Waiting

Sometimes waiting is good. I like waiting. Stuffed my face with a meat lovers omelette. Couldn't finish it. Killed the toast (with strawberry jam), the hash browns, and drank a part of the water. I'm ready to relax now. Don't know if I can do much more at the moment as the food coma cometh. Fortunately I wrote this out. As mundane as this post is, I got it done. 

Thursday

As I sit in this chair and look down at the keyboard, I'm reminded that updates don't type themselves.  Commitment is tricky, but it can be good. I slipped in the updates, so getting back is promising. I need to keep writing.  I feel like I have nothing to say, but that's wrong. My mind is simply in a state of chaos. It needs some settling, or I need to figure a way to get myself focused. 

Distracted

Today is one of those days when outside forces seem to take holed of everything, and serve as distractions. On top of that, the moment I had something to say via writing, I had more distractions. What is worse if I didn't want to feel obnoxious and put on headphones, but I should.  

Now that I've returned from errands, that had to have complications, now I sit here and want headphones. I need sleep. At this point I want to be left alone to mellow out. No need for tv shows or talking. Just some peace and quiet. 

Late in the Day

The weather's been cold, wet, and rainy. Yesterday it was warm, then cool, then rainy. Once the rain came into play, I stayed as dry as possible. It's a pain when it gets to that discomfort of the cooling effects of weather. Dunno when the weather will uplift. It's kinda a pain in the tush. The only good thing I can think of is the rain washes some of the pollen off of things. The silver lining was found. There we go. 

Mica Paris - Let Me Inside

Back To Writing

I promised myself two things: one is to keep working on the novel I started. The second is to upkeep my personal blog.  The personal blog always gets the short end of the stick, and since I'm procrastinating a little, I might as well get a blog post in.  

I must be fair. I did write a few hundred words this morning. I also started writing more while sitting out in the patio.  It's been cool, breezy, and rainy outside.  Since there was a chance that it would be bug-biting free for a short time, and I wanted a break from my laptop, I took to writing outside. I'm happy to collect myself, or refresh as the case may be, and get some things done.  

I did manage to write three paragraphs for the novel, so it isn't me 100% slacking off. I'd like to get a couple more paragraphs written while I'm outside to at least call what I'm doing more of a success. So my procrastinating allowed me to fulfill a promise as well as keep writing. Not bad for the first part of the day. 

Mellow Days

My head's not in the creative game today. It's rather disconcerting. Was hoping for some magic today in regards to writing. I feel a bit lost. I need to do something constructive. I need to be constructive. Perhaps another one word at a time day. This is like a bad shadow that looms too much. I will endeavor to keep marching through the woes. 

Today

I must write something today on this blog, so let's go. Applied to more jobs yesterday, and it's been impressive the amount of assessment tests many applications have.  Might as well go through them. It's just a phase to. Go through, like a bad game of time consumption for no other reason that someone said you should. 

Today is nice, minus the pollen, which I hate.  It coats everything and it's nasty. Of course, my allergies make things even more troubling. I hate that this has happened, but I gotta go through it all. Could be worse, I suppose. Pollen could be layered on the ground like snowfall. Then what the heck would any allergy sufferer do? 

No Title

I'm supposed to write something on this here post. Today I'm having cabbage, rice, and beef stew. It tastes good, and I know cause I had it yesterday. It should be even better today. I need to go write more, which I haven't done well at all. This post has some plus and fail moments. I dun not how to smoothe it out yet. I say this as I sip my tea. 

PRODUCTION UPDATE - Bee and PuppyCat: The Series

Today's Writing

Nearly forgot to write something here. It's gonna be a one word at a time post. Today. Watching Robocop 2 like its brand new to me. Not so brand new if I'm blogging while watching.  Maybe "comfort movie" is a better way to describe today's movie. Something blatantly satirical about this film that went over my head as a child, that I'm seeing now. A committee that wants a softer, kinder Robocop seems perverse and banal, yet it holds a little true. What an interesting moment in a film.  That and it predicted the bankruptcy of Detroit, and the hubris of corporate America's involvement in the degradation of states. 

BEGINNiNGS: Setting a Story in Motion

The Toxic Purge

One thing I do these days is remind myself negative thoughts are bad for my well-being, and counterproductive. They truly lower the enjoyment, and block creative juices, unless I find a way to channel negatives into a positive. I have yet to do that, and if it doesn't yield goodness and blessings, it has to be purged. So I banish negative thoughts from my mind. Don't need them to start my day. I'm praying for better quality of living and enjoyment of life. 

One Word At a Time

I need to do more writing on some of the concepts I came up with this week, and the ones I rediscovered and revised. This means sitting down and write out a few paragraphs. I need to put more effort behind these paragraphs, to help them grow. I don't mind a few lines at a time if it means a credible build to something promising. I'm gonna stay positive and focus on the things I do have power over. 

Scribbled Down Stuff

Yesterday I was looking for an old file for a concept I half-wrote down, and needed to get back to. I didn't find it on the computer. Only after I decided to leave the computer alone, and use my notepad did I see the notes scribbled down. I typed the notes, and made a file. I'm reminded I need to back up the file as planned. For that matter, I need to organize a lot of my concepts I do have files for, then back them up.

Dragon Age: Inquisition -- Discover the Dragon Age

Hello Again

I'm trying to get myself into gear with writing and managing my social media, so this is one attempt to get my Blogger page together. All it takes is five sentences to make a paragraph, and I think I can manage to type this.

To make a stronger topic for my blog, I wrote, and, submitted a story for consideration to e-publish via Amazon. I don't know if it'll be accepted, but I needed to make an effort to get something positive done in regards to prose writing. I'm always writing, but the prose suffered greatly, as I hit a stump, and refused to write it out. I was being timid, when I needed to be a lion.

It's been a mad few days of events that's left me frustrated, and feeling like I crashed into a wall repeatedly. That has left me thinking of how to do something while I try to recover from the stress. I need to keep myself doing things that offer me positive expressions.

The sky has opened some, and putting some effort into getting my writing back in shape is one of the things I'd like to do today. Hello again, Blogger. I want you to shine, like back in the day. Let me at least put the effort into the material. I know I may not get it at 100%, but I won't give up on you.

Revolutionary Girl Utena: Season 1: Ep. 7: Unfulfilled Jury

Happy Sad Songs and Sad Happy Songs (extended) (+playlist)

It's Been A While

It's been a long time since I've written on my personal blog. Today seems a better time than any. If it's one word at a time, then so be it. I feel optimistic about life. Perhaps because I'm writing more. Perhaps it's nature, and with the change of season leads to a prelude in my life of positive energy. I thank God for the positive feelings, and getting though any negative experiences. let's be honest, life can be unfair, trying, and upsetting as all get out. All anyone can do is endure, and keep trying to be a better person in the face of all adversities. Praying also helps.

So I've written something. A lot of something. I'm glad for it. Sometimes the non-posting seems like complete and utter silence, when it's not. Glad to be up and about today, and giving thanks for things that are good. this moment is good, and a blessing. Hopefully the clarification and inspiration shall last though out the day. I got a lot of writing I wish to do, and I need to get to it.

Have a good day.

Steven Universe Piloto 001 epis

Sleepy

Again I fail to write more.  Now that I have a few moments in the barber shop, ain't not time like the present. I'm tired. Up early and I needed to sleep.  I needed to look decen though. Hair got too wild. Can't look professional with this unruly hair. 

Speaking of hair, I noticed it's thinning. Eeeek! I don't want it to thin. Oh well. Can't fight this fact. A brother got to accept this change. For the moment at least. 

Writing with a Goal in Mind

A good friend helped me brainstorm an outline today. The main bulk of the techniques was to put forth ideas AND get them down on paper. It lead me to keep writing and finishing that outline. 

I later wrote out another concept and outline for that. Both are what I see as rough drafts. After they cool for a bit, I'll rewrite them to fit the screenplay format. It's good to have ideas and get them down on paper. Progress is a great thing even if it feels like baby steps. 

Promised myself five to seven outlines this week (ending on this upcoming Saturday). I even took a concept I wrote out on Sunday to use some of the techniques I developed to "tighten" the concept. I have three other outlines that could use this tightening as well. 

Late at Night

Again with the lateness. Watching Bride of Frankenstein when I should go to sleep, yet I'm awake. Old school horror has its charms. Surprisingly, the true villain is not creature, but men with desires to break the laws of nature. So I watch, and watch until I get sleepy. I'm not sleepy yet. 

Brain Powah

As I try to get stuf together, and by stuff, I mean thoughts, I can see it's not 100% working for me. I'm surrounded by silence and a persistent meh-ness. That's got to go. Writing and reading (not at the same time) but doing it nonetheless and my mind rejects it all. I feel like a mess. What I need is some sleep. That won't happen for another few hours but I am tired. Tired. 

