Note: I realize how vulnerable and painful this post is to me, and I also realize that posting it has made me stronger in many more ways. I post this as a testimony to the positive changes my life is undergoing.
I have issues with my father. I am used to his oft-putting ways, and the 10-mile wedge between us. I can make my way cross to his side, but this is such a pitfall of a one-way relationship that has existed since I could remember. It’s got me hitting my head against the wall.
I don't have his support on any endeavor I partake. He’s so uninvolved and so uninterested that I sometimes think he doesn’t give a damn about anything he associates with his “old life,” and that’s my Mother, brothers, and myself. This is truly a hard pill to swallow; yet I must. He abandoned us, and he left us in the wind. Now he’s off doing all sorts of better things that don’t involve his family. I think he would be happy if he didn’t see us at all.
Well, realizing the depth of my father’s love has hurt me so bad I was reduced to tears. I am at that point in the road where I am tired. Tired of the ups and downs, the games, and the lies. I don’t need excuses and I don’t want to argue about memories. His rejection doesn’t matter anymore, because if I am ever to move forward I have got to let go of his baggage and mine that ties me to him. This knowledge makes me look at my life differently. I don’t have to hold onto the pain, and I don’t have to be mad about the memories and drama. I feel as if I can let him, the bitterness, and his foolishness go without looking back, and without any hard feelings.
No, my realizations didn’t come to me easy, and I anguished over the pain and loss. I gained some valuable insight from this experience. Mind you, I wish I didn’t have to go through this drama. This is, however, my story, my path, my life, and I have to do what I have to do to not simply survive, but to succeed in life. I wish I had no worries, but I do, and am going to handle them all. No one dictates my feelings, by default, or otherwise anymore.
2 comments:
Hey, finally popping in and sort of going through your blogs really quick and came to this one which made me stop and read more.
I'm so sorry you have this situation with your father. So many have similar situations with one parent or the other, most times the father. It makes is harder for a male child I know.
I just want to say, you have done well not having his support. I know you wished you had it, but that is his lost. Pat yourself on the back for making it dispite him. My husband has a similar background, he's never known his father. He's made it though. That's a big accomplishment. :o)
Thanks Beatty. I've been away for a few days, and catching up.
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