I know I’m a work in progress. I’m so much like my art because I keep trying at it. It doesn’t matter so long as I get down to business, be it drawing, photography, or writing. I do struggle a whole lot with life and resolutions. I learn and grow. I’m hard headed so some of life’s lessons have to be repeated. I want to establish control of my life and art. Maybe I need to loosen up. Let me explain.
For the longest I have complained and desired about not censoring myself. I wanted to be free of the constraints. Well, why did I place the constraints there to begin with? Be forewarned, this is an introspective post.
Well, I have always wanted to fit in with other people. I wanted them to think me special, and look at my writing as my unique talent. I’d be the cool person for once. That was the plan. It was an utter waste of time and energy. Not because I’m failing at it, but rather that I have excelled at becoming a person who is liked by several for not being me, but rather someone who is like me. He’s talented, smart, and a good guy, but he lacks the depth that I truly possess.
Writing does not make me special. It does not make me different. I am no smarter than the next person. That was a foolish vision I used to cling to like cheap undies one size too small. At one time in my life, it was important for me to be liked and to fit in, but not as who I am, but as the sly writer. Writers, I thought were special. They’re not.
If I had a dime for every life experience I had with someone where I came to the conclusion that “people put their pants on one leg at a time,” well I’d have a lot of dimes to wrap for my bank to take.
I have been establishing my independence, being my own man, living my life. I’m trying to earn my living while getting my masters degree in contemporary writing. Its not all bliss and cake. Its damn hard, and sometimes its rough, but I can’t go back and change things.
I feel like rebelling. This happened to me when I was an undergrad. I struggled in my literature and art classes. I wanted to do the work, but I could not be like everyone else. There were times when I didn’t know what my professor wanted. I got so upset I decided to do the damn paper/draw the image. If he or she didn’t like what I produced, well that’s too bad. I’m giving it my all.
I worked so hard for my BA, and I thought I was an utter failure, but I persisted. I never gave up. My professors came around and noted my individuality. I didn’t have to belong to any group. I was me, and people took it or left it. Those were great years.
Imagine my shock as my encouragement from my instructors turned to dust as I applied to graduate school in painting, and found my art portfolio did not meet the standards for which art is measured. I felt like a true failure, because in spite of some fantastic talented instructors backing me, I fell flat on my face. At that moment I wanted to belong again.
My writing lost edges, as did my desire to draw, paint, or do photography. I plagued myself with self-doubt. I fell into dead-end jobs, and felt trapped for a long time.
What I crave now is a change. Not a change in just my art, but in my life. I need to shift to focus from extraordinary expression on paper and canvas, but into life as well. I need to take myself serious. Why can’t I use my talents to become a business?
My name should be synonymous with substance, quality and style. The kind of man who exudes cool under pressure, and commands respect not for being “special”, but for taking control of his life, and working to constantly improve said life.
I wonder sometimes, would I have been grateful for what has been given to me in life if I didn’t go through all the negative things in life? Many times I have been so ungrateful for opportunities, love and support. I still have many mistakes to learn from. I am not perfect. I have got to remember that, and keep my business in check.
No comments:
Post a Comment