Lazy Friday

Not doing much t the moment, which is good. Getting up was a bit rough today. I felt, after going to bed late, that I didn't need to get up. I was positive I'd get up like at 11:00 -12:00 PM. I'm not disappointed in my slowness.  I need to drink a bottle of water, which for some reason is out of grasp. I fail myself, sometimes, but I can fix this

Need to get something for dinner that's inexpensive, and simple.  About to break out the crock pot and make some lima beans and some rice.  I want to keep it easy, and lasts for a few days.  May look at smaller meals. I want something that I won't get bored with.

Forgive Me

Hadn't written a post in a hot minute, and that's fowl. I need to keep writing. Ice had this blog forever, and I owe it to myself to keep something fresh on here, or fail. There no failing in house Haynes, only temporary setbacks. Remember this as I survive the changes, weather the storms, and climb the mountains of struggle laid out before me. 

Been a Long Time

Time lapses once again before I post. I need to at lest show up, to show that I do care what I write. Maintaining two blogs has not been easy at all. However, in this moment before I get out of bed, I said to myself, "why not write something now."

I am semi tired and had a touch of meh in my day. Trying to win over my mood with relaxation and gaming. Even a hot bath didn't make me feel good. Weird dreams last night that kind of addressed confrontation, stakes, and suspense as themes. There were giant spiders, and i am not a fan of creepy crawlies. It made me anxious in the dream, yet I liked it. I awoke with it still strong in my mind. 

Dragon Age: Inquisition Coverage Trailer - Game Informer

Quick and Dirty

Trying to get myself together while looking over old material. Noticed that I had some ideas in my notepad, and a short story to complete. I need to get that first draft of the story done. It's far better to see on paper completed, than what I imagined. 

I did come to a tense and dark part of the story that involves kidnapping. I needed to let it be for a short while, and now the story's staring at me. Daring me to complete it. For a short story, this one's demanding a lot. I like that. If I gotta take it one word at a time, I better get in top of it. 

Tuesdays

I'm up and about now, and its too early. I'm still not a morning person. Now that I'm up, I gotta get myself together or face being miserable. Perhaps I need some green tea for energy. I feel like a hot mess. Time has got to change my perspective for the day. 

Late

It's late and I haven't written in a while. Since I'm awake, and I want a decent paragraph or two here, met me put something down. I so want this night to be peaceful and calm. Sipping peppermint tea as I try to cozy up to dreamland. Not sleepy yet and I wonder what the deal is with my sleep pattern. 

Late Night Post

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. Time for bed. I wrote out ideas for a treatment on paper no less. No typing available at the time. Loved coming home and loafing like a champ. Wish I could loaf some more, but I'm in bed loving this cause a nap is in my immediate future. This post was not as short as I thought, and not bad either. 

Have a good night and be happy. Time for some Thundarr the Barbarian and dreamland. 

Dinner Break

Just ate a twice baked potato, and in the back of my head, I'm saying, "I can improve the current recipe." When I made it yesterday, it was more of an experiment based on seeing a show do them. I went for simple as I used two potatoes, and I really wanted to keep it with only two. 

Maybe next week I may retry this. For now its great, and I love what I made. Now sitting back allowing my food to digest and I need to drink more water. Took a few swallows before this sentence. 

Was thinking of Shakespeare earlier as I shelf read, and decided to look up more on him. It brought me back to my undergrad days where I studied several of his works in British Lit and theater classes. It was great. I love my liberal arts background. It makes me feel a little sexier. Yeah, it does.I'm grateful for the experience. 

Off to chillaxing a bit more and listening to Faith Evans songs.

Laundry Day

Gotta get my laundry done and bows the perfect time to get off my duff, into a 24hr laundry shop and get it done. Hadn't written a damn thing this morning, and spent fart too much time at the teller to get the coins for the machine.

Someone already asking me for "change," like its free and shit. Sometimes I forget my money isn't about me, it's about the other person, and to hell if I don't finish my laundry, right? So wrong. If I gotta get out and work for this little bit in my pocket, I don't see why others don't.  Always something going on. 

Kids are about and suing and I wonder if this is always the norm, or are the parents taking for granted the kids are safe rolling a cart around this small ass space and one of them crying when he can't push by himself? Thank God for iTunes and an iPhone. 

Simple and Sweet

I need to get writing, and one of the first paths to writing today shall be this warm-up blog post.  I have a schedule to put together, then I can get to reviewing some notes, and adding more to it.  Also I have other projects I'd like to tackle or address in some form.  Sometimes I wonder if I can get this stuff done, however I feel that I'm on the right path, so there shall be no losses, only gains.

Found some notes I typed and some files on the laptop I'd like to address soon.  I however need to take on the three projects in front of me. Two is pushing my limits, and the third one is on my mind, so I'd like to put what I'm thinking down on paper.  Some stuff is simply too good not to pay attention to. Here's to putting more effort to the things I want out of life. This is difficult, but at the same time, not impossible.

Game of Stacy

I'm not keeping up with my blog again. Nearly fell asleep while watching Game of Thrones (hence the title), but I found myself intrigued, I stayed awake. Still watching now. I love to hear the exchanges between the characters. I remember when I first saw this show. Hooked on the first episode. 

So this is my late night post that I should be watching cause it takes my eyes slightly off the television. Still I write it. This is what I get for not writing my post earlier. In the game of Stacy, you win, or you post when it strikes you. 

More Delays

Well, I slowed down near completely with my blog. I embarrass myself as someone who likes to write a lot. That's not to say I haven't been writing, because I have. Let me apologize in advance is the auto correct remixes my text. That wasn't my plan at all.

I find myself sitting in an auto repair shop and not paying mind to the tv that's on. I like that its on History Channel, which is a pleasant conversion from the shitty talk shows that was on the last time I was here (Maury, anyone).

In regards to writing I got my screenplay to draft four. I feel this would have never happens if I didn't keep writing. Also need to enjoy my day. It's raining (lightly) but that's not a bad thing. I'm up early when I kinda want to lay on my couch and watch Forbidden Planet for the umpteenth time. Yeah, it's dorky, but its my thing.

Laters. Take care, and keep your head up.

Memento

Today was one of those days where I'been sluggish since getting up.  So sluggish I couldn't find the remote to turn on the TV and the thought of scouring for it meant being fully awake. Not my kinda morning. Had a heavy dinner last night (lima beans and rice), and I should have guessed that I was gonna sleep like a damn rock, and feel like I want to sleep till 1:00 PM (now).

I also, as sluggish as this day is, noticed an interesting memento that needed to do. It was an old calendar that hung on the fridge. I couldn't remember how long it was there, but then I saw the date-2011. Time to get rid of that energy and old memories.  I ripped it to shreds and threw it away.  Up to this point I never knew why I didn't pay any mind to this calendar. I saw it every day and yet I still didn't "see" it. 

The calendar's in the garbage, and I see this disposal as a symbolic and cathartic change of direction. The future is open to all us, and I need to be able to move from where I was, and into a wonderful new options. It held me back in ways and it was such a simple thing to destroy and throw away.   

Chillaxing

IU found I needed to give my mind a rest, but while I was stuck in a video game world, I didn't feel like I was resting. It sounds silly, as I don't mind getting lost in games from time to time, BUT I wasn't writing, and I always feel like writing gets the short change for the bulk of the day, which annoys the heck outta me.  I know I can write more if I do what needs to be done, and stop being a fool about what's important to me.

Perhaps writing isn't important. Perhaps it's too painful and difficult for me to perceive and master.  perhaps I don't have what it takes to be a good enough person to comprehend all the damn nuances that writing can bring to my life. I'd then say that I'm a real hot mess who has never taken himself serious enough to take control of things I need to take control of.  It's too easy to surrender to despair.  It's too easy to give up and walk away. It's certainly too easy to get lost in games and forget that I should be doing more.

This is not to deny myself any gaming time. For as long as I have interest in games, I will continue to play them.  I need some structure in my activities, cause me time can be games, reading, watching movies/TV shows, writing, more writing, and keeping up with them all. In fact, I should always be writing, and daily. Who cares if it isn't slick or polished.

Anywho, since I pulled away from the game room, I can sit with my laptop and start with the blog post as a my warm-up. The night shall be better.  Life shall be richer. A LOT of things are looking up and better.

Vanity

Thinking about how good I should look and present myself to the world.  been slacking off in the clothes department, and I could stand to buy a few more outfits.  Even though I hate khakis, I have a lot of them, and I want to look sharper than I do. So where is this budget wardrobe gonna come from? I have no idea, but as always I will work a lot of things out. I dunno.

Speaking of my vanity, my congestion isn't up and leaving. That's not what I need to happen. It needs to get the hell outta my life before it causes me any more grief.

Kitchen Drama

Went to the sink to get a pot, and the sink is filled with dirty dishes.  I immediately felt intimidated, and tempted to run away from it all.  Avoidance is a great strategy, or so I wanted to believed. Still, I needed to make something to eat. I made a bargain with myself. I'll simply clean the pot I want, and leave the other stuff for later. So I moved all the dirty dishes to one side of the sink, and left one side open for me to clean the pot. I put some dishwashing liquid in the pot and filled it with water. Then I said to myself, why not clean that fork over there, then the cups, then the bowls, and plates. Soon I had washed everything.

