I'll figure this out.

Unemployment Sucks Part 20: Laughing

Part of the reasons I'm loving writing this series is it's keeping me writing on a frequent basis.  That's always good for me.  As I wrote on my Cinema blog, getting to feel humor is a great thing too.  Sometimes the mind needs to unwind, and as someone who loves a good laugh, I need to stop and smell the hot tea in the morning.  I so want coffee but my congestion says "hell no" at this moment.  Trust me, congestion trumps coffee. - I digress.

Today is about not being wrapped too tight in the sense that sometimes being silly can improve my overall mood.  Why am I stressing? I got this wonderful gift to use for myself and for others.  it's time to shine with a God-given talents for life and to be free of the dumbness that is trials and tribulations that I face.  Not making the problems go away (being financially destitute), but I don't have to be upset over events I can't control.  All I really can do is be me and stop worrying, give my efforts all that I can supply, and move on.

In the meantime I got some humor and some love of humor to share, and rather than let that be doused, why not let it shine.  I want to laugh, smile, and enjoy my time.  I wouldn't mind others to laugh and smile as well. So yeah, unemployment still sucks, but I can deal.  Y'all knew I could all the time.  

Kitteh

I like this pic.

Unemployment Sucks Part 19: You Didn't Know

No adventure seems complete without me thinking, "what's next."  Has my life become a 50s serial film complete with cliffhanger? No. Well for one thing a 50s films are long before my time and in the present I simply want to love the moment I'm in. Speaking of moments, one thing important to me is writing, and I now have some short stories I will eventually present to my writing group. I'm excited because it's me doing something in addition to looking for more work, and not going bonkers in the process.

Yes, there's gaming, which I love deeply, and I will play some today, but I need more outlets.  I crave the creativity.  I got a few more projects I need to dig into as well.  Getting to write in this time is a great boon for me.  I hope to use more of my time in a creative fashion.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 18: However, Life Does Not Suck

I find it important to remind myself that while unemployment does suck, my life does not. If it sounds like a contradictions, let me tell you it is not.  First and foremost working is a part of my life, and there are things I mention before about paying your way, and how jobs create structure, and that's gone for the moment.  Well now it's up to me to give myself some structure.  My life doesn't suck because of the love and support I receive. It's what I need and helps me prgroess in a tough economy.

I should mention unemployment benefits are relatively small compared to my former working wages, and trust me, no one should have top live off of them. It's quite humbling.  I see a lesson in here.  I'm constantly redefining how I should live and spend my money.  It's not an ideal station at all, but when I get stripped down to the essentials, it makes me appreciate what I do have.  Still, in the case of emergencies, I would be screwed. Replacing an alternator right now is only possible though my support system. God bless my peeps who remind me that we have to help each other because we don't have anyone else. So unemployment does suck. Support system rules with the utmost.

Unemployment Sucks Part 17: Go Team Reemployment

I'm thinking I shouldn't write this post while listening to Mariah Carey's cover of "Without You,"but it's such a pretty and haunted/dark song. She puts some conviction in her pain. I admire the artistry and talent. Needless to say, this is how I'm working on this post. I'm a deal with it, and now everyone else has to.

Artistry aside, this is me putting more efforts into winning. I'm staying positive, and looking for more places to submit applications and resumes.  The odds are slim, and it's quite the downer.  The song itself isn't making me feel bad, it's the atmosphere of not working.  That sucks wild cat ass. Gonna keep it moving.

I so need to move to another city and find my fortune elsewhere. Dealing with some more budgeting issues really has me in a tailspin that I hope will not be the end of me trying to manage my own funds. I'm reminded that prayer's gotten me through a lot of things. It will help me now.

Since I do have some free time on my hands, it's time to look in this cabinet and see if anything in here is worth keeping.  If it's not, like all the negativity, it has to get the heck out.   This reminds me to play something more upbeat and happy.

