Unemployment Sucks Part 41: Hello Again Ugh

Y'all ever had that "ugh" feeling.  That feeling like you don't want to be bothered with anything cause it all feels like "ugh." It doesn't make sense, it annoys me, it makes me want to get away from it, and I don't even have the energy to move past ugh.  Ugh can be that person who doesn't leave once the movie's over, and really wants to loaf about, on your BACK. Ugh would lay on my head, if I could support it that way.  Ugh you bastard.  Get away from me.

Well, today I rolled out of bed, and I felt aimless. Hello ugh. I'm expecting a few calls and need to make some soon, as well as job hunt.  In other words, It's time to pull myself together. I need to finish the bottle of water on the table next to me.  I got a little tea happy yesterday, so I need more water.  I had a few sips here and there, but I need to complete the whole thing for starters.  I'll refill the bottle and drink more.

The weather outside has that semi-sunny feel, so I'm guessing rain's in the future as it was yesterday.  Needless to say it's about to get gloomy, and that can ruin a good day.  I'm all about not getting gloomy, and yes, between pauses I drank more water. I suspect my mood will lift once I get some more writing and reading done.  I need to have my mind filled.  Also need to relax. Enjoy this day.  Allow myself not to be overwhelmed by outside influences.  Must feed brain with knowledge.  

This may be the perfect day to write and be happy about writing.  I'm not doing much of anything else.  My mind needs stimulation, so perhaps I'll work on my screenplay.  if not I'll be sitting here sipping on a bottle of water cause I know better, and I shouldn't let that Ugh feeling beat up on me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 40: My New Sedentary Lifestyle

About to have my tea and chillax a bit, but I'm leaving the TV off for a short while.  Why?  Between job hunting and writing i find myself watching more and more television and not in a good way.  I've been watching so-called reality shows, talk shows, and all sorts of news programs.  While I like informative shows, sometimes that shit is as negative as all get out. I've placed in my psyche unnecessary drama that seems harmless until my brain processes that I've wasted my time. That's not what I'm about.

Yesterday was the final straw when trying to watch Dr. Phill I got so irritated with the couples struggling to stay together and be apart at the same time.  I was under the impression that they LOVE the drama and tension.  It irked me, and I eventually turned the TV, BUT nothing like that should be working my nerves. I'm job hunting.  I don't have a job!!!  Somehow I'm engrossed in shit like this and while I love a good distraction, I feel like I put my time energy in the wrong shows.

If I want a drama I have a LOT of good choices to pick from.  There's more to do with my time.  Even when I'm gaming and sitting, I have more satisfaction from the events.  I need to keep this aspect of my defenses active.  When I worked.  None of the negative got in. I didn't have time for it. I need to make sure I keep it going in that direction.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 39: Job Searchin'

For those not in the know, to keep receiving unemployment benefits, it requires me to constantly look for and report jobs, which I do.  Today is no different and I need to make sure I scout some leads down and see what I can do in order to get myself productive. While it seems easy and anyone can scout a job (which they can), getting an interview's proven to be tricky as well. It's time to reexamine the resume and make sure it says what it needs to in order to get my foot in the door.

I'm hoping to do at least one film essay per week to keep myself going in regards to my cinema blog.  last week was the Dark Knight Returns.  This week was updating my Catwoman post.  I have a few more in draft, and some others I'm going to write something on, or started notes on.  The goal is to push myself back into writing things I love to do do. This should keep me busy and happy.  Let's keep things moving.

It's been a trying week as I put some things together, and some things seem to fall apart.  Thank God for small favors as things simply fell into place today.  All it took was a little patience, and not reacting first and thinking it over. Crisis averted and then things work better. It means relax.  For the record I've been feeling the need to write again, and that's aways good.  Got some essays I have yet to complete, BUT they're a page long, which is more than enough for a blog post.  let's see where they lead.  Both of them I feel a need to hold onto for revisions.  I'm positive I'll have a better post for both soon.      

Unemployment Sucks Part 38: Sundaze

It's a Sunday and I told myself to get out of the house for a drive, and I did that.  Of course while on the road I had all sorts of thoughts I couldn't write down because I was driving, but I'd have to remember them for when I returned home. Decided that I'm not having my Sunday latte mainly cause I drank too much sweet tea yesterday and that would lead to a caffeine OD. The detox part is murder.  I need to drink a couple more bottles of water just the same. Love my drinks, but moderation balances me out.  Did I mention it was hot outside.  Savannah is all sorts of muggy and it always feels like it's flattening me as well as making me sweat.  

I got new tires last year, but I'm a bit worried about having to replace them, cause if i do, where's that money coming from?  I don't have it.  I just overspent for repairs to the battery and alternator that were quite ugly to my bank account.  It hurts to think about this, but one can't turn away.  Bills need to be paid, and thinking of my future is more than important.  You never know with cars and repairs today doesn't prevent another issue.  Will keep it in mind, and allow it to pass.  No need to panic for something that hasn't happened.