My Love for You, My Blog

I shame myself when I don't post at least seven times in a month. It happens to me. I loose my path, but I always find my way back home.

Supposed to be reading, so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Work is good. Life is good. Finances need a lot of work, but it is solvable, which brings me hope. Soon I'll tear bend cause when one is full of hope, that's what one does. At least I got to make an Avatar based joke. Does me good.

Off to reading. Don't ask. Haven't decided on what yet.

Write More, Darn It

Slowly getting used to my work schedule, and my sleep times, which means I get to write more. Now to pick a topic as my mind goes BLANK. Not doing much at the moment.  My brain froze.  I need to eat: Beef and brocholi for brunch. What can I say, it's good, I feel good, and I love it.  No coffee today. maybe some green tea for energy. Must remember to bring some hot tea to work as well.  or at least a couple of tea bags. 

One of the Halloween films is on Syfy (Halloween H20 Twenty Years Later). Watching a portion of it, slightly interested.  Mainly trying to see how the beginning of act one is established.  Sometimes my curiosity leads to the completion of watching a film. Sometimes it doesn't get past this point.  Meal time.  

My Poor Blog

My poor blog is starving for some attention and posts, so this is one attempt at posting today. I'm chillaxing, and I need to drink a couple more bottles of water because I really need to. Got my eyes on Law & Order with a storyline about an actress buying/adopting an African baby, only to have him die in her care, and she fakes he's still alive by adopting her former assistant's baby. Of course the legal and crime aspects make this story more twisted in a typical L&O style. To me, it could almost become a very dark comedy.

It's Been A While

I should update this page far more often. As I have this lovely day free, it's time to get a few things done. For one I'm feeling a need for breakfast. I do need to go to the grocery store, but I'm looking at this differently. I need to save some money as my last outing was far more expensive than I initially planned, and that's never good.

Looking to put more time into blogging in a way that feels good to me. Also thinking about going back to grad school, which makes me feel even better. I miss my education, and would LOVE to see and do more activities related to classes.

Writing's going steady. Been writing a lot this week, and I'd love to see these stories with a completed first draft. Also had some dreams last night.  Some of them need elaborating upon. Wrote down a line for the first chapter of this story. Who knows where it's going.

This is Today

Man, been getting up early this week. I'm not tired though. Surprisingly no coffee to keep me moving. I needed to get in gear without too much stimulants. Writing is a must, and when I get myself more free time I can get my productivity up.

Home For My Holidays

Well, well, what I have I got myself into? As I cook for this Christmas, it's the first one not spent with my family, so it's of a mixed feeling.  I LOVE spending time with my family, which is far more valuable than spending money. I suppose this year is the long distance thing. There's always room for trying new things, right? Long distance isn't unbearable, or terrible. I still love my family.

I have to get some things done today, BUT I realized as I cooked for myself yesterday that I was too busy.  It was a lot of work to get things done, and I didn't write much.  However, I really liked cooking.  It was a different. I intended to write on the side, but that couldn't happen between the meals.  I loves a good meal.

Well all I have to do today is make some stuffing. It's a box recipe, and I wish I bought the baking kind, but I didn't so I guess I foot work with what I got. I also need to make myself some breakfast. Breakfast is tasty, and I feel the need to have some energy going on.  It's that or I eat a cupcake as a piss poor starter meal and a slice of pecan pie. Real horrible breakfast.

Today's current DVD is The Dark Knight. Why?  Hadn't looked at it in a while. It's also better than what I saw on TV earlier, which was nothing of interest.  It's either this or shut the TV off completely. A Brother has choices.

Merry Christmas, all!

Friday

It's time to enjoy that it's Friday, and while maximum loafing shall be held off till later I'm happy that it is near. So I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. However I'm gonna take the day and kick it in the butt. I need for this day to be a bit mellow, so I'm a be passionate about it being so.

Sleep and Writing

I would like to say that I'm editing a short story after getting some feedback from my writing peeps. I got the feedback, made some notes, but my mind is elsewhere. It happens sometimes and quite frankly it means to get more sleep.

Perhaps later on I should do something else. Play video games, read a book, watch a movie or two. I'm simply not in a place to be creative. I'm stubborn today. I guess that's cool that I am putting forth the drive. I I was being lazy I think I'd be wasting my day.

Sleep has been off this week. Sometimes I'm acing it, other times I've stayed up too late and I can't get enough sleep. Also my congestion and sinuses are acting out simultaneously. I have to deal with the crappy congestion, which intake meds for, the. The sinus pressure pops up today which tells me that I need a second med.

Regardless of this meh-ness, I'm positive things shall work out. Good luck and blessings to all.

Today

Naturally since I needed to get up and get a haircut, I didn't want to get up.  Fixed that by getting up, and doing what needed to be done, and getting that haircut.  Now I'm tired, and may take a seat in the comfy chair and chillax or doze off cause quite frankly, I'm not interested in doing much. I could stand to clean up some more, but that ain't gonna happen either.

In a bit of a parody/satire mode of creativity that comes and goes. I feel like making mischief, which I wonder if it's related to my tiredness. Perhaps it is but I just wanna do stupid things that don't hurt nobody, unless you hate parodies and satire then it may hurt you. I think I'll live with that. I must keep up with my muse, even when it's condescending, scornful, sarcastic, flippant, and outright silly.  Odds are it's none of those things. I just think it is.

As I type this I'm contemplating turning the TV on, but I really don't want it on, yet every veg out state needs it on as I get lost in something. I need coffee.    

Slacking Off

I need more posts here.  Late is the hour and I'm tapped out of thoughts at the moment.  Tomorrow involves a haircut, provided I wake up on time, and do what must be done. Not feeling the TV being on, and this new deodorant smells good, and like a dunce I'm like who smells so fresh. Sometimes I'm the hot mess I never start out to be within the course of the night.  Here's to a new topic.

Blah

Hanging out and trying to get back into a creative outlook. Didn't do much today in regards to reading or writing, so that's a big boooo to that. The day is still ongoing so I won't discount any chance of a second wind.

Is sure music will improve my outlook so I put on a playlist. Never mind I feel tired after devouring more turkey. I may have inadvertently cooked my own goose trying to get myself together and filling my belly.

Mr Mopey

I'm feeling mopey and it feels good. I so, however need to get something to eat, chillax and try to keep the mopey on the positive level.

National Novel Writing Month

Well five days into November and I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. It's quite the challenge to write daily, and leave the material be, and keep moving onto the next parts.  I can tell you it's very disjointed, and I feel like it's a mess.  it reminds me of when I drew or painted something how it looks so far away and incomplete.  Finally it takes form after hours of work. In this case after a month what I'll have a HUGE mess, and  will have to leave it be to cool down and revise afterwards.  But what I will have is a novel.

It may mean nothing at all, it may never go anywhere, but it will have one draft done. It's got a science fiction and fantasy vibe, but it also has this surreal and psychedelic aspects. I kinda think it shall have some horror aspects, but its early in the game.

Today

Today is about a haircut. I'm happy to get out out of bed and get things done today. I'm gonna be writing something later on today. Revisions are both a challenge and a joy.

Been neglecting this blog a lot so I'm happy to get a moment to write a few lines now. I'm tempted to go back to bed when I get home, but that ain't happening.

Intimidation Factors

Working on revising a short story, and nothing gets to me like the anxiety of re-approaching written material.  So I'm looking at a hand edited piece of work with fear and nervousness.  Needless to say the fear is unwarranted, and I know I'm going to tackle the material regardless. Still there was this moment where I looked at the story and felt afraid to touch it.

No this story ain't too precious to revise.  I just found myself having a fear that should go away soon, because one of my goals is to get this story published. Also have a second  story to get to the writing group for critique and get that feedback. Sometimes this is just a phase and phobia that dissipates into the ether.  If I have to have a stare down with the material I will.

I wanna look back and laugh at myself for this moment. It shall pass. It's telling me to go preoccupy my mind with other things till I get myself off the anxiety.  A little gaming perhaps.  A trip to the D laugh at myself for this?

Getting Up and Doing Things

Didn't really want to get up today, but I needed to do some laundry.  I feel like I needed to get this done and then I can relax a bit.  Doing laundry early means I don't have to deal with it at the last moment and possibly throwing myself all over the place to get crap done.  Didn't even wait for the alarm to go off this morning. Damn. Then again I was in bed my midnight. How I hate beating myself to the punch.  Who you supposed to hating on?

Hating on oneself seems a bit futile. It's not like you can punch yourself in the face. Well you could, but that's stupid. Could you press charges against yourself?  I bet that'd be something. Take that to trial.  You'd have to simultaneously defend and prosecute yourself. Ah duality. It keeps the world in conflict, and the people with rage against themselves. Sorta like Darth Vader, but zero force powers, lightsaber, or Deathstar.  If you can't have the cool stuff that comes  with being Vader, why bother with the hate? Let go of your anger.      