Unemployment Sucks Part 16: Untitled

This post reminds me that I started the series of Unemployment Sucks as a way to discuss my struggles with unemployment, hoping to release the negative toxins from my body mind and spirit, and possibly inspire others in similar situations.  It's also allowed me to post more on this blog, which I hadn't been doing in a while.  Writing empowers me, and often gives me a sense of completion and satisfaction.  Why not put that focus to good use and share something more profound and ultimately larger than myself? This post reminds me to not give up in the face of harsh adversities.

There are many unemployed people who don't have any outlet or feel the need for hope, optimism, and/or love. In this economy with a lot of bad things happening all the time, the future feels very, very uncertain, and the love for the world withers and dies on the vine. It's incredibly difficult to not let the negative toxins of unemployment affect your outlook on life, creativity, well-being, and good will. I can tell you holding on by a thread of hope is rough as all get out. Being made to feel at your former place of employment you're a terrible person does hit you in the psyche and the gut.

I made the choice to persevere, because it's rough, but the alternative didn't suit the man that I am. When I came to Savannah, I had plenty of goals in mind, and one was to complete my education.  For the moment that door's closed to me, but I know another will open soon.  Why?  Perseverance demands that I not give up.  I can tell you for sure I'm frustrated a lot because a lot of things simply won't work out in spite of being proactive about seeing reemployment. A lot of things aren't pretty.  I suppose this is a test in life.  I never know what God has in store for me. I do know he gave me this gift to write, and I feel a positive need to make sure to share my experiences.

Thanks and blessings to my family and friends who constantly encourage me to write, stay positive, and strong.  Kudos to all in this situation, and don't know where your next meal or paycheck is coming from. I say some prayers for you. It truly is a disheartening experience to not be able to support yourself, yet I am richer for being able to express my woes. Through God, a path to prosperity shall come our way. I'm feeling empowered by not holding onto the toxins. I love myself enough to keep trying day after day when it feels like there's not real change. I keep writing in hopes one day i will not need to write about unemployment anymore.  
 

Unemployment Sucks Part 15: In the Meantime

Time to get up and about as the upsets have come back into the picture.  By upsets I mean budgeting issues that happen from time to time and make my days rather longer than they need to be.  My alternator died, and that shit's just rough on me. Looking over some prices now for parts and places to order them from.  Ordering is one way to keep the costs down, cause as it stands, the prices is pretty high.  Too high for an unemployed Brother.

I'm reminded at these times, that I must appear like some sort of sad, stereotypical Black man with little or no prospects.  Sometimes I do feel the diminished capacity of my dreams and goals.  I'm not getting younger, after all, and the universe keeps on moving regardless of my status. I'm here to say to all, "perish that line of thinking."

A brother may be down, but keeping his spirits up and about.  I didn't hit rock bottom. I didn't die.  I won't give up.  Of course without a car it makes going to the store a bit difficult.  I need my allergy medicine, which I just ran out of, and a few other supplies. Of course, I also need to make sure I have some money for the alternator.  This remains why unemployment sucks.  I digress.

I have to get myself into a positive mode of thinking. This means looking to see how I can stay positive.  It's time for a writing project.  Let's see, what to write about this time? I think I'm gonna put a lot of effort int my screenplay today.  Why not? I have a lot of free time, and I can do more than gaming or being upset about the upsets.  Life is tough.  I'm tough. I'm a get through the ups and downs with strength, love, and hope.  I pray a lot too, as y'all know.

Unemployment Sucks Part 14: Job Interview

This week's been about running all the errands and completing tasks that needed to get done.  That makes me feel good as well.  In addition, after months of application and resume submission I had an interview yesterday.  So yes, way to go perseverance! Well I think the interview went well.  Let's hope my impression made the employee feel confident.  I felt confident.  It's always good to know talents and skills get attention, so this is a positive thing.  