Needed to be more creative yesterday, but I found myself with a headache and neck pain.  It's been part stress and part bad sleeping.  At least today there was no neck pains, which made it perfect for driving.  it's that nasty ache that won't go away and I feel like it takes forever for medicine to kick in.  Also congestion please go away.  I need to drink more water for sure at this point.  I hate that feeling in the back of my throat.  When I get insurance again I'm having this check out cause there MUST be a way to be done with this.  It's time to keep on writing, so much luck, love, and success to those striving.

Unemployment Sucks part 37: Thinking Commercial

It's been nearly a year since I was unjustly terminated from my job, and job hunting's been moving up and down a scale that doesn't seem to fare better.  I write, and I write some more. That too has gone up and down.  Been submitting applications and my resume left and right to no avail.  it seems I'm overqualified for some jobs, and under-qualified for others. It's taking it's sweet time, but I eat, sleep, and breath this wrongful termination, and it's affected every aspect of my life.

This is not to say my life's over.  If so I may as well stop blogging now and wait for the end to happen.  Why face a setback (not defeat) by giving up. I choose to endure, suffer, sacrifice, and withstand all the negativity.  Why?  Because I know things happen for a reason.  There's a time and place for things. I also know in the end I will succeed and be in a better place than I was and am now.  I worked hard to succeed.  I built my success through my hard work and efforts.  They've brought me to this point, and deep within my soul I know this is not where the story ends.  God willing, as my soul speaks, I will find a better path than I followed.

Been laying low (not blogging) as I contemplate my next moves on how to survive.  Of course the bills are due, and the crunch of it all is ever present and dangeously looming over me.  Noticed the smell of bread's been nauseating me.  That's not a good sign, but it didn't make me sick when I had a slice of it.  May need to to start keeping a food diary so I can see what works or not.  it may simply be this brand of bread.  Makes note to self to switch brands in the future when I run short.

Creative wise I've been stressed, BUT I got the feeling I'm back on the right track, which doesn't mean resting.  It means putting more efforts into actions, like keeping up with my blog, and writing more and more.  It also means that in spite of all woes I must never give in or up.  If I have to write a post and leave it in draft mode cause it's too short, then that's what I have to do.  Even bum days should produce five sentences.  Revising is my friend.

Thinking commercial refers to how and what I write. I tend to write stories that appeal to my inner silliness, which may or may not appeal to an audience. Part of making successful (selling) stories is how others respond to the material.  Another part of my writing is my sense of humor.  Humor usually comes off well (people laugh).  Needless to say IF I can make people laugh perhaps I AM thinking of my audience since I love to hear laughter and to laugh.

So I think what's next is to make sure I at least will laugh at my own concepts, and perhaps test them on a few close friends. I'm such a creative goofball so it won't hurt to go for laughs. Not that all my ideas are strictly humorous.  I'm not always goofy, and in fact, can be downright serious and no-nonsense when it comes to my outlook on life.  Like I mentioned many times before, giving up on life and my goals/dreams is not an option.

Unemployment Sucks Part 36: Gotta Bust Dat Move

Today was all about feeling the woes of being unemployed. Let me say that this past year does have a very nasty, depressive side to it. Sorta like a hairy ass that looks like shag carpet, and unwashed for a month.  Can you imagine the funk?  Good cause that's how I felt.  A lot of changes came while I was unemployed.  I lost my aunt, my grandmom became ill, and things seemed to come to a big, screeching halt. I say seemed, cause the world kept on moving along with me.  

So let's reflect on my morning. I got up feeling empty and ready for another round of searching for jobs, and tasting that agony of unjust termination.  Part of me wanted to sit back and just hang out on the couch with that funk. The funk wraps me like a big, coat made of nasty ass hair. Funk owned me and colored my world.  This is not how I'm supposed to live, and damn it, that's not gonna happen!

A brother needed to be over the woes as they clouded and crowded my brains and turned my creative output to nil. I told myself to get over that, and here I am writing a new blog post.  That Debbie Downer mood I was going through.  I had to send that bitch packing.  Yes it sounds simple to say, "get over it." Who else could say that to me and their opinion matters more? Who's gonna love me more than me? If I don't start with me, well then I'm lost, and deserve to go sit back on the couch with my pity party.

Today ain't perfect, but I'm putting my foot down against me allowing myself to sulk.  If I gotta put my emotions to the side and get shit done, or smooth them fuckers out, then that's what's gonna happen.  Maybe I can channel them emotions into something good. I know I'm not sulking or wearing the asshair coat anymore.  Maybe there's a lesson here about smoothing out my emotions, my thoughts, my soul.  Things shall work out because the world never stopped moving and I will be free of all things that try to constrain me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 35: Film and Fun

Im supposed to be sleeping, but I decided that since my mind was calm, it might be a good time to start a new blog post. Posting is tricky. Sometimes the flow of thoughts come easy. Other times my writing gets drier than a sponge in the hot summer Carolina sun. Speaking of dry, my job searching got a bit on the empty side this week. Likewise my creativity followed suit. I hate being unemployed. The structure helped me balance out things.