My lesson for this early morning. Nothing beats freshly washed and dried pairs of undies. Make them so fresh, you have to slap them before you put them on for being so damn cheeky. Also smiling helps me out a whole lot.  Not forced smiles. Being able to laugh and help others laugh makes me feel good.  Much love and blessings to all, and I pray things go smoothly for y'all.

Dreams and Goals

Now's the time to think about how I need to improve myself as a person and as a working man.  I really need to buckle down and get a lot done with the precious time I do have free of any upsets. It does require me to dig deeper and getting to meet myself at happiness, satisfaction, and true security.  I don't feel like I'm anywhere there yet, but I'm off to a start, which is better than nothing at all.  So I need to keep writing and I need to stay focused. I have a few projects lined up and I NEED to see those continually worked upon.

Unemployment Sucks Part 50: Closure

My Unemployment Sucks series comes to an end today.  Not because I'm 100% over all the havoc unemployment wrought into my life, but having a job means looking at things different, and perhaps starting a new series to reflect my progress. I shared a lot on my writing blog, Several Deadly CINEs on how my creativity went all wonky, and how a shift in perspective and experiences brings me to a new chapter. New chapters in life mean new ideas, stories, and the potential for new possibilities.

Life's a process, not so smooth of and endeavor to get back to a healthy balance, but that started when I didn't want to give up on working or living.  Enduring is more than difficult and it took twelve months to get something going. I'm taking this moment to thank God, family, and friends for their support and belief in me as well as the reminders to get back up and get things done.  

So I got to end my series on an even number.  Don't know if that's OCD of me or not.  It does mean I got to settle some things on my terms, which I feel fantastic about. I went through a lot of changes, but at best I know that not a year in exile could take away from me the things that mattered the most. The best stayed with me.  The worse fell by the wayside and went away.

Unemployment Sucks Part 49: Part of the Game

NOTE: Even though I'm employed now, there are a lot of loose ends to settle, and I'm hoping to wrap this series up at post 50.  Still so many things to do and on day four of employment. So let's take this from today:

I informed the peeps in the unemployment office that I did find employment, and gave info last week as per their instructions. So on last Saturday I got a letter in the mail that needed clarifying in regards to my unemployment benefits.

This meant getting up early today and attending to meeting the unemployment peeps. I am not a morning person and feel a need for a nap. I gonna need to stay awake. May need coffee this morning. I'd like to think I'd make it without the coffee, as it does mess with my congestion but this needs some, and I'll be taking some precautions and staying alert for congestion flare ups (as of now no flare ups - so it didn't hurt me - still gonna drink water behind it to keep the flare up from showing up late).  

As i started writing this post, I got a call to see the rep, and with a few clicks of her mouse, the issue was resolved. I was like wow, that's amazing. I literally got out if bed, didn't sleep late cause I wanted this taken care of, and it took less than a minute. This means I spent more time in my car than I did in the office, and it reminds me that I'm gonna sleep late tomorrow. Hopefully NO ONE needs me up early. If they do, I will answer the call, but I'm due a late morning and I intend to collect.

Unemployment Sucks Part 48: And Then I Got A Job

Never giving up, having support, and simply enduring paid off for me.  I have a job.  For me this is the start of a positive direction, and gets better as time progresses.  Since this is something good for me, I'd like to dwell on this goodness, and thank God and everyone who supported me with will wishes, encouragement, and all around positive energy.  So on a bittersweet note I put the Unemployment Sucks series to rest.  Such a good series as I had to make a gang of adjustments.  I'm not at 100%, but better to get underway with progress, than to be in limbo.

Here's to enduring, surviving, good support from family and friends, and keeping the faith. Now I get to do my happy dancing!!!

Unemployment Sucks Part 47: The Interview

I had an interview a week ago, and so far I'm waiting for a response as to yay or nay.  Ah the pins and needles part of the process.  Job hunting has it's peaks and valleys.  I'm simply pleased the ball's rolling.  As I said before trying to live off unemployment is too rough of an experience.  It's not enough, and I'm better off with a decent job that pays the bills. Otherwise I'd cry, cry, and cry. Well I'm excited, to say the least. Hey if there's a chance of getting to my goals, there there's hope of success.

Yeah, kinda mushy in sentiment, but that's what I need.  Some good ole mushy feelings and goodness to spread around. Thankfully a friend gave me some good mojo and people expressed a lot of well wishes, so for better or worse, at least I have people that want me to succeed, and have good wishes for me.  So as I love the well wishes, part of the reason i'm being looked at is at the very least is my skills being in-demand. I'm praying for success.

Writing's been a challenge this week.  not due to the interviews, but my mind was more than distracted. I was supposed to publish this post sooner, and forgot it was in draft.  Now I'm cleaning it up and making it look a bit more full.  Today I'm going to look over some jotted notes on a concept.  I hate when I go to bed and have ideas.  I typed it all into my notes application.  it seems inspiration hit me.  Then sleep hit me.  At the very least I have part of today's post completed.  Adding to it on;y makes the pot more savory.

Unemployment Sucks Part 46: Visiting The DMV

It's about that time I renew my driver's license, and I put that off for so long.  yesterday I went to the DMV to make this happen.  I knew it took verification, BUT didn't have it all together.  I needed my birth certificate, SS card, the old license, and two proofs of residency, which was a utility billy and/or my voter's registration paperwork. I only had one utility bill.  Fortunately for me the voter's registration was like on the back of the building.  I had to go to there and verify my info, then return to the DMV.  All done.

Need to clean the apartment.  it looks a mess, as it always does.  I want to at least make the living room look presentable. I'm like meh at the moment. I know better.  Sometimes I feel like I'm 22 and in college again. Like it's cool to be indifferent to all this mess.  Let's start on my dining room table, and get that into shape, then work my way around some other staff, like my printer area.  Mess, mess, mess.

Slacked off on the writing again, but sometimes I feel like not writing.  Still hoping for a job, and while yesterday provided a lot of good things, including a friend's good wishes so it's time to make stuff happen.

Is today the first day of fall?  Hadn't looked outside but I'd love to see the summer weather cool down.

Unemployment Sucks Part 45: Like a Boomerang

Looking at improving my day and I realize I'm not writing well. For me this is odd. Did I drink enough water, or eat enough?  All I'm getting is a few sentences out of me, which may mean I need to stop writing and chillax. Promised myself to limit my social media interaction (meaning Facebook, which I live on) in order to get things done, and I'm finding when I turn on the computer all I want to do is goof off and not write. It's far more easier to goof off than write. Writing requires thought and my poor mind doesn't want to work.

I do know that I'm writing this "starter" paragraph and allowing it to cool off, then coming back to add and revise. Perhaps that's the writing lesson for today, to write something briskly, and return like a boomerang. Since I prayed about getting my writing in order, among other things, I feel a need to write more than what I have.  I'm feeling there's nothing to say, and waiting for inspiration, however the reason I started this series on my blog was my unemployment. Is that not an ongoing topic?

Well today was like several of the others. I still have my life and health. My finances could use some level up powers or Viagra to get it up. I'm still the man 'cause in spite of going all emo, I'm getting stuff written. I made some personal goals today I want to jump on. That means pushing more story out and believing that I can get this damn post to my typical standards. It's not like potential and opportunities went completely away.

A little known fact is that I revise several of my posts before and after I publish them. It means I need to get better at writing.  BTW I have all these ideas I told myself to jot down, and went off goofing on Facebook. In that case I sabotaged myself. That's not what I need right now. I need to get myself together once more. I got a lot of work to do and only I can get it done. No time to be scared of what could be, cause what have now isn't much.

Unemployment Sucks Part 44: Bust Dat Move

Been laying low from writing, like I can't do it, which is a HUGE mistake.  If there's anything that I do well, it's creativity, and I've put off my creativity for some time now.  Been feeling low, but now that reason's entered my mind again, it's time to handle my biz and make do with what I have in front of me, and getting over myself (again).  I need to get my head back in the game, cause the truth is only I can do what needs to be done for my welfare. If it means tracking down job leads, writing, hell, singing telegrams, I gotta do what needs to be done to make living worth a damn.

Job hunting did yield some fruit from the vine, but I'm keeping this under my hat until it pans out completely.  You will hear me sing if it works out.  I'm a leave it be because it's something that's out of my hands. I trust in my skills and persona, and that's all one can do.  No more doubt on this part.  Getting things done is the priority.

Writing hasn't been a pain, it's just that I've been real lazy and loving the laziness. I could and should do better for myself.  Granted I felt a bit low on some days, and I do take pen to paper, but I know I need to do more.  I seem to be distracting myself with goofing off, gaming, and all the freedoms I didn't have.  Well this can't keep going.  Where does the creativity go if I don't use it? It seems like a waste of energy, so I best get myself in gear.