Yesterday I also had some car issues, that I can't fix immediately. I would feel a lot more confident IF I had a job because I had the money to cover the expense. The perk of unemployment is you will have to wait to resolve things, however it will be resolved. Perseverance rules! As always I have to keep hope alive, and remind myself things improve over time.

Unemployment Sucks Part 13: Try Again

I named this post after the Aaliyah song, "Try Again," which is todays's topic. Rejection of any kind can sting like crazy, but the fact that one doesn't give up is worthy of recognition.  We all face obstacles and pitfalls that knock us down, but we dust ourselves off and get back into the game.  It's really about uplifting our own spirits, minds and bodies so that we can make the difference in the quality of our own lives, and the live of those around us.

Unemployment still sucks, but a Brother has to place his focus on the best things in his life.  Part of that was the gratitude I do have for the positive, and an appreciation for the negative, which comes to everyone all the time.  It cannot defeat us.  It cannot hold us back.  The power to endure and persevere resides in all of us.  Adversities come and go, and we know how to navigate them.

I believe in prayer, God, and fortify myself with many blessings God's bestowed upon me.  I know not everyone believes, but that doesn't mean you can't keep striving for positive outcomes.  You must put positive energy out and sow your seeds.

Now have I felt like giving up, and feeling that agony of defeat? Yes, yes, yes!  I however often feel it's a must to remind myself that I was not made for nothing, and the limitations others wish to place upon me doesn't mean I must accept their thoughts as my own.  So hitting the wall is rough, falling down has a lasting, humiliating blow, like being kicked in the butt by a stranger and falling face first on the concrete. I've learned to not accept a need of validation from those who don't matter.  Those who love and support me matter.  Those who cannot abide fall to the wayside.  It is a truth you will see over and over again.

So onto the next resume and application submission.  My time to shine, like yours, will arrive in due time.

Unemployment Sucks Part 12: Happy 4th of July

This Wednesday seems like a cozy Saturday, and I have some exciting news I hope to share soon. Don't want to get too ahead of myself and we're keeping things moving.  Gratitude is on the plate. 

It's a holiday and I'm fortunate to relax for a bit. It feels good and enjoyable. I need to enjoy the quiet side of a holiday.  Not doing the fireworks sessions, and I know that place will be crowded, and the fireworks are usually fantastic.   

UPDATE:  I wrote this post, and I realized it isn't my typical robust sexy posts.  That's got to go. Admittedly I worked on something that demanded my attention, but I know I can do better than this.  Yes I was exhausted from writing, but now that's over with.

The 4th of July usually means grilling and time with the family, which means a trip home, however, it's not happening, and I wish it did. It's almost a perfect set-up.  I'm currently not working, I could use some family face time, and then there's the food.  Sadly, I got things to take care of, but I don't want to take my family for granted that they will be here, because sometimes we are here one day, and gone the next.

That has less to do with unemployment, but with having love and family. Still, part of this journey is about love, healing, and moving on.  Family is there for these changes.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 11: Gratitude

Sometimes looking at what I have more than what I loss gives me real comfort and strength. I am more than grateful for the love and support of family and friends. They've been the best cheerleaders I could imagine. The well wishes and prayers keep me secure. I love that.

I'm grateful my migraine went away. Stress no doubt brought it on. Resting was the best thing I could do for myself. I came up with a few ideas for scripts I'll share one day. At least talk about the methodology behind them.

I'm grateful for loving myself not to either fall into despair or allowing pain to rule me. Prayer helps and thank God the positive outweighs the negatives.

I'm grateful for the rest I'm able to take. It feels so good to not have annoyances. Makes life sweet. I'm grateful for waking up this morning and a simple breakfast with tea.I'm grateful I haven't given up on hope and love. They make my day.

EDIT: Like post #12 I'm writing some more because quite frankly I can do anything I set my mind to, and it's time to express myself.  First and foremost having a life, living, and improving is my beautiful experiences and I'm grateful for the good and the bad.  The good always outshines the bad, because the bad gets left behind.The strength, love, and joy I have continues to empower me.

