NOTE: I wrote this post a few days ago, got upset, and feared even publishing it. I suppose truth hurts, and I'm not perfect. Sometimes my days don't go well. It's true I never give up,yet at the same time there needs to be some time where I acknowledge the pain of being unemployed.
One of the reasons I didn't want to post it is cause truth hurts, and I needed to to take a look at myself. I also feared the truth, which there was no need to. Also after saying it I wondered if I should put this out not because it does make me feel vulnerable and week. I thought about it. This is where unemployment brought me, and I did say it sucks, so why am I hiding it now? This is my reality.
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Let's be honest, I'm not happy right now. I'm trying to get myself together, and after nearly a year of application submitting, seminars, and resume building, I still don't have a job. My interviews have been sparse and I do mean sparse. No I'm not giving up on finding a job, but damn this is a struggle. When I leave my home I'm reminded I don't have anything, and of course I'm upset. I haven't been without a job like this since I started being gainfully employed many, many years ago. Now I'm stressed, tired, frustrated, and upset. I've likely made myself annoying to others about talking about being unemployed and how I became unemployed. My unhappiness became others unhappiness. That's not what I want for my life, nor is that what I want to give to others.
Discussing unemployment does wear down on me, but at the same time how can I not discuss it? Quite frankly unless my status changes I'm going to have nothing.
NOTE 2: After I wrote this I noticed a change in me. Perhaps my frustration went out with this post. I simply don't know. I do know that I wanted to watch more movies, go outside and enjoy a causal drive. I wrote more fiction after months of feeling like my negative emotions ruled my thoughts. I was being unfair to myself, and in that unfair to all around me. Also I don't want my life to feel like a sandpit. Things aren't working the way I planned, but if my energy shifted from negative to positive only good things can follow.
It's going to take some work to get myself completely away from the negative mode, but I'm more than willing to start looking for the doors that opened to me as the old ones closed. It's been some mean seasons, but into my life change must come. How I handle change is up to me.
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