I have to be honest, this page was two paragraphs, and I felt like it wasn't good enough to post.  It felt weak, like I wasn't putting effort into the mix.  That's changed, and now I feel better about writing this without wondering what the hell was wrong with me.  Sometimes inspiration, procrastination, and creativity get wrapped up into one for me.  Need to keep writing.  I'm a mess.

Unemployment Sucks Part 43: My Mean Seasons

NOTE: I wrote this post a few days ago, got upset, and feared even publishing it. I suppose truth hurts, and I'm not perfect.  Sometimes my days don't go well.  It's true I never give up,yet at the same time there needs to be some time where I acknowledge the pain of being unemployed.

One of the reasons I didn't want to post it is cause truth hurts, and I needed to to take a look at myself.  I also feared the truth, which there was no need to.  Also after saying it I wondered if I should put this out not because it does make me feel vulnerable and week.  I thought about it.  This is where unemployment brought me, and I did say it sucks, so why am I hiding it now?  This is my reality.

***
Let's be honest, I'm not happy right now.  I'm trying to get myself together, and after nearly a year of application submitting, seminars, and resume building, I still don't have a job. My interviews have been sparse and I do mean sparse. No I'm not giving up on finding a job, but damn this is a struggle.  When I leave my home I'm reminded I don't have anything, and of course I'm upset.  I haven't been without a job like this since I started being gainfully employed many, many years ago.  Now I'm stressed, tired, frustrated, and upset.  I've likely made myself annoying to others about talking about being unemployed and how I became unemployed. My unhappiness became others unhappiness. That's not what I want for my life, nor is that what I want to give to others.  

Discussing unemployment does wear down on me, but at the same time how can I not discuss it? Quite frankly unless my status changes I'm going to have nothing.

NOTE 2: After I wrote this I noticed a change in me.  Perhaps my frustration went out with this post. I simply don't know.  I do know that I wanted to watch more movies, go outside and enjoy a causal drive. I wrote more fiction after months of feeling like my negative emotions ruled my thoughts. I was being unfair to myself, and in that unfair to all around me.  Also I don't want my life to feel like a sandpit.  Things aren't working the way I planned, but if my energy shifted from negative to positive only good things can follow.

It's going to take some work to get myself completely away from the negative mode, but I'm more than willing to start looking for the doors that opened to me as the old ones closed.  It's been some mean seasons, but into my life change must come.  How I handle change is up to me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 42: Labor Day Weekend

Since I did one blog post already, it's time for a second, and possible third. It's a Labor Day weekend and I'm laying low. Quite frankly with little money at my disposal why not lay low? Why not prepare a simple meal for dinner and enjoy the peace and quiet of this time? I'm gonna make some spaghetti. As luck would have it I have Italian sausage in my freezer to thaw out and use.

Not having money sucks, but I'm focusing on the positive. For example I was inspired with a story and worked on the first draft last night. It was a step in a positive direction to free my mind of negativity and otherwise depressing thoughts. Loving the idea that inspiration takes me places higher than where I am now. The mood lift and inspiration is a blessing and a good thing to keep me moving.

Hadn't been outside but it looks hot. The sun's shining like it wants to be seen and heat us up. For me that means stay indoors and write stuff. I'm obeying my instinct. I do have some writing to develop and I can't do that outside. I can sweat and say, "I should be inside" if I go play outdoors. I got plenty to keep me busy and hopefully produce some results.

Unemployment Sucks Part 41: Hello Again Ugh

Y'all ever had that "ugh" feeling.  That feeling like you don't want to be bothered with anything cause it all feels like "ugh." It doesn't make sense, it annoys me, it makes me want to get away from it, and I don't even have the energy to move past ugh.  Ugh can be that person who doesn't leave once the movie's over, and really wants to loaf about, on your BACK. Ugh would lay on my head, if I could support it that way.  Ugh you bastard.  Get away from me.

Well, today I rolled out of bed, and I felt aimless. Hello ugh. I'm expecting a few calls and need to make some soon, as well as job hunt.  In other words, It's time to pull myself together. I need to finish the bottle of water on the table next to me.  I got a little tea happy yesterday, so I need more water.  I had a few sips here and there, but I need to complete the whole thing for starters.  I'll refill the bottle and drink more.

The weather outside has that semi-sunny feel, so I'm guessing rain's in the future as it was yesterday.  Needless to say it's about to get gloomy, and that can ruin a good day.  I'm all about not getting gloomy, and yes, between pauses I drank more water. I suspect my mood will lift once I get some more writing and reading done.  I need to have my mind filled.  Also need to relax. Enjoy this day.  Allow myself not to be overwhelmed by outside influences.  Must feed brain with knowledge.  

This may be the perfect day to write and be happy about writing.  I'm not doing much of anything else.  My mind needs stimulation, so perhaps I'll work on my screenplay.  if not I'll be sitting here sipping on a bottle of water cause I know better, and I shouldn't let that Ugh feeling beat up on me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 40: My New Sedentary Lifestyle

About to have my tea and chillax a bit, but I'm leaving the TV off for a short while.  Why?  Between job hunting and writing i find myself watching more and more television and not in a good way.  I've been watching so-called reality shows, talk shows, and all sorts of news programs.  While I like informative shows, sometimes that shit is as negative as all get out. I've placed in my psyche unnecessary drama that seems harmless until my brain processes that I've wasted my time. That's not what I'm about.

Yesterday was the final straw when trying to watch Dr. Phill I got so irritated with the couples struggling to stay together and be apart at the same time.  I was under the impression that they LOVE the drama and tension.  It irked me, and I eventually turned the TV, BUT nothing like that should be working my nerves. I'm job hunting.  I don't have a job!!!  Somehow I'm engrossed in shit like this and while I love a good distraction, I feel like I put my time energy in the wrong shows.

If I want a drama I have a LOT of good choices to pick from.  There's more to do with my time.  Even when I'm gaming and sitting, I have more satisfaction from the events.  I need to keep this aspect of my defenses active.  When I worked.  None of the negative got in. I didn't have time for it. I need to make sure I keep it going in that direction.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 39: Job Searchin'

For those not in the know, to keep receiving unemployment benefits, it requires me to constantly look for and report jobs, which I do.  Today is no different and I need to make sure I scout some leads down and see what I can do in order to get myself productive. While it seems easy and anyone can scout a job (which they can), getting an interview's proven to be tricky as well. It's time to reexamine the resume and make sure it says what it needs to in order to get my foot in the door.

I'm hoping to do at least one film essay per week to keep myself going in regards to my cinema blog.  last week was the Dark Knight Returns.  This week was updating my Catwoman post.  I have a few more in draft, and some others I'm going to write something on, or started notes on.  The goal is to push myself back into writing things I love to do do. This should keep me busy and happy.  Let's keep things moving.

It's been a trying week as I put some things together, and some things seem to fall apart.  Thank God for small favors as things simply fell into place today.  All it took was a little patience, and not reacting first and thinking it over. Crisis averted and then things work better. It means relax.  For the record I've been feeling the need to write again, and that's aways good.  Got some essays I have yet to complete, BUT they're a page long, which is more than enough for a blog post.  let's see where they lead.  Both of them I feel a need to hold onto for revisions.  I'm positive I'll have a better post for both soon.      

Unemployment Sucks Part 38: Sundaze

It's a Sunday and I told myself to get out of the house for a drive, and I did that.  Of course while on the road I had all sorts of thoughts I couldn't write down because I was driving, but I'd have to remember them for when I returned home. Decided that I'm not having my Sunday latte mainly cause I drank too much sweet tea yesterday and that would lead to a caffeine OD. The detox part is murder.  I need to drink a couple more bottles of water just the same. Love my drinks, but moderation balances me out.  Did I mention it was hot outside.  Savannah is all sorts of muggy and it always feels like it's flattening me as well as making me sweat.  

I got new tires last year, but I'm a bit worried about having to replace them, cause if i do, where's that money coming from?  I don't have it.  I just overspent for repairs to the battery and alternator that were quite ugly to my bank account.  It hurts to think about this, but one can't turn away.  Bills need to be paid, and thinking of my future is more than important.  You never know with cars and repairs today doesn't prevent another issue.  Will keep it in mind, and allow it to pass.  No need to panic for something that hasn't happened.

Needed to be more creative yesterday, but I found myself with a headache and neck pain.  It's been part stress and part bad sleeping.  At least today there was no neck pains, which made it perfect for driving.  it's that nasty ache that won't go away and I feel like it takes forever for medicine to kick in.  Also congestion please go away.  I need to drink more water for sure at this point.  I hate that feeling in the back of my throat.  When I get insurance again I'm having this check out cause there MUST be a way to be done with this.  It's time to keep on writing, so much luck, love, and success to those striving.

Unemployment Sucks part 37: Thinking Commercial

It's been nearly a year since I was unjustly terminated from my job, and job hunting's been moving up and down a scale that doesn't seem to fare better.  I write, and I write some more. That too has gone up and down.  Been submitting applications and my resume left and right to no avail.  it seems I'm overqualified for some jobs, and under-qualified for others. It's taking it's sweet time, but I eat, sleep, and breath this wrongful termination, and it's affected every aspect of my life.