Took a few days off from posting as my brain felt congested with being cooped up. At the suggestion of a family member I went to the movie theater. I saw The Dark Knight Rises. I'll post more on that via Several Deadly Cines soon. A cool aspect of this trip, besides getting me outta the place was getting a free movie pass when the projector malfunctioned. I got to see the movie in another AND I can see a new film for free.  Talk about good timing. Just the thing to lift my spirits more.

Another piece of cool news was a response from a potential employer.  I'm still in the running for a new position. That interview's around the corner, y'all.  If not back to the drawing board.

Need to start wearing my new shoes, as with the old ones, the ball of my foot aches. It's like a cramp before it intensifies. I suppose it's like the pre-pain moment. Ow, ow, ow! Im hoping me being off my feet will help my feet relax and enjoy not having pressure on them.

When I woke up today I'm reminded that I'm out of allergy meds. I'm so good and mad about it, but replacing them is a top priority. Maybe I'll do more cleaning today.  Can't hurt to get rid of some clutter.

Unemployment Sucks Part 34: Job Hunting and Other Fine Goods

Job hunting is a damn chore.  It' feels like one should get paid to do it.  Spend the better part of last week going through several places in search of a good job. Last week was fruitless, but worth the effort of finding out it was fruitless.  After all, who gives up on living, or looking like they living? it simply means that I must keep things moving forward.

Still contemplating how to turn a lot of my negatives into positives so that I can put some focus on positive things.  Made some concessions in my bills. What to keep as an ongoing expense, and what I can reduce.  Certainly I need to eat, but found myself shopping with a conservative eye and wallet.   I hate it when steak's off the menu.  I'll have to get back to steak cause I want it. Have to be practical too.  A yummy steak is worth waiting on.  Can't you see that delicious ribeye marinated overnight, then cooked to perfection? That reminds me, I need to buy a new frying pan, when the time comes.  So a new pan and steak shall one day come to me.  I have faith it will.

Unemployment Sucks Part 33: Creativity and Chores

Some more job hunting is on the agenda today, and I forgot to make my morning tea. That irks me only slightly.  I've been at this laptop for a hot moment, and I kinda need a break.  Also I was playing on Facebook a little. Peeps and myself been posting images and I loved the meme about politics and how posting political opinion doesn't change people's minds. Sometimes it simply doesn't, and that all good. I, however will continue to post my cat "politics" cause LOLcats rule everything.

Been writing some stuff down, and working on stories and cinema posts, as well as some laundry, so I guess I'm being productive.  Being very indecisive about writing some more than I was, but perhaps I'm doing too much at one time.  Still, gotta get lost in the material or not do it at all.

Dusted off an old short story to properly format it, and found myself elaborating on the text.  I liked that I did more to push the ideas forward.  I got to a point where I was getting "fussy" so I made a pause in writing.  I hate when I take myself away from the story.  This story so needs a "FTS" (fuck this story) mood so I will write whatever.  All I can say is it was supposed to be a goofy story, and got heavy.  Why do I put myself through the torture of creativity, and  it always "zings" me when I don't want to? I don't think I could give up on writing even if I had to work at a crawl.    Well, fuck this story.  I'm a break it down like an old school love song.  The part where the vocalist really sells thew pain and vocal skills.

Unemployment Sucks Part 32: Get Your Life Back

Yo, fuck this post.  It was supposed to be deep and meaningful, but sometimes I just have to go for what I think is shallow (which comes off as deep and meaningful). In this instance I'm a just say my piece and give back the mic.  There are no magic words or tricks to this puzzle.  One has to live through experiences and hopefully process some meanings or reasons behind them.

I was gonna talk about backstabbing, but fuck that too. I've been stabbed in the back, face, neck, legs, all over.  Somehow that HASN'T stopped me from breathing. Take a note: Sometimes things hurt like hell, but many of us get all smart about these events and live. It's how I choose to resolve things that makes the difference.  Who gives a shit if other people have two or more faces and heads?  That's on them. What I do know is that I have to keep things moving forward and without wondering about what could be.  As always I'm ready to say to myself "get over yourself," cause between me and my ego there's no room left for my glorious ID.  If people can't stay real or be real to you, they were never real in the first place.  How the hell is anyone supposed to feel betrayed by that? The realness was never real.  

Sometimes I know I play the sucker's game and allow myself to be miserable, but that's on me.  I made a lot of mistakes, and rather than compound them, I'm here to write that mistakes happen.  I learn, I evolve.  I do not, however wish the mistakes to stay with me. So mistakes you teach me to be a better man. Mistakes you have a certain power that needs to be acknowledged. Mistakes you are who you are in life.  We both will be alright.

Now that I've gotten pseudo Freudian on myself, I think it's best to dust myself off and try again at living, life, and getting a damn job. Mainly cause unemployment will always suck, no matter how sweet it sounds. Living below a poverty level never felt so good.  It does, however put into perspective a lot of things.  The shit I was talking about in this post is NOTHING compared to being unjustly terminated and eating, sleeping, and breathing this BS for eleven months. Did I mention the negative references?  Should I?  I'm a save that for another day. I will say this.  I need to do more "fuck this post" (FTP) type of writing, or as I love to say, "you can suck it!"