I'm also grateful to the negative experiences, because like a little rain, you too shall pass.  I'm reminded of how strong I am, and those around me.  Needless to say, unemployment sucks, and it will pass as well.  I'm grateful for the great power endure my hardships.  Hardships remind us that we are strong.

Unemployment Sucks Part 10: Job Hunting

It's time to look for some new jobs today.  I don't mind the searching part, or the passing out of resumes. It does take it's toll when you realize it feels like a never ending party where everyone's gone home but you, and no one seems to notice. It is what it is.

Today is also an odd day cause the power went out on the the entire block last night.  Dinner by candlelight was not what I was prepared for, but it's what I got.  It wasn't even an awesome meal, LOL it was salad.  I wanted a late night meal without the heaviness of a full meal. All of a sudden, the power went out.  it was dark.  Pitch black dark.  I keep candles and flashlights so I wasn't helpless in the dark.

Power's back on now.  :)

Unemployment Sucks Part 9: Irons In The Fire

Yesterday, like most days had me looking for jobs.  Boy is this market tough.  Since I can't move (yet), I need to keep looking, applying, and submitting.  I feel better that I have hope for my future, and my people keep pushing me to look.  Go peeps! Thanks peeps!  Y'all know who you are.  Y'all make my heart and soul dance to you're unwavering support and love.  It's good to be loved. it's good to know happiness, bliss and a sense of peace.  I know it don't pay the bills, but it brings me things money can't buy.

I have some projects that are non-paying, but I love what I do so the money will come if I maintain the flow of production and energy.  needless to say I spend my free time doing things that are free, and hope that things will get better for me.

Neck's very stiff which means my sleep is off, or I used the wrong pillow again, which is much of the same thing.  It will pass, as always.  It's passing now.  Ah, ibuprofen, my friend.

As always this is a brand new day with plenty of potential.  I'm a get busy with a project or five.  This series still being my favorite at the moment.  Life is good.  Could be better, but a Brother keeps his spirits high.    

Unemployment Sucks Part 8: Re-Employment Program

I found visiting the Department of Labor a challenge at first.  It was busy when I went, long lines and spent the bulk of the morning in there. Still it was good to get that underway because it was needed for my well-being and the transition between my unjust termination and obtaining a new job.

Part of receiving unemployment benefits was getting into the re-employment program. I saw it like a class, and it was a series of lectures and presentations, and I got up early for them. This program helped put some pep in the motor in spite of any former unemployed person's  circumstances. The re-employment program reminded me of how valuable I am, and adds another support system for me to grow and be stronger.

There were a lot of cool benefits and I found myself submitting resumes and applications more and more. The uncool part is that I don't have a job (yet), but the time that passes tells me that kiss of death from an unjust termination lives on.  Nevertheless, I'm not giving up.  As I mentioned yesterday the grass may look greener elsewhere, but we all know different.

As always, stay strong, and never give up.

Unemployment Sucks Part 7: Speak Your Mind

As I type this I have the start of a migraine, and yes I took some Ibuprofen. I'm a go lay down in a hot minute.  Things will work themselves out like they need to.  A few minutes of rest will help resolve the pain.  

Sometimes I must cut back on the things and maintain a budget. Always hated budgeting, and being a bit more carefree with spending.  I'm single, no kids, and I love expenses, like my eduction, new movies, foods for cooking, dining out, and new clothes.  A Brother lives for some nice things.  That's a bit done for the moment as I look at what I can and can't afford.

The past two weeks of job hunting consisted of feedback, putting out applications and resumes, and crossing my fingers.  I mixed in some prayer in there too, and peeps gave me equal well wishes.  One person gave me the "thanks but no thanks" response this week.  I was disappointed, but I got over that. Can't take that spirit to another potential employer.