This is not to say my life's over.  If so I may as well stop blogging now and wait for the end to happen.  Why face a setback (not defeat) by giving up. I choose to endure, suffer, sacrifice, and withstand all the negativity.  Why?  Because I know things happen for a reason.  There's a time and place for things. I also know in the end I will succeed and be in a better place than I was and am now.  I worked hard to succeed.  I built my success through my hard work and efforts.  They've brought me to this point, and deep within my soul I know this is not where the story ends.  God willing, as my soul speaks, I will find a better path than I followed.

Been laying low (not blogging) as I contemplate my next moves on how to survive.  Of course the bills are due, and the crunch of it all is ever present and dangeously looming over me.  Noticed the smell of bread's been nauseating me.  That's not a good sign, but it didn't make me sick when I had a slice of it.  May need to to start keeping a food diary so I can see what works or not.  it may simply be this brand of bread.  Makes note to self to switch brands in the future when I run short.

Creative wise I've been stressed, BUT I got the feeling I'm back on the right track, which doesn't mean resting.  It means putting more efforts into actions, like keeping up with my blog, and writing more and more.  It also means that in spite of all woes I must never give in or up.  If I have to write a post and leave it in draft mode cause it's too short, then that's what I have to do.  Even bum days should produce five sentences.  Revising is my friend.

Thinking commercial refers to how and what I write. I tend to write stories that appeal to my inner silliness, which may or may not appeal to an audience. Part of making successful (selling) stories is how others respond to the material.  Another part of my writing is my sense of humor.  Humor usually comes off well (people laugh).  Needless to say IF I can make people laugh perhaps I AM thinking of my audience since I love to hear laughter and to laugh.

So I think what's next is to make sure I at least will laugh at my own concepts, and perhaps test them on a few close friends. I'm such a creative goofball so it won't hurt to go for laughs. Not that all my ideas are strictly humorous.  I'm not always goofy, and in fact, can be downright serious and no-nonsense when it comes to my outlook on life.  Like I mentioned many times before, giving up on life and my goals/dreams is not an option.

Unemployment Sucks Part 36: Gotta Bust Dat Move

Today was all about feeling the woes of being unemployed. Let me say that this past year does have a very nasty, depressive side to it. Sorta like a hairy ass that looks like shag carpet, and unwashed for a month.  Can you imagine the funk?  Good cause that's how I felt.  A lot of changes came while I was unemployed.  I lost my aunt, my grandmom became ill, and things seemed to come to a big, screeching halt. I say seemed, cause the world kept on moving along with me.  

So let's reflect on my morning. I got up feeling empty and ready for another round of searching for jobs, and tasting that agony of unjust termination.  Part of me wanted to sit back and just hang out on the couch with that funk. The funk wraps me like a big, coat made of nasty ass hair. Funk owned me and colored my world.  This is not how I'm supposed to live, and damn it, that's not gonna happen!

A brother needed to be over the woes as they clouded and crowded my brains and turned my creative output to nil. I told myself to get over that, and here I am writing a new blog post.  That Debbie Downer mood I was going through.  I had to send that bitch packing.  Yes it sounds simple to say, "get over it." Who else could say that to me and their opinion matters more? Who's gonna love me more than me? If I don't start with me, well then I'm lost, and deserve to go sit back on the couch with my pity party.

Today ain't perfect, but I'm putting my foot down against me allowing myself to sulk.  If I gotta put my emotions to the side and get shit done, or smooth them fuckers out, then that's what's gonna happen.  Maybe I can channel them emotions into something good. I know I'm not sulking or wearing the asshair coat anymore.  Maybe there's a lesson here about smoothing out my emotions, my thoughts, my soul.  Things shall work out because the world never stopped moving and I will be free of all things that try to constrain me.

Unemployment Sucks Part 35: Film and Fun

Im supposed to be sleeping, but I decided that since my mind was calm, it might be a good time to start a new blog post. Posting is tricky. Sometimes the flow of thoughts come easy. Other times my writing gets drier than a sponge in the hot summer Carolina sun. Speaking of dry, my job searching got a bit on the empty side this week. Likewise my creativity followed suit. I hate being unemployed. The structure helped me balance out things.

Took a few days off from posting as my brain felt congested with being cooped up. At the suggestion of a family member I went to the movie theater. I saw The Dark Knight Rises. I'll post more on that via Several Deadly Cines soon. A cool aspect of this trip, besides getting me outta the place was getting a free movie pass when the projector malfunctioned. I got to see the movie in another AND I can see a new film for free.  Talk about good timing. Just the thing to lift my spirits more.

Another piece of cool news was a response from a potential employer.  I'm still in the running for a new position. That interview's around the corner, y'all.  If not back to the drawing board.

Need to start wearing my new shoes, as with the old ones, the ball of my foot aches. It's like a cramp before it intensifies. I suppose it's like the pre-pain moment. Ow, ow, ow! Im hoping me being off my feet will help my feet relax and enjoy not having pressure on them.

When I woke up today I'm reminded that I'm out of allergy meds. I'm so good and mad about it, but replacing them is a top priority. Maybe I'll do more cleaning today.  Can't hurt to get rid of some clutter.

Unemployment Sucks Part 34: Job Hunting and Other Fine Goods

Job hunting is a damn chore.  It' feels like one should get paid to do it.  Spend the better part of last week going through several places in search of a good job. Last week was fruitless, but worth the effort of finding out it was fruitless.  After all, who gives up on living, or looking like they living? it simply means that I must keep things moving forward.

Still contemplating how to turn a lot of my negatives into positives so that I can put some focus on positive things.  Made some concessions in my bills. What to keep as an ongoing expense, and what I can reduce.  Certainly I need to eat, but found myself shopping with a conservative eye and wallet.   I hate it when steak's off the menu.  I'll have to get back to steak cause I want it. Have to be practical too.  A yummy steak is worth waiting on.  Can't you see that delicious ribeye marinated overnight, then cooked to perfection? That reminds me, I need to buy a new frying pan, when the time comes.  So a new pan and steak shall one day come to me.  I have faith it will.

Unemployment Sucks Part 33: Creativity and Chores

Some more job hunting is on the agenda today, and I forgot to make my morning tea. That irks me only slightly.  I've been at this laptop for a hot moment, and I kinda need a break.  Also I was playing on Facebook a little. Peeps and myself been posting images and I loved the meme about politics and how posting political opinion doesn't change people's minds. Sometimes it simply doesn't, and that all good. I, however will continue to post my cat "politics" cause LOLcats rule everything.

Been writing some stuff down, and working on stories and cinema posts, as well as some laundry, so I guess I'm being productive.  Being very indecisive about writing some more than I was, but perhaps I'm doing too much at one time.  Still, gotta get lost in the material or not do it at all.

Dusted off an old short story to properly format it, and found myself elaborating on the text.  I liked that I did more to push the ideas forward.  I got to a point where I was getting "fussy" so I made a pause in writing.  I hate when I take myself away from the story.  This story so needs a "FTS" (fuck this story) mood so I will write whatever.  All I can say is it was supposed to be a goofy story, and got heavy.  Why do I put myself through the torture of creativity, and  it always "zings" me when I don't want to? I don't think I could give up on writing even if I had to work at a crawl.    Well, fuck this story.  I'm a break it down like an old school love song.  The part where the vocalist really sells thew pain and vocal skills.

Unemployment Sucks Part 32: Get Your Life Back

Yo, fuck this post.  It was supposed to be deep and meaningful, but sometimes I just have to go for what I think is shallow (which comes off as deep and meaningful). In this instance I'm a just say my piece and give back the mic.  There are no magic words or tricks to this puzzle.  One has to live through experiences and hopefully process some meanings or reasons behind them.

I was gonna talk about backstabbing, but fuck that too. I've been stabbed in the back, face, neck, legs, all over.  Somehow that HASN'T stopped me from breathing. Take a note: Sometimes things hurt like hell, but many of us get all smart about these events and live. It's how I choose to resolve things that makes the difference.  Who gives a shit if other people have two or more faces and heads?  That's on them. What I do know is that I have to keep things moving forward and without wondering about what could be.  As always I'm ready to say to myself "get over yourself," cause between me and my ego there's no room left for my glorious ID.  If people can't stay real or be real to you, they were never real in the first place.  How the hell is anyone supposed to feel betrayed by that? The realness was never real.  

Sometimes I know I play the sucker's game and allow myself to be miserable, but that's on me.  I made a lot of mistakes, and rather than compound them, I'm here to write that mistakes happen.  I learn, I evolve.  I do not, however wish the mistakes to stay with me. So mistakes you teach me to be a better man. Mistakes you have a certain power that needs to be acknowledged. Mistakes you are who you are in life.  We both will be alright.

Now that I've gotten pseudo Freudian on myself, I think it's best to dust myself off and try again at living, life, and getting a damn job. Mainly cause unemployment will always suck, no matter how sweet it sounds. Living below a poverty level never felt so good.  It does, however put into perspective a lot of things.  The shit I was talking about in this post is NOTHING compared to being unjustly terminated and eating, sleeping, and breathing this BS for eleven months. Did I mention the negative references?  Should I?  I'm a save that for another day. I will say this.  I need to do more "fuck this post" (FTP) type of writing, or as I love to say, "you can suck it!"

Unemployment Sucks Part 31: Smile

Through my experiences I discovered in times of crisis you discover who really supported me. I've said it before, but sometimes all I needed is that the communication of encouragement to keep on moving. Other times I've pick myself up off the floor, dusted off and tried again. This time round it's not all about me.  It's about everyone who's trying to make through the day in peace and positive vibes.

We deserve to be happy, positive people with healthy options in front of us.  Sometimes that doesn't happen.  I hope and pray for y'all that good things come our way.  I pray that people find good jobs that make the difference in their lives. I pray that people treat each other with love and kindness.  Yes, sometimes I'm very optimistic, cheerful, and looking for a lot of miracles.  Should we not belive or have faith in good things in store?

For those who've seen my Facebook page, you know it's mainly about goofy images, and getting people to smile.  Why?  Because sometimes we need a laugh when negativity cloaks itself around us and clouds our thoughts, moods, and senses.  If you get a laugh or smile from this pic, then I'm feeling real good about now for you and me. Sometimes encouragement is all we have for each other.  Last night Mom suggested a couple of Psalms (121, 91) to read from the bible.  It didn't hurt to read, and in fact made my night a lot more positive.  I'm passing them onto you. Best of luck and prayers in your endeavors, and much success in your future.

Uneployment Sucks Part 30: Sunday

Its time for a distraction. Been enjoying the silence of this day so far. Sometimes being able to lay on the couch and relax gives me comfort that I didn't have before. Also allergy meds make me woozy and no good.

Today is a out accepting there are actions that simply cannot be controlled and being free of the worry. Sometimes stress gets too me. Today is about letting it come for me and leaving without harming me. It's like the tide beneath my feet. It hits, surrounds me, and then leaves. I'm no worse for time taking its natural course. I am worse off when I try to hold the tide back. I might as well count the grains of sand. Feel the change coming through. Feel myself being part of change. Feel me letting go of a lot of things. Releasing a lot of tension will hold the key to my success.

My time to rise and shine once again with strengthen me. The younger me could not endure this. The younger me could not fathom such pain and resilience. The younger me could not strike the precious balance between being a part of something greater than myself and bing apart from something greater than myself. A huge part of my life is struggling to learn, accept, move on. Change is difficult. Life is difficult. I am complex and evolving. I want to be more than where I am now. That takes effort and commitment. I will make sure I devote energy to my well-being.

Unemployment Sucks Part 29: Anticipation

"Anticipation" is the name of the song on my playlist, and it's as appropriate title as any for this post.  The song is an old school funk/slow jam by the Bar-Kays.  A little something rich and mellow from my youth.  it reminds me of a lot of good things that happen and I treasure for memories.  Every now and then I need a reminder of good things that make me feel good.  It's a mellow Sunday, and I need to relax and write a little.  By little I mean a couple of blog posts.

Had the thought to do more cinema studies essays, which my cinema blog's been lacking like a politician and the truth. I need to write more just the same. Admittedly my creativity has left me so often.  It's a result of not working.  I do feel the weight of stress on my body and soul. Gotta fight that.  I'm a bit at a low point, but I'm not defeated. There's no giving up, and if i have to meditate to purge my soul and body of this I will.  If anything I'm a determined man, and I'm determined not to succumb to despair.

To end on a pleasing note, I've been jotting down notes and ideas, so I'm not 100% creatively bankrupt. Sometimes I'm simply going through a dry spell.  I anticipate me getting my groove and soul back. It's only a matter of time. Time I greatly look forward to.

Me and Lasagna

So darn good to eat

I decided that it was time to cook something and get my mind on food, which I love and missed doing on a regular basis. A few days ago I gathered the ingredients to make some lasagna. This is about the steps I took to make and improve upon an existing recipe. The goal was to make this dish tasty by adding flavors and not skipping quality. With this cooking adventure I got a sweet, yet a a bit of heat in the background of the dish.

The first thing I did was prepare the sauce a day ahead.  Why?  I had nothing to do the day before, so I could put in the time to make the sauce.  Despite all the ingredients I assembled, it's a simple marinara sauce.  Don't think of it as complicated.  Think of it as an adventure to tasting something worthwhile.  Granted if I had some more time and money I may use fresher ingredients, like actual tomatoes instead of canned.

One thing was a standout for me is I didn't use wine in the sauce.  I ran out, and went with the flow.  The next time I try this I will for sure ass wine to the sauce. A simple red wine will do for me. Was tempted to get out the rum, but I want that for my drinks.

Sauce:

• Tomatoes (canned and diced)
• Tomato sauce
• Tomato paste (small can - for thickness)
• Onions
• Mushrooms
• Salt
• Pepper
• Italian seasonings
• Garlic
• Basil
• Bay leaf
• Crushed rosemary
• sugar (cuts out acid taste)
• Wine (optional)

Sweet with a little heat.

Add tomatoes to pot along with tomato sauce, paste. Add seasonings. Dice onions and add mushroom last. Bring to boil then allow to simmer.If making sauce is not your option, please feel free to use your favorite marinara sauce for jars. I for sure wanted to try something on my own this time around for my sauce.

Meats:

• Italian sausage (spicy). Cook and allow to cool.
• Ground chuck. Brown, season, drain, and allow to cool.

You can either add the meats to the sauces or keep separate. Since I'm doing layers I wanted to see how it worked as a separate.  I typically create a meat sauce.  Also I used less meat than I normally would. Part of me wants the taste of meat without a lot of the heaviness. Like all the parts of this dish, the meat is optional.

For the sausage, I quartered each link and diced them. I mixed the sausage and chuck together.

Cheeses (all shredded except Ricotta)

• Ricotta
• Mozzerella
• Cheddar
• Parmesan

Spreads smooth and evenly.

I'm told it may have been cheaper to buy cheese wedges and grate them myself than to buy the shredded packages. I should do more comparative shopping in regards to this, but I didn't.  Feel fee to "one up" me on this juncture. Mix Ricotta in bowl with two eggs. Add shredded cheeses. Add seasonings. Don't add too much shredded cheese or the ricotta will thicken and won't spread.

Additional ingredients: Spinach. It has a completely different taste than I'm used to on my lasagna, but it's worth it adding to this recipe.

Pasta:
Use whatever lasagna pasta you like. For this recipe I used a no boil pasta, which allowed me a bit more free time in the cooking process.

Preheat your oven to 375.

Just one layer.

Assembling the layers is easy.  Instructions called for using a non-stick spray on the bottom of the tray.  I used olive oil.  The next layer is simply a thin layer of sauce.  This is another reason I wanted the meat separate.  Let the sauce hang out at the bottom.  Meat's in the middle.  If your ricotta's spreadable, you'll have less trouble with assembly. I know for me when I made it too think in the past, I thought it would met down.  I was wrong. Big lumps of ricotta is not fun when you want as even a bites as possible.

Once assembled, cover lasagna with foil and bake.

One thing I knew would happen is I didn't have a deep enough lasagna tray. What I did was take my pizza dish and placed it on the rack beneath the lasagna. In hindsight I could've bought a disposable tray that was deeper. This would leave me with an easier time of cooking.

Good and browned, and waiting
for me to cut into.  

The lasagna bakes for 50-60 minutes. Afterwards I removed the foil and added shredded mozzarella and cheddar to the top. You can brown this for 5 mins but I let it stay in there for about 15 mins.
Cutting into this was a treat.  it was good, warm, and tasty as all get out.  I'm sure many have variations of the same dish, but this was fun to put together and discuss.

Unemployment Sucks Part 28: Happy, Oh So Happy

It's past time to get the bills paid for this month, or as people say when the money's tight, "Time to rob Peter to pay Paul."  This is more like clubbing Peter, taking his money, giving it to Paul, then clubbing Paul to get the money to pay Peter.  Quite frankly I'm more than tired of this run around.  This would be different if I was working.  I've been late with bills before, but the next few paychecks and frugal spending meant me getting myself in shape.  A few years ago I promised myself to keep up with my expenses. Due to my unjust termination, it looks like the financial hardships keep on swinging.

With me I never know what to expect, and I certainly don't give up. It looks like I'm gonna be taking things one day at a time, and trying to get out from under this black cloud that is unemployment. My head hurts and my creative level went down a few notches, but a Brother never gives up.  If all I can do is three paragraphs of work today, that's what I'm ado. Things will get done because the only direction to move is forward.

Quite frankly it's time to work more on my reinvention project, so let's see what I produce in the next few days.  Like I said if all I have is three paragraphs, it's more than I had the day before. At this point I'm all about putting more effort into my personal growth as I struggle against adversity.