Unemployment Sucks Part 6: Let Me Turn This Car Around

You sometimes have to make concessions in your life and sometimes its better than nothing.  Having the inability to not pursue some of my favorite endeavors really flattened the tires of inspiration, but today is about bouncing back from perceived defeat.  First, "never give up" sounds good on paper, right?  Yes, it's very feel good phrase, somewhat annoying, but I got love for me, and faith. People have love and faith in my ability to persevere, create, and inspire even when I don't feel like I can. Theres' always something good and true about your support network. Call em up, sent a meal or text, and get that feedback.  They are here to help.

I recognize I'm not identified by my job, and if I were I think my unjust termination would've destroyed me.  Was I proud about working? Was I having a good lifestyle?  Was I working in spite all negativities?  Oh yes I was. keeping up a professional demeanor no matter the process is magic. Somehow this hasn't kept me from being able to live, talk to people, and laugh. I laugh a lot.  I got jokes, stories, amusing adventures I share.  I have my blogs, and I still write.

So in the sense that I get that woe is me feeling when i'm driving through life, let me turn this car around.  I'm going on that highways where the people are happy, productive, and love themselves. One thing to always remember as you see others having what you think is success and you're not.  The grass always looks greener on the other side, however, you don't know what's going on past the surface.  We may be in a post-Post Modern world, BUT everything that looks good, and good for you, and all that glitters ain't gold. Remember those phrases as you get that nagging thought that some are better off cause they have what you don't material wise. For me, prayer, meditation, love and support always gets me through. Getting that good night's sleep, stepping into a new morning, and keeping it moving is a priceless act that pays now, and sows seeds for the future. Invest in yourself. God will help save you.    

Unemployment Sucks Part 5: School's Out (For Now)

For the moment, I can kiss my graduate dreams goodbye for now as looking for a job takes top priority. Sometimes our dreams and goals are on hold, and it feel like there's no light at the tunnel for completion of said dreams. It feels like life's been sucked right out of me, as if my goals and dreams aren't worth a rat's nasty behind at the moment. That really stinks, but as always optimism lives with me, and my peeps remind me all the time that things will get better.

For those who don't have peeps telling them this, and you need to hear it, listen to me now, THINGS WILL GET BETTER.  It does take time and it is a frustrating situation to live through, but we are strong people, and this is but a footnote in our histories. Our strength is being tested by adversity.  I know I've taken a lot of hits.  I've been tested many times, and I manage to come through.  I'll do it again.

In addition to the woes, I'm reevaluating where I obtain my masters degree. While I think highly of my professors, and learned a lot from them, I worked where I went to school, and being unjustly terminated placed the entire university in a different light.  Professors aside, do I -- should I return to a place that treated me in such a poor, disrespectful manner? Would I not be better off in a place where I didn't feel like I was disrespected, and contributed monetarily to a company like the former place of business?  These are things worth contemplating and helping me move onto better prospects. Let me tell you, the best for me has yet to come.

I will say this with most confidence, in the past, my ancestors have been disrespected, and now so have I, but we all endure our struggles, heartaches and pains. We move forward. It is that strength, support, and love that has made all my experiences worthwhile and allowed me to see and move beyond the negatives. Entitlement, works for some, but others such as ourselves put in the time to make sure things are done. I don't have the luxury of entitlement.  I do know what my parents told me, and my grandpaprents, and the stories I've know all my life. You gotta take stands somewhere in your life, or you will fall for anything.

Unemployment Sucks Part 4: Keep Your Head Up

Staying positive after loosing one's job is much easier said than done.  It really kills the good will and mentality to progress or feel satisfied in life.  No matter what the reason is that you're no longer work at your job, you've got to flourish and keep your head up. The opposite is to lay down and accept defeat.  If no one ever says it, "we are worth every bit of success that we once had and then some," I'm saying it for us.  The determination and ability to handle this upset is but a stepping stone in life.  This is but an experience to discuss and to overcome.  We all have strength in the face of adversity.  