Unemployment Sucks Part 27: Damn It

As always I'm looking for new jobs.  Today is no different.  Put in applications for library assistant positions, admin assistants, and anything else I could find.  The pay for several of these jobs is quite underwhelming.  One makes more on unemployment than with the job itself.  it as if they jobs are designed to keep people destitute financially.  Needless to say I'm still looking and submitting for jobs.  I call this "ultra stress," cause the future doesn't look so bright.  Then you have people bickering in congress fucking about because they couldn't give a damn about the economy.  So what if I can't get a decent job or get off unemployment.  Who gives a shit if they are in power if they do nothing with it but hold people in contempt as they play out their games?

I don't need a promise from a politician.  What I need is some action.  So damn it, I'm frustrated.  It doesn't mean giving up.  It doesn't mean it's hopeless.  Time and prayer shall open the right doors for me.  Of that, I'm not afraid.  In the meantime that bleakness creeps in like a sour visitation that does nothing for me, but attempt to bring misery. I'm a cast it out like I do all negativity. Eventually what I'm looking for will arrive, and that's gonna be my best game changer.  I will say this.  unjust terminations do make for fucked up situations.  Forcing someone to scrape by is pretty low, however good shall come from this mess.  That you really can believe shall pass.

Unemployment Sucks Part 26: You Want To Purchase What?

There's a new software on discount for writers that I got my eye on.  Before I make the purchase I had to ask myself what bills did I pay and what do I have to spare for said software.  I told myself to hold off on purchasing even if I miss the discount in order to make sure I got my necessities out of the way.  If I was working this wouldn't even be an issue.  I'd just purchase the software and it'd be done.  It doesn't work like that anymore.  After putting in nearly $300 for car repairs (added it up last night), I knew there was a real vacuum in my funds.  Better to use what writing software I own at the moment, forget the discount, and wait until all my woes are calmed.   Not mad about that.

Speaking of not mad, yesterday and today are about simple joys.  One of those joys is making dinner.  I'm making lasagna.  Made the sauce last night.  Will write that up in a separate post.  Today I'm putting the ingredients together for an awesome baking in the oven.  Being able to drive to the store is a good thing.  Don't think I could walk that amount of stuff home.

Did type out some new ideas for a concept so at least I'm still writing.  Will keep on writing, cause it needs to be done.  Thinking of a sci-fi hero novel that involves super heroes. We'll put this one in development my concepts folder.  

Unemployment Sucks Part 25: The Ride

My car means a lot to me, so having it function again is getting back a piece of mind that I missed and needed in my life. Beforehand I never embraced losing my vehicle, and the impact it has on my life.  When I was faced with being unable to move as freely as I did, even simple errands became something of a tiring effort.  For example, I couldn't go to the grocery store like I normally would.  The heat was nastier than I remembered, and a walk to the local CVS was most tiring. I was, for sure afraid of heat exhaustion, which I've felty before.

I was fortunate to have a friend take me to the grocery store and I got some supplies and run a few errands.  That's why I say support is valuable, because if you don't have it, what will you do besides go without, and possibly loose your mind?

My ride's working again, thanks to support, but not having the money to immediately repair it, then facing a towing crisis that made me fret like a madman took it's toll. I am sincerely grateful for all the well wishes and the actual help.  You never know who your friends are until you're faced with crisis and stress. People let you know, "we're here for you" in spirit or in person.  Sometimes that "good luck" push works wonders for the spirit.

I say to all who read good luck in your endeavors, and I pray that things will turn positive for you.  I don't want you to give up on yourself, and I promise not to give up on myself. Things will turn around.  As to when and how, I have no clue, but that's why I pray, for you and me.  I'd love to say I've got a new job, and move onto being a productive citizen that doesn't feel trapped or hemorrhaging on unemployment. Talk about a parody of my former financial stability.  A Brother endures.

Unemployment Sucks Part 24: A Family Affair

My family visited me yesterday, which I appreciated. This week's been a mess of stress, and I needed to get some TLC from the people who matter to me. Car got fixed and did it cost me the money I intended to pay my bills with.  Unfortunately one can't apply for jobs and take interviews without a ride. The end  of this month is gonna squeeze with a strength of a vice grip. Gotta deal with it as it comes.  It's the stuff of hardships.  At least the car's operational at this time.  Thank God.   

It's nice to see people who have time for you and enjoy being around me. I've said it before, there are others who are less fortunate than others when it comes to support.  I'm reminding you to be strong, and don't forget to love yourself.  I was stressed, and tired, but I made it through, and so will you.  One less my family taught me is you can let go and be rid of a gang of pain. If you can, reach out to your peeps. if they don't respond, find someone who's interested and at least willing to tell you their opinion or wish you good luck.  If they not talking back, they not gonna help you in the long run.  

Unemployment Sucks 23: Shake It Off

Rejection is so disheartening, and I got another email confirming I didn't get yet another job I applied for.  Sometimes I look at the messages, laugh, and move on.  It does suck being unemployed, but no time to mope and feel sorry for myself. Bad news does leech onto my good spirits, and rejection is that kick nobody likes to feel unless you're a masochist. Sometimes this coats my world and I feel less shiny and new than I love to feel.

Besides that I've been keeping busy with more applications, half-assing a few things, and feeling my creativity die on the vine, which I hate. This week's been trying as all get out with parking woes, fees I didn't expect, and me trying to get my brain together.  Sometimes I'm happy to lay on the couch and de-stress.  

Been feeling cooped up as of late. Got too caught up in other things to write well. Stress ain't pretty.

Unemployment Sucks Part 22: When Life Kicks You In the Nads

Well the past few days loved reminding me that it has the power to kick me in the nads. It seems like I went from my car crisis to apartment complex crisis, and back to car in the past few days. My nerves are a mess. I'm grateful I got the opportunity to slow down and relax. Was too upset. Didn't eat properly. Now that I mellowed, meals got possible.

To top off my lovely week, yet another Potential job sent me a "thanks but no thanks letter." I have to smile and bear this cause we both know the world doesn't stop with me feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't really stop at all. I was so messed up in the head this week, and the rejection should have been the icing on the cake. Instead it was "meh."

So I'm a little numb to the nads kicking life dealt this week. Talk about hardships. How does one weather this storm? Y'all know I'm staying positive with faith, family and friends. I needed that. Got real blessed with some fees and payments that could've gone ugly real fast.

Needless to say there were no games and a limited
amount of social network time. I read felt that outta control, panic attack sensation I loathe. So nasty. Someday it shall turn around.

So yesterday unemployment really sucked, but I dusted myself off and ready for a new day. I pray there's no more life nads kicking. That shit really hurts.

Unemployment Sucks Part 21: Re-invent Me

This is one of those times where suggestions, a helping hand and good thoughts came my way. For one thing my car is mess right now, and the part I ordered is a mess of not getting here.  I'd love to think that  stress is manageable, but it gets under my skin from time to time. I suppose it wouldn't be stress if it wasn't.  I digress.

I went to the store yesterday with a friend who was kind enough to take me, so I got what I needed, and I was more than grateful to get those errands done. In addition to the coolness of getting things done, one of my siblings suggested I should fully reinvent myself as a full-time writer. It's not like I wasn't creative before, but I got more free time on my hands and I do write all the darn time, right?

Now I need to give myself more assignments and get stuff done on a daily basis.  I suppose the blogs don't count cause I do them all the time. Still a bit exciting and scary.  I need to write down the schedule for projects and keep off the internet while working unless it's necessary.  What a fascinating challenge.  A little scary too.  

So here's to a chance to try a different angle to my productivity. Writer and job hunter by day. The possibilities appear endless.  Let me start with a list, and then get them executed during the week.  It's more like homework that i don't mind doing.  I'll figure this out.

Unemployment Sucks Part 20: Laughing

Part of the reasons I'm loving writing this series is it's keeping me writing on a frequent basis.  That's always good for me.  As I wrote on my Cinema blog, getting to feel humor is a great thing too.  Sometimes the mind needs to unwind, and as someone who loves a good laugh, I need to stop and smell the hot tea in the morning.  I so want coffee but my congestion says "hell no" at this moment.  Trust me, congestion trumps coffee. - I digress.

Today is about not being wrapped too tight in the sense that sometimes being silly can improve my overall mood.  Why am I stressing? I got this wonderful gift to use for myself and for others.  it's time to shine with a God-given talents for life and to be free of the dumbness that is trials and tribulations that I face.  Not making the problems go away (being financially destitute), but I don't have to be upset over events I can't control.  All I really can do is be me and stop worrying, give my efforts all that I can supply, and move on.

In the meantime I got some humor and some love of humor to share, and rather than let that be doused, why not let it shine.  I want to laugh, smile, and enjoy my time.  I wouldn't mind others to laugh and smile as well. So yeah, unemployment still sucks, but I can deal.  Y'all knew I could all the time.  

Kitteh

I like this pic.