Admittedly I was down when I was unjustly terminated, but I know I couldn't rest on this point.  I believe that the experience, the worries, and the fears are all natural.  I went through them. I suffered the woes, but I'm not giving up, and neither should anyone else. In addition to job searches, resume updates, job fairs, and meetings on career/interview improvements, nothing's gelled yet. Still I refuse to give up. Giving up isn't considered because I have to take care of myself.  Also I love working.

Let's face it, jobs do more than give us a paycheck.  Jobs give us structure, routines, and a sense of achievement. Being removed from these productive elements is not only draining, but depressing.  Sadly there's no manual for how to survive this kind of upset.  All that anyone can do is try their hardest to keep their head up. Family and friends kept my spirits moving in a positive direction, as well as prayer, meditation, and any form of distraction I could find, like playing games, TV shows, and looking at old films in my home.

One bad thing I did was watch reality shows. When I was employed I never watched them.  I'm reminded why I didn't like them as I type this post. A lot of the shows are awful and negative.  I wasn't made to hold this kind of drama in my psyche. Attempting to pull away was a hot mess of me being curious, which is not where I need to place my focus. I guess that's as low as I go. I feel lucky because some people don't stop with reality shows.  Substance abuse comes into the picture for some. That's a dark road I pray no one has to fall into.

My only suggestion is to find things that help you take your mind off your woes.  For me writing is one of my strengths, so I'm putting this to use now.  I love to cook, southern/soul food cuisines. Maybe one day I should try baking.  Make a cake from scratch, or a box. So long as it gets made. Music also takes my mind off a lot of heaviness for brief moments at a time.  We gotta keep things progressing.  Don't fall into a slump.  It happened, but we have the power to move away. It's not easy, but then again, the things worth having are never easy to achieve.    

Unemployment Sucks Part 3: Me, Hardships, and Unemployment Benefits

A lot of people never have to think about being terminated, and I pray that most never will.  Quite frankly, termination cuts to the bone. In my case, the rug was totally pulled from under me. One day I had a job, the next day, I didn't. I claim unjust termination because of the facts surrounding my termination, and that I received unemployment benefits in spite of my former employer's sly attempt to tap dance around the truth and employee laws. I believe greatness shall come from my experiences. That these horrible transgressions shall be a thing of the past to share with others.

Being terminated for any reason leaves a person in a vulnerable financial and psychological state. After all, how do you explain why you don't have a job anymore to family and friends?  How do you tell your former co-workers what happened to you?  How do you pay your bills, your rent, car repairs, groceries, and subscriptions you may have (like HBO,  magazines, group dues, etc.)? It's quite the hardship, let me tell you.

Adjusting is the hard part. I love my life and the things it brought me to be better in life and succeed.  To give these things up is a huge step backwards.  In fact it puts me near the poverty line. This is very, very scary. At the same time prayer, meditation, family and friends really help lift my spirits.

Loss of my steady income means sometimes I must pay my bills late, and that's a pet peeve of mine. Promptness with bills affords me security and happiness as opposed to bringing my stress levels to new heights, which happens all the time now. Without a steady job, I have no steady income.  I reluctantly kissed the old lifestyle goodbye.  I really can't really relocate for another job because the new apartment complex will want to know how I'm going to pay them, and they don't accept that I "might" get a job. What's that to anyone? Where to do I find the money to relocate? As a friend pointed out to me, in my case, one viable option available to me is moving in with a relative.  

Unemployment benefits saved me from the complete financial crisis that unjust termination brought into my life.  According to employee law; Section 34-8-194 former employees can't collect unemployment benefits if he or she is the cause of their termination.  For example, lateness on a daily basis could not only be grounds for termination, it would mean I couldn't collect unemployment benefits due to it being my fault I was terminated.  For that matter any company violations would apply here.  There were no company violations on my part. I received unemployment benefits.